Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Wife of Tiger Woods Rescues Young Woman

Los Angeles --- Elin Nordegren, the wife of champion golfer Tiger Woods, was reported by her publicist to have helped rescue a young woman from near asphyxiation late Tuesday night. Police in Los Angeles reported that they had been called to the home of Jaimee Grubbs , a cocktail waitress whose long-running affair with Mr. Woods was reported in US Weekly. Police records noted that officers encountered a bruised and dazed Ms. Grubbs, suffering injuries to her face and scalp, and an agitated Ms. Nordegren. According to a statement posted on the TigerWoods.com website, the incident occurred when Ms. Nordegren, stopping at the home of Ms. Grubbs to pay a social call, thought she smelled a gas leak. "Thinking quickly, " the statement notes, "she retrieved a baseball bat from her car, broke down the front door, smashed a plate glass window to provide ventilation and then pulled the barely conscious Ms. Grubbs by her hair to safety.” The statement continued, “Ms. Nordegren had to arouse the young woman by scratching her deeply on the face and neck before summoning the police by setting fire to Ms. Grubbs BMW.” This marks the second time in a week that Ms. Nordegren exhibited quick thinking to come to the aid of others. Over the weekend she used a golf club to break both rear windows of her husband’s SUV in what her spokesman described as a daring attempt to pull her husband from the front seat of his car after he dented it in an early morning accident outside his Florida estate. Ms. Grubbs appeared awed by the selfless heroics of her rescuer. She was overheard telling the police “Keep her away from me. That bitch is CRAZY.” Spokesman for CalGas reported they are continuing to search for a possible source for a gas leak.

In a related story, Tiger Woods announced that he was withdrawing from the California golf tournament scheduled to benefit the Tiger Woods Foundation. “I truly regret not being able to participate, but I am headed to Kandahar to personally join in the surge of troops being ordered to Afghanistan by President Obama.” According to friends, Mr. Woods felt he needed some peace and quiet after the events of the past week.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Paln and Oprah Interview

Although the interview won't air until next Tuesday, details of Sarah Palin's interview have leaked to the press. Here is Part 1:

Oprah: Welcome, Governor Palin. I am so excited to have you on on my show.
Palin: Well, gosh, it is great to be with you. Just two strong, working women having a heart-to-heart talk.
Oprah: Yes, one of whom has been doing her job for 15 years without quitting.
Palin: And the other of whom has been a size 6 since college.
Oprah: But I hear you have been working, on a book, Going Rogue. Tell me about it.
Palin: Well, it's the story of a young woman from the American heartland who was following a traditional path -- marrying her high school sweetheart, having kids -- when one day she just got fed up with the Old Boy system in politics and the corruption and all, and she decided, gosh, maybe what politics needs is a little more of the common sense that small-town America seems to teach. Of course, the elites try to take her down a notch because she won't play by the Old Boy rules.
Oprah: So it's fiction?
Palin: No, the only fiction is all those lies the left-wing media make up about Todd and me.
Oprah: I might make it an Oprah Book Club. Make it a best seller.
Palin: Thanks Oprah, but it's been number 1 on Amazon since August.
Oprah: Well, you might reach a new audience. People who have actually read a book before.
Palin: And your readers might learns something about real Americans.
Oprah: Girl, you do NOT want to go there. But I am always looking for something inspirational. Does your book feature child soldiers who commit atrocities in Africa? That was last week's pick. Or maybe an obese girl from who has been raped by her father and is abused by her mother? I produced that movie, "Precious".
Palin: Goodness no. All I did with my dad was learn to hunt and fish.
Oprah: Hunting animals? Oh, that sounds so depressing! So what books are you reading?
Palin: Oh, you know.... All of them.
Oprah: Name one
Palin: There you go with your "gotcha journalism." (laughs). Actually, Bristol and I really liked the Twilight series.
Oprah: Well, Levi does remind me more and more of a Vampire every day.
Palin: Yes, but I really liked that in Twilight he couldn't touch her (laughs).
Oprah: How about the classics? We did Anna Karenina by the Russian writer Leo Tolstoy earlier in the year. Have you read War and Peace?
Palin: Well, I am interested in national security issues, and of course I know a lot about Russia. After all, I ...
Oprah: I know, I know... You can see it from your house.
Palin: Actually, that was Tina Fey. I was going to say I watched Red Dawn 5 times with Todd.

