Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Inauguration Diary

7:20 AM -- We begin provisioning for 4 mile hike into town due to obstacles to other forms of transportation: Metro (60 minute wait as of 4 am), buses (prospect of circling endlessly looking for an approved place to park) or driving (high risk of being taken out by TSA missile strike). Settle 0n 4 layers of clothing and small supply of hand warmers (easily converted into cash in case of emergency). Temperature is 30 Farenheit, or -48 with the wind chill crossing the 14th Street bridge. We manage to reach other side of bridge safely, but only after eating one of our sled dogs.

8:40 AM -- Sidewalk vendors are doing brisk business in all things Obama. Some get a jump on the next Christmas season by offering an Obama creche, complete with baby Obama and "Joseph" Biden and "Mary" Pelosi (first time Mary has been depicted in Armani suits).

9:00 AM -- White suburban Democrats flock to concession "Rent a Friend of Color" so they can better enjoy the feeling of unity provided by the new Administration.

10:30 AM -- Two protesters from some obscure religious group wave signs warning "Homos, sports nuts, porn addicts and Mormons" are damned if they put their faith in Obama rather than Jesus. Evangelical Pastor Rick Warren, giving the invocation, reaches out by pledging his support for full marriage rights for sports nuts.

11:00 AM - FOX commentator Bill O'Reilly remarks how amazing it is to see so many black people crowded together and not rioting.

11:30 AM -- Dick and Lynne Cheney are introduced to a reception similar to that which Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb gets at FedEx (Redskins) Field. Speculation runs rampant as to why he is in a wheelchair. Some assert that he has run low on the supply of blood from young kittens which he requires to power his heart, others that it was a shredding accident. Actually he was injured in death struggle with Obama which was halted only when he reveled to Obama -- "I AM your father".

11:45 AM -- The Navy Master of Ceremonies tries to avoid the possible embarrassment from an unfavorable crowd reception for President Bush by trying to sneak him in along with the new First Family -- "And now, the first daughter SASHA OBAMA and president George W. Bush and MALIA OBAMA. " The ruse is foiled when Sasha and Malia skip rapidly ahead leaving George W. isolated on the large Jumbotrons. Laura reassures her husband that the crowd noise is simply Red Sox fans cheering for Kevin Youklis ("Yoooooouk") who was spotted off in the Purple section.

11:50 AM -- Crowd goes wild for John Rause, the assistant chief of staff for the minority of the subcommittee on Congressional affairs and executive management.

12:00 PM -- President elect Obama is introduced. He runs down the aisle giving high fives to Bill and Hillary and then he and Joe Biden give a leaping "shoulder bump" to each other.

12:05 PM-- Chief Justice John Roberts administers the oath to President-elect Obama. Roberts temporarily throws the President-elect off-stride by citing the oath as "preserve, protect and defend some of the Constitution" before realizing he is reading from the old version he administered to George W. Bush. Sean Hannity asserts that it looks a lot like Obama is taking the oath on a Koran until being informed it is Abraham Lincoln's Bible.

12:10 PM -- President Obama is successfully sworn in. MSNBC is fined by the FCC for publicly broadcasting Chris Matthews' orgasm. The heavens part briefly and spectators swear they hear trumpets until they realize it is just the 42d Air Force band.

1:30 PM -- Parents who have waited in line since dawn in the hopes that Obama will lay hands on and heal their ailing children are disappointed when they are greeted instead by Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tom Daschle who offers to enroll them in S-CHIP (expanded health care program for children).

2:30 PM -- Obama makes the ceremonial knock on the front door of the White House. At first, the sergeant-at-arms tries to draw the curtains and pretend no one is home, but eventually is forced to open the door and buy subscriptions to "TV Guide", "Boys Life" and "Popular Science" from the President-elect. A DC squad car pulls up to check out if "everything is all right" and asks Obama for some ID.

3:30 PM -- The inauguration parade finally begins, some 90 minutes late, effectively ending arguments about whether Obama is "black enough".

January 21, 11:00 am

Chief Justice John Roberts re-administers oath of office to Obama in the OvalOffice, after it was revealed that Roberts omitted the language in the Constitution, "Simon says repeat after me..."


Stinkin' pinko said...

Nice to get the real man-on-the-street story instead of network fluff. But you left a few key questions unanswered that inquiring old guys want to know:

1) Did you get a look at the Presidential Port-o-Let?
2) Was it painted red, white, and blue?
3) Did he let old Joe Biden use it?
4) Personally, did you anticipate the repeal of Bush rules and go with a condom cath, or revisit House history with Foley?

Eastoff said...

Good to see you guys made it. Luckily Ashleigh and I got to walk from a little closer. We also saw the "homos and sports nuts"guy, too bad we never spotted you (I can't imagine how we didn't run into each other).