Thursday, December 4, 2008

Barney Conducting Secret Lobbying Campaign to Stay as White House Dog


According to White House insiders, President Bush’s Scottish Terrier Barney is engaged in furious back channel negotiations to be allowed to stay on in the position of White House dog in the Administration of newly elected President Barack Obama. Obama’s public promise to get a dog for his two daughters set off heated speculation about what type of dog it would be. It is a safe bet that no-one ever considered Barney, generally considered as one of the last remaining Bush loyalists. According to friends, however, Barney has steadily grown disillusioned with his master starting with the botched Federal response to Katrina, in which many dogs perished. “Basically, I think Barney has gradually recognized that Bush, friend though he is, has been a disastrous President,” said someone close to the terrier. “Remember,” he went on, “Bush picked Barney, not the other way around.” Barney, born in New Jersey and living in D.C. his whole life, has also made clear he has no desire to return with the Bushes to Texas. “Hey, I’m a Scottish terrier,” he once observed. “As in 'cloudy, cool banks of Loch Lomond.' I think 'Crawford' must be Scottish for 'scorching shit-hole'.” He has been making the argument to the transition team that his experience, house training and hypoallergenic fur will give the Obamas one less thing to worry about. “Do you really want a stupid retriever puppy peeing on the Oval Office rug?” observed one backer.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Fight Over Pardoned Turkeys Proceeds to Court


The two turkeys pardoned by President Bush in the traditional holiday ritual remain caught in a legal limbo 6 days after the White House ceremony announcing that they were being spared their Thanksgiving fate. Lawyers for the turkeys, named May and Flower, have filed a writ with the D.C. District court seeking a prompt release of their clients. The Justice Department, however, continues to claim the right to detain the turkeys indefinitely as unlawful enemy combatants. “The pardon applies solely to the capital charges associated with being a turkey. It was never intended to override the U.S. rights of preventive detention for unlawful combatants.” Lawyers for the turkeys have for months been seeking a habeus corpus hearing to challenge those charges, noting they are based solely of the testimony of the rival barnyard factions who turned the turkeys over to authorities. Said one lawyer, "The leader of the rival clan Henny Penny has a well-documented history of wild claims" (see “Panic Ensues after Report of Falling Sky”, NY Times, May 1989). Further complicating negotiations has been difficulty finding anyone willing to accept the released turkeys. The home farm for the turkeys has refused to take them back for fear they may foment unrest among the remaining turkeys. “No turkey has ever returned from the “Truck to the Promised Land” that arrives every November, said Red Barnston, owner of the farm. “It could cause complete havoc.”

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Obama Choice of HUD Secretary Astounds Public

In a bold move that took both supporters and critics by surprise, President-elect Barack Obama nominated outgoing President George W. Bush to the position of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Although some saw it as an extreme example of Obama following the Lincoln strategy of assembling a “team of rivals” in his Cabinet, the actual motivations appear more mundane. First, Democratic activists were increasingly worried about being able to hold their coalition together without having Bush to criticize. Putting him in charge of the Agency that has been caught flat-footed by the housing bubble guarantees an unlimited supply of news stories and Congressional hearings to continually remind the public that everything that goes wrong is still Bush's fault. Second, the housing market is so thoroughly damaged that there is little risk that Bush could make it any worse. Finally, HUD has officially been designated as the holding area for officials who are awaiting indictment. Previous HUD Secretary under George W. Bush, Alphonso Jackson, resigned in May of this year amid charges that he used his influence to steer lucrative work to a Philadelphia business partner. Henry Cisneros, HUD Secretary under Bill Clinton, served under the cloud of a special prosecutor investigation of payments he made to a former mistress. Finally, Samuel Pierce, HUD secretary under Ronald Reagan, escaped indictment but presided over a scandal-ridden agency where programs of rent-subsidies were widely abused to support political contributors. Said one Obama insider, “I think the President–elect felt it was important to show that mismanaging HUD isn’t just a minority thing.”