Tomorrow, Oprah and Sarah discuss "living your best life."

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Protesters Decry Washington Leadership

Washington, DC: The angry mood of the public was on display today as hundreds of sign-wielding protesters marched to decry the failure of leadership in Washington. According to Bob Smeldenburg, an accountant from Centreville, "I think we are really in crisis. They keep telling us things will get better, but they keep getting steadily worse." Mary Nelson, a housewife from suburban Maryland chimed in, "To think how much I hoped for change last fall. I feel like a fool. The whole group, from the top guy and his inner team -- they are in way over their head." A kindly looking grandfather from DC weighed in" "We aren't your typical protesters. But they are destroying something I have been proud of my whole life. You can only take so much. And now they want to imply we are a tiny noisy minority. Well, if they think this week was a wakeup call, wait until you see what happens next week. When they lose to the Falcons and Broncos it could get really ugly." At that they turned and resumed their chant. "We want our Redskins Back! Snyder Must Go!"

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Nobel Awards Surprise Public

Stockholm -- In a stunning announcement, the Nobel Prize Committee today awarded the 2009 Nobel Prizes for Literature, Chemistry and Medicine to Barack Obama. This followed the surprising award Friday of the Nobel Peace Prize to the young American President, which provoked criticism that his accomplishments to date didn't justify the honor. In awarding the Literature Prize, the committee noted "his impressive body of work exploring the timeless and worldwide themes of what it is like to be Barack Obama.” The award for Medicine recognized “his tireless commitment over more than 6 months (including a very busy vacation and trips to Denmark) to extend the right of health care to more Americans without alienating the insurance industries, pharmaceutical companies, or hospital associations, and while trying hard to win the broad bipartisan support of Olympia Snowe." The award for chemistry was perhaps the most surprising, as there is no record that Obama ever studied chemistry in high school or in college. The award however, praised him for “advancing chemistry by not being George W. Bush”. In other developments, the North Koreans expressed their displeasure at the failure of leader Kim Jung Il to get the prize, for the tenth year running, by launching long range missile tests into the Straits of Taiwan and posting offers of enriched uranium on Ebay.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Partisan Outburst Interrups Speech

Washington, D.C. -- January 28, 2011

The polarized politics of Washington erupted again yesterday during President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address, just two years after he promised to change the culture of partisanship in the town. The speech was interrupted suddenly when , during a passage where he implored Republicans to join him on immigration reform, the 6- member Republican delegation from Alabama rose, turned and dropped their trousers. Congressional historians report it was the first incident of intentional "mooning" in the halls of Congress as most other cases of Congressman without their pants have occurred behind closed doors.

Democratic response was swift, if not entirely to the liking of the President. While New York Sen. Chuck Schumer climbed over seats to put a headlock on Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel grabbed the microphone and, gesturing to Republicans, shouted, “Do you want to go? Do you WANT TO GO?!! Bring it on, you pussies. I will fuck you up!" The speech was further interrupted 10 minutes later by the sound of explosions, which turned out to be mortar fire landing in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. Those responsible, members of the "Tea Party" movement led by former Congressman Dick Armey, proclaimed they were simply expressing their Second Amendment rights to launch heavy ordnance in public spaces, but fellow Republican Sen. John McCain called the incident "highly inappropriate" in an interview later on Larry King. In the morning aftermath, both sides were claiming political advantage from the fracas. Alabama Republicans reported they had raised $38.7 million dollars in the 24 hours following the incident from the coalition of conservative groups known as "Kill the Commie Faggots". Several of their Democratic opponents claimed that they had raised an even greater amount through an on-line effort coordinated by the left-leaning group "Don't Forget How Much Bush Sucked" .

