Saturday, February 27, 2010

Hockey Team Deals With Canadian Trash Talking

Vancouver -- The highly anticipated rematch between the U.S. and Canadian hockey teams has brought out a rarely seen competetive fire among the host country's fans. Americans were surprised to read in the New York Times that American goalie Ryan Miller had experienced "trash talking" of the local fans, although he noted that, being Canada it was "polite". Here we repeat the most frequent taunts tossed by Canadians at visiting Olympians.

Bode Miller -- "Hey Bode, say hi to your wife for me. I've never met her but she seems like a nice lady."

Lindsey Vonn -- "Hey Lindsey, too bad you hurt your shin. Our national health care system would take care of that for free -- if you were Canadian."
Chad Hedrick - "Hey Chad, you wife's weight is in the healthy range for her height but I don't think she is getting sufficient fiber in her diet."
Johnny Weir -- "Hey Weir, here in Canada you could get married."

Ryan Miller -- "Goalie, if we play up to our potential, Canada has a good chance of scoring
some goals against you."

Apollo Ohno -- "Hey, Ohno, shouldn't it be 'Oh-yes'?"

Shaun White -- "Shaun, we would gladly worship you as a God except we are a secular country."

Sunday, February 21, 2010

White House Visit Looks Likely for Shaun White

After winning his second gold medal in the half-pipe, snowboard phenomenon Shaun White told Bob Costas he really hopes he'll get an invitation to meet the President at the White House. Although that word will probably half to wait until the Vancouver Olympics are concluded, early signals suggest that snowboarding has captured the White House consciousness. Speaking to House Democrats late last week, President Obama told them now was the time to keep up the fight for healthcare reform. "I didn't come to Washington to play it safe. I came to put down these great tricks I have been working on. Passing healthcare reform is the savvy thing to do, it's the saucy thing to do. Let's go big and stomp it. "

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Snow and Power Outages Fray Patience

Police Blotter -- Arlington -- Week of February 6th-12th

Feb 6th -- Outside Pentagon City Mall -- Packs of feral youth reported roaming in search of Internet access. They corner a middle-aged government contractor in thigh deep snow and wrestle away his I-phone to log onto Man escapes with minor injuries and $30 in texting charges.

Feb. 7th -- N. Monroe St. -- Man walking his Labrador assaulted by homeowner who claims that Arlington County ordinance requires the pet owner to "bag and dispose of" the 3 foot circle of yellow snow left by the dog.

Feb. 8th -- N. Irving St. -- EMTs respond to call for "acute cholesterol overload". College student had been without power for 3 days and living entirely on supply of defrosting Hot-Pockets which he was grilling in his fireplace.

Feb. 9th -- S. 23d St. -- Police called to bar to break up altercation. A 28 y.o. white male from Arlington assaulted a 33 .o. white male visitor from N. Dakota after the visitor had, for the 28th time in 4 days, turned to a fellow patron and said, "You know what they call weather like this in North Dakota? A heat spell. Ha, ha, ha. " Visitor booked for "incitement."

Feb. 10th -- Suicide hotline receives call from despondent Federal worker in Lee Heights who is depressed to learn he was not considered "essential" despite being Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Associate Undersecretary for Legislative Liaisons in Department of Agriculture. Man threatens to throw himself in front of Metro train before being informed that Metro is not running aboveground in his neighborhood. Counselors advise man of the closest underground station where Metro service is available.

Feb 11th -- Police responding to domestic disturbance find 51 y.o. male in psychotic episode induced by watching "The View" for 4th consecutive day. Man revived with DVD of "The Hangover" and released.

Feb. 12th -- Cherrydale neighborhood -- Police receive calls about "protection racket" in which a man calling himself "Frank" would approach homeowners saying "That is a beautiful parking space you have shoveled out. It would be a shame if something should happen to it." Homeowners who declined to pay "snow insurance" reported awaking to find that a Bobcat frontloader had deposited several feet of snow in the space overnight. Suspect is a white middle-aged male in a long wool overcoat with a New Jersey accent.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

DC Area Gets Resourceful In Storm Aftermath

Washington, DC: The snow storms battering the area, and the accompanying loss of power and Internet access for many households, have forced area residents to come up with resourceful new solutions to old problems. We offer below some of the most innovative suggestions from our readers:

1. Billy T, Arlington: I was really bummed that I couldn't get on Facebook to keep up with my friends. But when I was out shoveling, I realized there were a bunch of kids my age on our block. We spent time doing the kind of stuff we could do on Facebook -- making snarky comments, updating our status, "poking" each other, etc. I can't wait until I can get back on Facebook so we can become real Friends.

2. Jimmy K, Springfield, VA. I am a huge fan of Call of Duty so I didn't know what to do when we lost power. But some friends and I realized you could press snow into little round balls and use them just like bullets or mortars. We also could build "forts" for protection. It's not quite as exciting without the simulated blood and reloading is more time-consuming but it actually didn't suck as much as I thought when my Mom suggested it.

3. Donna L. Friendship Heights We couldn't get on the Web for 4 days when Comcast was out. But a friend brought back a "magazine" from the supermarket -- it had a lot of the same information I used to get on the Web -- celebrity gossip, movie reviews, recipes -- and I didn't need to log in. I just can't believe they expect you to pay money for it. Crazy!

4. Bob K, College Park, MD: Without Internet, I couldn't get onto the live sex chats I usually subscribe to. Since I didn't have any power I had to head down to a local bar for some food. I was surprised to see there were real girls there I could talk to, and it cost me a lot less per minute. But for some reason they didn't want to keep talking about how "hot" I was making them.

5. Debbie S, Takoma Park, MD: My Kindle died 8 hours into the storm, and I was almost finished with the latest John Grisham novel. But a neighbor said she knew someone with the analog version and got it for me (a "boook" is what I think they call it). It was too thick to fit in my handbag, and I couldn't adjust the backlight, but it worked reasonably well in a pinch. Maybe I could take it to the beach.

6. Donna L, Alexandria: I couldn't get to the gym for nearly a week. But I worked out a regimen that gave me a good workout for my lats, deltoids, biceps and core. You grab a snow shovel, bend over, pick up a load of snow with the shovel, then throw it over your right shoulder, then on the next pass you throw it over your left shoulder. You can really feel the burn after a while -- all it needed was some good loud disco music.