Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Karl Rove Decries Iran Elections

Karl Rove weighed in yesterday to criticize the announced re-election for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as a "sham". "Here we have a world leader who portrays himself as just a 'regular guy' while pandering to the worst nationalistic and militaristic elements in his country," noted the former political strategist for George W. Bush. "His party criticizes the opposition as unpatriotic while appealing to the most extreme religious conservative elements, and urging rural voters to be suspicious of the educated, urban electorate. When questions are raised about the fairness of the election, rather than supporting a full and complete recount of all the votes, he proposes that a council of judges, many handpicked by the very same party, can decide the election. Why, this is the biggest mockery of democracy since ... whoops, never mind. "

In a further sign that there may have been major irregularities in the Iranian election, BBC reported that in Tehran, a hotbed of support for the opposition leader Mir Hussein Moussavi, a confusing ballot apparently led 15% of voters to cast their ballot for Ralph Nader.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

World Warms to Susan Boyle Story

The story of Susan Boyle, a shy, frumpy resident of a small Scottish village who became an international sensation after her performance on a British televisions talent show spread across the Internet, continues to captivate the public in the UK and the US. The recent news that she had checked into a clinic citing "exhaustion" has further heartened American viewers. "It's so easy today to assume you have to be a beautiful celebrity to have your life ruined by media attention," said fan Cheryl Teesdale. "I used to dream of being Britney Spears, shaving my head, and having paparazzi stalk me in the grocery store but deep down I knew those dreams were out of my reach," said the overweight housewife from Trenton. "But Susan Boyle proved you don't have to be gorgeous for the media to invade your life so completely that you flip out. I think it is an inspiration for all us average people." Others in the media agreed. "I think the lesson of Susan Boyle," said one television executive, "is that anyone, no matter how old they are or where they live, as long as they really believe in their dream, can live to see that dream come true and then turned completely upside down and torn apart in front of millions of viewers. It is so damn heartwarming I almost tear up."

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Republicans Tap Reagan Statue To Lead Party

In an unexpected shakeup, Republicans announced today that the bronze statue of Ronald Reagan, unveiled today in the Capitol, will replace gaffe-prone Michael Steele as head of the Republican Party. Since the election of President Obama, Republicans have searched unsuccessfully for a leader who can galvanize the party around a new message. Unfortunately, the message of Party Chairman Steele was often overshadowed by repeated gaffes brought on by his off-the-cuff style. He alternately criticized Rush Limbaugh, endorsed choice on abortion, then had to apologize for both, before denying global warming and likening Obama to Nixon. Republican insiders have grown uncomfortable as they watched Limbaugh and unpopular ex-Vice President Dick Cheney become de facto leaders of the party in the absence of a clearer message. "We are excited that Reagan has returned to lead the party," said one party insider, who spoke anonymously for fear of offending other Republican statues nearby in the Rotunda, including that of Teddy Roosevelt. "This statue embodies all the steadfast qualities we need in a leader -- and talk about gravitas -- he weighs 5 tons! " he noted. Another Republican noted, "The statue will continue what Reagan was so good at -- going over the heads of the media (literally) directly to the people." Other insiders speculated the statue may also be in line to replace Rep. John Boehner as minority leader of house Republicans. "For one thing," noted a fellow Congressman. "Reagan's statue has a more lifelike skin color than Rep. Boehner."