Proponents of bipartisanship expressed dismay over a trend of increasing rancor which they trace back to an event in September 2009 when South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe Wilson interrupted Obama's health care address by shouting "You lie!" Despite Wilson's quick apology for the outburst, six months later Georgia Congressman Sonny "Buddy" Johnson, Jr. interrupted the 2010 State of the Union, shouting “Bite Me!” in response to Obama's offer to join Republicans to combat teen pregnancy. Delaware Rep. Mike Castle, the sole remaining Republican moderate, decried the change. "I don't think this kind of behavior is good for the country. Why, when I first arrived in Congress, I wouldn't have dreamed of having to
have an armed security detail going between my office and the House floor. But between the "Club for Growth" and "MoveOn.org" I have already lost two Chiefs of Staff to small arms fire."

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Obama Speech to High School Criticized for "Socialist Agenda""

Right-wing critics continue to attack President Obama's address to Wakefield High School in Arlington, VA tomorrow, pointing to numerous places in the released text where he is pushing "an extremist socialist agenda. (Spoiler alert -- this includes ACTUAL excerpts from the text released by the White House)

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. Why did Obama choose the only place in Virginia where you still can't legally carry a loaded firearm? Obama wants to take away your guns! -- Wayne LaPierre, NRA And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us. Now just stare into the camera so he can hypnotize you into joining his personality cult -- Michele Malkin

Some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning. I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia He was BORN there! Show us the birth certificate! -- Lou Dobbs for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school So she sent him to a madrassa where he learned to be a Muslim terrorist !-- Sean Hannity.

So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning. Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early.
Obama hated getting up. Who made him get up? His WHITE mother! No wonder Obama hates all white people. -- Glenn Beck.

We can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. But you won't be able to listen to your Grandparents because Obama wants to pull the plug on them -- Rep. John Boehner

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is.
Isn't it creepy that this is almost the exact language that Lenin and Hitler used when indoctrinating the masses ? -- Rush Limbaugh

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write for a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Then you can join the left-wing media and make up lies about Republicans -- John McCain

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? Draft dodger! Draft dodger! Oh wait, that was Clinton. Never mind. -- Oliver North

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. Global warming is a myth foisted on us by environmental terrorists! -- Sen. James Inhofe

You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free.
Why does he talk about critical thinking and not faith? More fair? Why does Obama hate America? -- Mitt Romney

I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. Michelle has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country. Elitists! I got a great education from each of the five colleges I attended and none were Ivy League -- Sarah Palin

But the truth is, being successful is hard. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try. That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. Why does he always have to bash Bush ?-- Bill O'Reilly

So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it.
And together we can build a socialist paradise here in the US -- Heil Obama! -- Michael Savage

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Republicans Release Healthcare Bill of Rights

Hello. I am Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican Party. This summer I stopped spouting off crazy stuff long enough to conduct a series of conversations about healthcare with my fellow citizens. This led us to lay out a Republican set of principles, to contrast with the socialistic plan my homie President Obama has been proposing (Or "layin' down" , as we say in the hood).

1. The government shall not interfere in medical decisions, which should solely be determined in private discussions between a patient and his or her insurance company. Their highly trained staff (who have studied for months if not occasionally years) will know whether you really need that gallbladder surgery your doctor recommended or whether a dose of antacids will do just as well.

2. No decision is more sensitive than choosing what care we would want should we become incapacitated and no longer able to decide for ourselves. Such discussions should be conducted in privacy between family members and cable news shows. Painful decisions about when to withdraw care should be left to those closest to the affected patient, such as former Congressman Tom Delay and Republican members of Congress.

3. Individuals need to take more responsibility for their own health. People who are too poor to afford insurance should not get sick. And if you do have insurance, but have a costly condition such as cancer, for God's sake don't risk your job by skipping out all the time for yet another "chemotherapy" session. Hey, we'd all like an excuse to go sit in a nce big lounge chair for a few hours but work comes first.

4. America has the best and most innovative insurance companies in the world. They make huge investments discovering new ways to deny claims, discoveries which make them the envy of insurance companies the world over. Do we really want to risk our world leadership in this area with frivolous regulations on these companies, such as requiring them to use the premiums they collect to pay for actual health care for sick people?