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Democrats Demand al Qaeda Apology

Democratic leaders reacted angrily today to a new 11 minute video released by al Qaeda, in which their second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, heaps abuse on president elect Barack Obama, calling him a “house slave”. Senate leader Harry Reid demanded an immediate apology, saying it was “pathetic” that the organization was resorting to the "race card." “I think this is a sign of desperation, “ said Reid. “As is blowing yourself up. Neither offer real solutions to the problems of middle class Muslim’s.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi demanded that al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden repudiate al-Zawahiri’s comments. “It is outrageous to engage in the politics of personal destruction. Not to mention actual personal destruction. We are steamed about that, too” said Pelosi. “The voters have been clear they want solutions, not more of the same jihad.” Obama advisers blame the new al Qaeda strategy on Republican strategists, who may have sought work advising the al Qaeda campaign after their November defeat. “This is a page straight out of Karl Rove’s playbook,’” said David Axelrod, political manager of the Obama campaign. At least one Al Qaeda operative had endorsed John McCain in the Presidential contest, and the traditional values platform of the fundamenatlist Muslim group resonates with some conservative Republicans. But rumors of a Rove-Zawihiri link accelerated when, later in the new video, al Zawhiri is seen to warn his listeners that "the American infidels will ban prayer in your madrassas, take away your AK-47s, and raise the taxes on your goats.”

Friday, November 21, 2008

RNC Releases Inventory of Palin Clothes

Juneau -- The Republican National Committee today released its long-awaited inventory of Sarah Palin's clothes, seeking to end a month long furor over reports that it had spent $150,000 on designer clothes for the Vice-Presidential nominee. Spokesman Todd Burnham noted that the document released today was compiled by the Alaska Governor and her family in response to an RNC request to document which items in her wardrobe were purchased by the RNC for the campaign and would therefore be donated to charity. The notations are those of Gov. Palin and have not been verified yet by independent auditors.

Cream Valentino jacket – size 8 – Bought by RNC. Donate

6 pair girls’ underwear saying “True Love Waits” – these are Bristol’s. Keep

“I’d Tap That” T shirt (oil derrick logo), brown, size M – this belongs to John. Return

4 White T shirts – “I’m with stupid” – Nicole Wallace ordered these for my staff – please discard.

Red Manolo pumps, size 7 – I have already had these resoled with Vibram soles. Keep

Women’s underwear, embroidered with “Drill, Baby, Drill” – gift from Todd. Keep

Flyer’s Hockey Jacket, with mustard stains – gift. Note to self: No more hockey gigs without checking local voter registration. The Philadelphia owner must have been the only Republican in that crowd.

Camouflage pattern nightgown – gift from Todd. Keep

4 silk Hermes scarves – I am pretty sure the Wasilla town council gave me these when I was elected Governor. Keep

2 pair white long underwear – Not sure how these got here – Return to Mitt.

Kevlar bustier – gift from NRA. Keep

Dashiki size 44 – Todd bought this for his Jeremiah Wright Halloween outfit (please remove tube of “black face paint” from pocket). Keep

Apron with logo -- “A women’s place is in the House (and in the Senate)” – gift from Alaska Republicans – Please donate to charity (damn you, Mark Begich)

Monday, November 17, 2008

GOP Seeks Bailout Protection

The national Republican Party has filed an application to the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP), the Federal bailout program in charge of rescuing failing banking and insurance industries. According to the filing, the GOP's ability to obtain credit in the public marketplace has "completely frozen up" , according to one analyst. Their troubles were brought on by a series of bad investments over the past 8 years, including seriously over-leveraging their investments in the war on terror, deregulation and "conservative Christian values", all of which are trading at all-time lows.

The request for a bailout has caused a strong debate in economic circles. Some feel that without fundamental restructuring of the GOP, a bailout will simply delay the inevitable declaration of intellectual bankruptcy. "Look," noted one analyst, "they keep hoping the models that sold well in the 1980's will make a come back. They haven't updated their basic design and styling to create a package that meets the needs of the American consumer." The GOP did create a temporary buzz at the 2008 summer autoshow with their radical concept car, the Palin, a stylish gas guzzler, but consumers turned on it after a number of highly publicized accidents raised questions about it's basic safety and durability. Foreign competition, incuding the U.K. -made Cameron, has generally outperformed the American models in the conservative marketplace.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Auto Industry Plans New Incentives

The US auto industry, working with Democratic supporters in Congress, is developing a series of new incentives to try to lure reluctant car-buyers back to the showrooms. Auto sales have fallen off a cliff during the recent slowdown, but automakers hope the following new offerings will help boost sales:

The Yes We Can package: Buy a new 2009 Toyota Prius and get your picture taken with the new President-elect. Note: depending on travel schedule, White House reserves option of substituting Joe Biden or Rahm Emanuel. Car comes pre-equipped with "1-20-09: End of an Error" bumpersticker and with XM radio pretuned to Tavis Smiley and "Democracy Now".