5. Controlling costs will require that we all become more knowledgeable consumers of health care. Republican reform proposals will make it easier for you to comparison shop to choose that hospital which provides the best combination of price and quality (we have even developed an app for your I-phone you can consult during your ambulance ride). But don't forget to include the costs for OR suite, perfusionist and anesthesiologist when pricing out your bypass surgery.

6. Requiring insurance companies to compete against a publicly funded option is unfair. Such a plan would provide such inferior care that it would kill people right and left and it would be so popular that it would put private insurers out of business. Imagine if our best universities had to compete against government-funded colleges.

7. People who cite the fact that the U.S. ranks last amongst Western countries in infant mortality and life-expectancy are using statistics selectively. The American health care leads the world in numerous other areas: health care spending, drug prices, health care profits, number of uninsured and most important, political contributions from health care organizations. Do we really want to risk all that just so everyone has access to health care? Isn't the waiting room already full enough at the doctor's office?

I recall one conversation I had with a constituent. She told me her family had lost their health insurance when her husband got laid off, and she spends all her time praying her diabetic son doesn't get sick. Well, I think it is something to celebrate that this health care debate has brought us back to prayer, spending time with family and appreciating what is really important. God Bless!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Karl Rove Decries Iran Elections

Karl Rove weighed in yesterday to criticize the announced re-election for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as a "sham". "Here we have a world leader who portrays himself as just a 'regular guy' while pandering to the worst nationalistic and militaristic elements in his country," noted the former political strategist for George W. Bush. "His party criticizes the opposition as unpatriotic while appealing to the most extreme religious conservative elements, and urging rural voters to be suspicious of the educated, urban electorate. When questions are raised about the fairness of the election, rather than supporting a full and complete recount of all the votes, he proposes that a council of judges, many handpicked by the very same party, can decide the election. Why, this is the biggest mockery of democracy since ... whoops, never mind. "

In a further sign that there may have been major irregularities in the Iranian election, BBC reported that in Tehran, a hotbed of support for the opposition leader Mir Hussein Moussavi, a confusing ballot apparently led 15% of voters to cast their ballot for Ralph Nader.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

World Warms to Susan Boyle Story

The story of Susan Boyle, a shy, frumpy resident of a small Scottish village who became an international sensation after her performance on a British televisions talent show spread across the Internet, continues to captivate the public in the UK and the US. The recent news that she had checked into a clinic citing "exhaustion" has further heartened American viewers. "It's so easy today to assume you have to be a beautiful celebrity to have your life ruined by media attention," said fan Cheryl Teesdale. "I used to dream of being Britney Spears, shaving my head, and having paparazzi stalk me in the grocery store but deep down I knew those dreams were out of my reach," said the overweight housewife from Trenton. "But Susan Boyle proved you don't have to be gorgeous for the media to invade your life so completely that you flip out. I think it is an inspiration for all us average people." Others in the media agreed. "I think the lesson of Susan Boyle," said one television executive, "is that anyone, no matter how old they are or where they live, as long as they really believe in their dream, can live to see that dream come true and then turned completely upside down and torn apart in front of millions of viewers. It is so damn heartwarming I almost tear up."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Republicans Tap Reagan Statue To Lead Party

In an unexpected shakeup, Republicans announced today that the bronze statue of Ronald Reagan, unveiled today in the Capitol, will replace gaffe-prone Michael Steele as head of the Republican Party. Since the election of President Obama, Republicans have searched unsuccessfully for a leader who can galvanize the party around a new message. Unfortunately, the message of Party Chairman Steele was often overshadowed by repeated gaffes brought on by his off-the-cuff style. He alternately criticized Rush Limbaugh, endorsed choice on abortion, then had to apologize for both, before denying global warming and likening Obama to Nixon. Republican insiders have grown uncomfortable as they watched Limbaugh and unpopular ex-Vice President Dick Cheney become de facto leaders of the party in the absence of a clearer message. "We are excited that Reagan has returned to lead the party," said one party insider, who spoke anonymously for fear of offending other Republican statues nearby in the Rotunda, including that of Teddy Roosevelt. "This statue embodies all the steadfast qualities we need in a leader -- and talk about gravitas -- he weighs 5 tons! " he noted. Another Republican noted, "The statue will continue what Reagan was so good at -- going over the heads of the media (literally) directly to the people." Other insiders speculated the statue may also be in line to replace Rep. John Boehner as minority leader of house Republicans. "For one thing," noted a fellow Congressman. "Reagan's statue has a more lifelike skin color than Rep. Boehner."

Friday, May 8, 2009

Ramirez Crafts New Style of Apology

Baseball star Manny Ramirez recent apology for using a banned substance introduced a new variant to the "famous person apology" library - a statement that mixes appearances of accepting responsibility while shifting blame. According to Manny:
Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.
We thought other public miscreants would have been well-served to adopt his technique:

John Edwards: Recently, I engaged a young woman to create videos for my campaign. She also provided additional services which she thought were ok to give me, since I was "totally hot". Unfortunately, this violated the policy of my wife Elizabeth against having other women bear my children. According to Oprah, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing -- for Chrissakes, I'm a TORT LAWYER. Do you think the only people I screw over are doctors and corporations?

Bernie Madoff: Over the past 10 years, I collected large sums of money from investors for a business proposition. I followed a plan that I believed would have been ok, provided the laws of mathematics and those of the SEC were repealed at the same time. Unfortunately, it turns out that people who invest money with an investment firm expect that money to be put into actual investments and not the Manhattan co-ops of the investment adviser. According to the judge, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing, however -- Lochaim!

Bill Clinton: Some time ago I consulted a zaftig young intern for a personal issue. We engaged in activity (not intercourse) that she thought would be ok, given that I was President and married to a certified "scrotum-shrinker". Unfortunately, it turns out that such activity was banned under our wedding vows. According to Hillary, that mistake is now my responsibility. Although millions of my wife's supporters wish I would just shut up, I do want to say one other thing: over the thirty years of my marriage, I have been faithful for many long stretches (months if not occasionally years).

George W. Bush
: Recently, I consulted my Vice-President on issues of national security. On his advice, I followed a series of policies that he thought would would be good for me, my party and the US. Unfortunately, these plans turned out to be disastrous for all three. According to the rules of history, those mistakes are now my responsibility. While I have been advised to stay quiet until my book deal is signed, I do want to note one thing: I think a serious review of our records will reveal that I was a way better President than Millard Filmore and almost as good as that guy who caught pneumonia at his Inauguration and died after less than 3 months in office.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Twitter Launches Service for Seniors

The founders of the popular service Twitter have launched a new application aimed solely at seniors. Named Geezer, the service will allow older men and women to trade 140-character messages to stay in close touch with their family and people in their age group. "This is a great way for people to link to with others who share their world view, including those who know that Benny Goodman wasn't that banker indicted for mortgage securities fraud," said Geezer CEO Todd Franz. To show the many ways seniors are using this service, he let me look at a sample feed of exchanged messages (note: the user names have been altered to protect privacy):

Brklyn43 just felt that twinge again. The one in my arm when I raise it like this. I should take maybe some Advil but then I need to eat something and my stomach is not so good

JohnMPeters is looking for my glasses. I know I had them when I got up but they aren't in the bathroom or by my reading table. Maybe the kitchen. I was reading the paper

JoanOsborn saw a great movie last night with that young actress who is the daughter of that actress -- you know the one who was in that movie 5 years ago with that Woody Allen woman

MaryGreen'31 is STILL waiting for my kids to call. You would think that the odds that at least one out of 5 children would remember to call their mother on


MaryGreen'31 thinks they should not count spaces among the 140 characters. And is STILL WAITING for one of my kids to call.

ArtyinPhilly would like to order a pastrami sandwich. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

JoanOsborn remembers it was Goldie Hawn with the Woody Allen lady - not Mia Farrow, the earlier one -- anyway her daughter Kate Something was very funny in the movie last night

PalmSprings222 wants those damn kids to get off his lawn like I told them to yesterday.