The Testosterone package: You no longer need a Hummer to make up for feelngs of masculine inadequacy. Each 2009 Chrysler 300 comes with 3 UAW "enforcers" who will ride with you where-ever you go. Their scowling visages will sends a clear message to nearby drivers that you are not a man to mess with.

The Home and Hearth package -- The first 5000 buyers of a 2009 Town and Country minivan will get their pick of any foreclosed properties within a 100 mile radius. Added advantage -- the easy fold-down seats in the Town and Country make this minivan a comfy and roomy shelter should the previous property owners manage to work out that refinancing deal with their bank .

The Bringing Home the Bacon package -- Reluctant to buy a car because you just got laid off? No worries! Buy a new 2009 Chevy Malibu and get a free 2 year lease on a cubicle at a vacant office park. Comes with free phone, parking, and a realistic looking packet of monthly pay-stubs from "Dynotechnitron Industries". Your family will be none the wiser as you head off to your new "job" each morning in your slick new ride.

The "Millenial" Package: Convinced that the election of a black President and the stock-market collapse are a sign of the "end times"? Why not await The Rapture in comfort in your new 2009 Ford F-150 King Ranch pickup. The new RCA DVD system will allow you to view the unmasking of the anti-Christ while safely protected from God's wrath by the double laminated windows. Drown out the screams of eternal torment from unbelievers with the premium Dolby sound system. Added bonus: just like your underwear, those car payments get left behind on earth as you make your heavenly ascent.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Media Anxiety High In Aftermath of Bush Bubble

Media companies are facing a grim world of layoffs in the aftermath of the popping of the Bush bubble. Books, movies and television shows criticizing the Bush administration were a steady growth industry for the past eight years, leading to a classic cycle of overinvestment until the bottom fell out of the market with the election of Barack Obama. Until then, many liberal critics were secretly holding out hope that a McCain-Palin victory would provide the needed injection of material to keep the market afloat or at least provide a soft landing. Instead, it looks like broad layoffs are certain as the industry retools to survive in a less “target-rich” environment. The fallout will fall unevenly on different media sectors. The movie making industry will likely survive the best – although the last eight years saw a succession of movies aimed at the Iraq war and Bush policies, beginning with “Farenheit 911” and ending with “W”, most did poorly at the box office and thus did not lead to a frenzy of speculative investment. Publishing will be harder hit – Amazon currently lists over 4,000 titles related to George W. Bush, over 90% critical (if you are interested in the few favorable ones, such as “The Faith of George W. Bush”, you’re in luck – you can pick up used copies on Amazon for $0.01 plus shipping). “The Obama-hating books have not done well,” said literary agent Bob Morris. “I think their audience does most of their reading on the Internet.” Uncertainty is especially high for TV shows that have thrived in Bush World, such as The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Real Time with Bill Maher, all of which saw ratings skyrocket in the run-up to the campaign. According to one media analyst, “These shows were the Hummers of television comedy – when material was as cheap as it was from 2000-2008, they could afford to flaunt their size and power but we are looking at a much changed world. The price of good material is already going through the roof and I am not sure they can remake themselves as lean, green shows.” Some writers and producers seem resistant to accepting this changed reality even today, however. Agents are pitching a new show for the spring season of MSNBC called “Didn’t Bush Suck?”

Sunday, November 9, 2008

McCain Camp Baffled At Youth Vote

McCain campaign insiders are still struggling to explain their inability to connect with younger voters, who went overwhelmingly for Barack Obama. Director of youth outreach, Horace Schlemekennburg, noted, “We tried a variety of proven strategies for reaching these younger voters – we faxed them, left messages on answering machines, even sent out cassettes and videotapes with messages from the candidate. We organized a series of college sock hops – “Sock it to Greed and Corruption because I’m Hopping Mad” – to encourage new voters.” None of these, however, seemed to make a dent in Obama’s popularity in voters aged 18-29. “We realize the media rules are changing,” said campaign manager Steve Schmidt. “We reached out to stars who we knew “were down” with these younger voters – Donny Osmond, Chuck Norris, Ted Nugent. We made special ad buys on “Survivor”. Why, we even created a My Face page for the campaign.” The failure of the campaign to communicate in the language of the young voter , however, blunted their message. “When they claimed Obama was a socialist” said Megan O’Rourke, a first-time voter, “that just rang kind of false. Obama doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who likes to party.” Similarly, attempts to link him to the Weather Underground were misinterpreted as a reference to a 70’s smooth-jazz band. In the end, the McCain campaign remained downhearted and mystified. “Jeesh – what is it with kids these days?” shrugged Schlemekennburg.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