JohnMPeters found his glasses and remembered I needed them to find my car keys. I always put them by the door but they are not there. Maybe on my dresser.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

White House Releases New Classification Scheme for Recessions

Before departing office, President George W. Bush characterized the slumping economy as "Wall Street got drunk ... and now it's got a hangover." Recognizing that a "hangover" may not sufficiently capture our dire economic situation, the White House Council of Economic Advisors has released official colloquial descriptions to classify different levels of economic downturns.

Market Correction (10% fall in NYSE) -- "drank tee-many martoonis" . Time to recovery: 1 month

Bear Market (prolonged 20 % drop in NYSE) -- "got plastered at Polynesian Restaurant and slept through your final exam in Economics" . Time to recovery: 6 months.

Recession: (Negative economic growth for 2 successive quarters) --- "Downed fifth of Southern Comfort during alumni football weekend. Made a pass at your fiancee's younger sister before puking in living room of your future in-laws." Time to recovery -- 1-2 years

Current situation (rising unemployment, collapse of housing and stock markets, wholesale financial instability) : "Joined beach party in Baja where someone gave you unknown white powder to snort. Woke up in your underwear in Mexican prison with strange burns on your arms and a heavily muscled and tattooed cellmate." Time to recovery: Unknown, but will likely involve years of privation, a newfound devotion to God, and paying large sums of cash to lawyers and other criminals.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Facebook Releases Easy Tool for "De-Friending"

Dear _________:
It was such a pleasure to reconnect with you on Facebook after losing touch since (a. that crazy night in Cabo; b. our days together at Northwestern; c. sitting next to you in Miss Smedenburg's preschool). I was really amazed to see that you had (a. become a successful lawyer in Washington; b. gotten those front teeth straightened and found Jesus; c. had 5 kids; d. lost all of your curly brown hair). I have enjoyed your frequent postings, especially the (a. Biblical message of the day; b. links to the "Laughing babies" on You Tube; c. screeds about how Obama is selling out the left; d. details of your life insurance business). I have also enjoyed the photos of (a. your children's report cards ; b. you with your local Congressional delegation; c. your vacation to Tuscany; d. the Walk to Raise Awareness for Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Unfortunately, my Friend list is now over 300 and it has become clear that (a. your days of being the "hottest chick" in our dorm are a distant memory; b. you have no useful connections in the Obama Whitehouse; c. you really need to get out more; d. I still have no idea how I know you). I sincerely hope you don't take my need to remove you from my Friend list personally. If you ever visit ________, I would really love the chance to get together, especially if (a. they ever get your medication dose adjusted; b. you lose 100 pounds; c. your probation conditions are loosened).

Your everlasting friend,

Name Here

Thursday, February 26, 2009

My Troubled Assets

Timothy Geithner
Department of the Treasury
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Geithner:

I have learned of the Obama Administration plans to create "bad banks" to absorb toxic assets that are causing uncertainty in the financial sector. I herewith am enclosing a list of my troubled assets, including description, date acquired, and acquisition price (including any ongoing liabilities).

  • Dow 36,000: How to Benefit from the Coming Boom in Stocks. 2/2000, $14.95
  • 500 shares Pets.com 2/2000, $10,000
  • Flipping Houses for Dummies. 2/2004, $24.95
  • 3 units in Hide-a Wee Vacation Rental Condominiums, Coral Gables, Florida. 3/2004, $390,000
  • The Bank Director’s Handbook: The Board Member’s Guide to Banking and Bank Management, 9/2004 $39.95
  • 4 BR, 4 Bath Scarsdale estate on 1.5 acres. 11/2004, $3.5 million
  • 1 membership in Westchester Golf Club. $12,000, 3/2005
  • 1 bag Callaway Golf Clubs (great condition, 5 iron slightly dented, with blue paint traces). 7/2005, $6000
  • Ashley DuPont (assistant golf pro, age 34, great condition). 8/2005, $18,000 (estimated value of gifts, dinners and secret vacations
  • Structured Products and Related Credit Derivatives: An Investors Guide, 8/2006, $89.95
  • 2007 Chevy Corvette Convertible, blue (damaged front hood) 10/2006, $55,000
  • The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, 12/2006, $16.95
  • Mrs. Gordon Blauvelt (Age 55, fair condition). Acquired 6/1983, divested 4/2007. Ongoing liabilities: $10,000 per month.
  • Gordon Blauvelt III, skateboard artist, age 23. Acquired 6/1985, $836,000 (estimated, including 2 years drug rehabilitation and 0.5 years college).
  • What Color is Your Parachute: A Practical Manual for Job Hunters and Career Changers, 11/2008 $19.95
  • Basement studio apartment, unfurnished, Scarsdale, NY. 2/2009, $600/month.
  • The Gift of Simplicity: Discover the Rewards of Simplifying Your Life. 2/2009, $16.95

I look forward to hearing the next steps in your acquisition of these assets, which will greatly increase my ability to participate in future lending.


Gordon Blauvelt, Jr.
Scarsdale, NY

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Obama Team Reaches Out to Comedians

Late-night comics are mourning the passing of the Bush Administration, which for 8 long years was "the gift that never stopped giving". The Obama Administration today reached out to reassure writers for The Daily Show, Jay Leno and others that the new President doesn't take himself too seriously and doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves by comedians. To this end, the White House released a list of Obama characteristics that would lend themselves to jnightly monologues, and sample jokes featuring them:

1. His ears stick out: What is with Obama's ears? With those ears, he doesn't need a warrant to listen in on other people. Unlike the Bush Administration, however, the Obama administration would never flout the Constitution by tapping American's phone calls without going through the FISA courts.
2. His wife is beautiful: How sexy is Michele Obama? She is so sexy that if Bill Clinton had been married to her, Al Gore would just be finishing his second term in office.
3. People have overly high expectations of him: People sure are expecting a lot from our new President. It's almost as if they think he can single-handedly restore prosperity, solve the Middle East crises, reverse global warming and make Washington sports teams good again -- which of course is ridiculous. I mean, the Wizards, Nats and Redskins are pretty pathetic.
4. He looks funny in shorts: Did you see Obama playing golf in shorts in Hawaii? He was taking a week off between the campaign and the Inauguration. Whereas Bush decided to wait until he WAS President to begin taking time off.
5. He has adorable daughters. Sasha came running into the Oval Office the other day, very upset because she had spilled her drink on the floor. "Daddy, I feel so bad - I made a mess in the White House." "Don't worry honey" said Obama. "That's nothing compared to the guy who used to live here."

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Inauguration Diary

7:20 AM -- We begin provisioning for 4 mile hike into town due to obstacles to other forms of transportation: Metro (60 minute wait as of 4 am), buses (prospect of circling endlessly looking for an approved place to park) or driving (high risk of being taken out by TSA missile strike). Settle 0n 4 layers of clothing and small supply of hand warmers (easily converted into cash in case of emergency). Temperature is 30 Farenheit, or -48 with the wind chill crossing the 14th Street bridge. We manage to reach other side of bridge safely, but only after eating one of our sled dogs.

8:40 AM -- Sidewalk vendors are doing brisk business in all things Obama. Some get a jump on the next Christmas season by offering an Obama creche, complete with baby Obama and "Joseph" Biden and "Mary" Pelosi (first time Mary has been depicted in Armani suits).

9:00 AM -- White suburban Democrats flock to concession "Rent a Friend of Color" so they can better enjoy the feeling of unity provided by the new Administration.

10:30 AM -- Two protesters from some obscure religious group wave signs warning "Homos, sports nuts, porn addicts and Mormons" are damned if they put their faith in Obama rather than Jesus. Evangelical Pastor Rick Warren, giving the invocation, reaches out by pledging his support for full marriage rights for sports nuts.

11:00 AM - FOX commentator Bill O'Reilly remarks how amazing it is to see so many black people crowded together and not rioting.

11:30 AM -- Dick and Lynne Cheney are introduced to a reception similar to that which Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb gets at FedEx (Redskins) Field. Speculation runs rampant as to why he is in a wheelchair. Some assert that he has run low on the supply of blood from young kittens which he requires to power his heart, others that it was a shredding accident. Actually he was injured in death struggle with Obama which was halted only when he reveled to Obama -- "I AM your father".

11:45 AM -- The Navy Master of Ceremonies tries to avoid the possible embarrassment from an unfavorable crowd reception for President Bush by trying to sneak him in along with the new First Family -- "And now, the first daughter SASHA OBAMA and president George W. Bush and MALIA OBAMA. " The ruse is foiled when Sasha and Malia skip rapidly ahead leaving George W. isolated on the large Jumbotrons. Laura reassures her husband that the crowd noise is simply Red Sox fans cheering for Kevin Youklis ("Yoooooouk") who was spotted off in the Purple section.

11:50 AM -- Crowd goes wild for John Rause, the assistant chief of staff for the minority of the subcommittee on Congressional affairs and executive management.

12:00 PM -- President elect Obama is introduced. He runs down the aisle giving high fives to Bill and Hillary and then he and Joe Biden give a leaping "shoulder bump" to each other.

12:05 PM-- Chief Justice John Roberts administers the oath to President-elect Obama. Roberts temporarily throws the President-elect off-stride by citing the oath as "preserve, protect and defend some of the Constitution" before realizing he is reading from the old version he administered to George W. Bush. Sean Hannity asserts that it looks a lot like Obama is taking the oath on a Koran until being informed it is Abraham Lincoln's Bible.

12:10 PM -- President Obama is successfully sworn in. MSNBC is fined by the FCC for publicly broadcasting Chris Matthews' orgasm. The heavens part briefly and spectators swear they hear trumpets until they realize it is just the 42d Air Force band.

1:30 PM -- Parents who have waited in line since dawn in the hopes that Obama will lay hands on and heal their ailing children are disappointed when they are greeted instead by Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tom Daschle who offers to enroll them in S-CHIP (expanded health care program for children).

2:30 PM -- Obama makes the ceremonial knock on the front door of the White House. At first, the sergeant-at-arms tries to draw the curtains and pretend no one is home, but eventually is forced to open the door and buy subscriptions to "TV Guide", "Boys Life" and "Popular Science" from the President-elect. A DC squad car pulls up to check out if "everything is all right" and asks Obama for some ID.

3:30 PM -- The inauguration parade finally begins, some 90 minutes late, effectively ending arguments about whether Obama is "black enough".

January 21, 11:00 am

Chief Justice John Roberts re-administers oath of office to Obama in the OvalOffice, after it was revealed that Roberts omitted the language in the Constitution, "Simon says repeat after me..."

Friday, January 16, 2009

Things You May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record

As part of the attempt to burnish the Bush legacy, the White House has released a pamphlet entitled "100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record" (www:\\Whitehouse.gov). Among the lesser known items:

You may not be aware that the President Bush and his administration:
1. Always insisted its members maintain the highest ethical standards until they resigned, were indicted or wrote a tell-all book.
2. Helped double internet access in Moldovia.
3. Insisted that all Cabinet members, including the President himself, always offer frank, unvarnished advice to VP Cheney.
4. Prevented any U.S. death from major meteorite strikes for 8 years.
5. Personally assigned pet nicknames to 145 Administration staffers and Cabinet members and 82 individual members of the White House press corps.
6. Worked with Jack Abramoff to reduce regulatory barriers to private-public partnerships.
7. Never received oral sex from a White House intern.
8. Is still pursuing "second gunman" theory behind Cheney hunting accident.
9. With only one exception, refused to let Dick Cheney employ his Sith Lord cyborg death grip in Cabinet meetings (and that one time, Paul O'Neill really had it coming).
10. Insisted that each of its Attorneys General hold a law degree from a real accredited law school.
11. Carried on time-honored tradition of incompetent but unindicted Secretaries at HUD.
12. Avoided wars with 582 of 584 (99.6%) independent nations.
13. Remains popular in Turkmenistan
14. During a record-breaking 800 days of vacation, remained thoroughly engaged in the important Administration tasks, including: 6000 miles of mountain-biking; 400 acres of brush-clearing;  400 hours of security briefing; and 4 days of watching an American city drown. 
15.  Was instrumental in helping elect the Nation's first black President.