White Insider Sells Broken-Down House to Out-of Town Black Family

Authorities Investigate Housing Scam

Federal authorities are investigating possible housing fraud over the sale of a choice Washington property to an Illinois senator. After a 20 month bidding war against powerful Washington insiders, the Senator finally won out at a price reported to be in excess of $750 million dollars, but not before ugly threats had been leveled at the family, the first black homeowners in the neighborhood. After signing a four-year lease, the senator discovered a host of unpleasant surprises: due to a lack of maintenance for the past 8 years (even while the seller was spending lavishly abroad) the basic infrastructure of the house is at risk of collapsing and neighbors have been complaining of unpleasant odors. The buyer is soliciting help in repairing the historical property to its former glory.

Friday, November 7, 2008

New Position for Joe Lieberman

Washington was abuzz today over the planned sit-down between wayward Democrat Joe Lieberman and Senate leader Harry Reid. Lieberman is widely expected to lose his committee chairmanship for having supported John McCain and for having attacked Obama at the Republican convention. But what New Jobs could be offered in return to Joe Lieberman? Leading possibilities:
  1. Ambassador to Kyrgyzstan
  2. Trainer for the new White House puppy
  3. In charge of selling Sarah Palin’s clothes on eBay
  4. “Joe the Plumber’s” media advisor
  5. Pre-marital counselor to Bristol Plain and Levi Johnston
  6. Monitor receding of Antarctic ice sheet at Vostok Station

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Republicans Seek to Rebuild Party

The morning after their most thorough trouncing since 1964, Republicans woke up asking, “Where did we go wrong? I mean, other than the war, torture, the economic implosion, corruption, incompetence, ideological purges…” Republicans now must look to rebuild their party. One strategist saw both a diagnosis and a potential cure in the demographic breakdowns in the exit polls. “Well, we won people over 65 and rural, white evangelical Christians. We did real well among them. And among those who thought Obama might be a secret Al Qaeda mole, " said Ty Malone. "We need to focus on increasing the number of old people, evangelicals living in small towns, and wackos.” The party is faced with some potential contradictions, however, in following this strategy of expanding their base. “Evangelicals can go out and recruit people, so that might work.” said one Republican pollster. "Unfortunately, old people die off -- the baby boomers will help produce more of them but we need to slow the production of younger voters. More handguns maybe. Unfortunately, there is a relatively fixed pool of wackos – the Internet and Palin rallies just make it seem like there are more of them.”

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

McCain Remains Upbeat At End

John McCain urge on supporters not to be deterred by the gloomy polls. "We have got 'em right where we want them, " he said, addressing a crowd at a Florida airport. "I have begun to sense something different today. A different feeling, a feeling of change and urgency...Oh, wait, that's just my prostate. Are there any porta-potties near by?"

Monday, November 3, 2008

Stop the Vote Count!

After 20 months of negative ads, robocalls, and shouting heads, most Americans are approaching today's vote with a mixture of hope and relief – relief that we can go back to the normalcy of when the non-stop ads talked about erectile dysfunction rather than socialism. But before we celebrate the end of this seemingly endless campaign, we should reconsider the many benefits it has provided, benefits we will sorely miss come November 5th:

Stimulating the economy

The presidential race has been estimated to have cost upwards of $2 billion, and the combined election costs including all House/Senate/states races are pegged at a total of $5.4 billion. This infusion of cash has helped prop up a sagging economy, employing a vast array of campaign managers, media consultants, precinct captains, advertising firms, and Web designers, not to mention pizza delivery men, sound techs, bus drivers, sign-printers, plumbers-turned pundits and sales-staff at Neiman Marcus. At a time when bastions of white collar employment like banks and insurance companies are imploding, the campaigns provided the one area of steady growth. This is leaving aside the vast secondary economy that depends largely or entirely on the election: cable news channels, political commentators, bloggers, and late-night-television comedians. Barring a recount, don’t be surprised to see CNN, MSNBC and Comedy Central following GM’s example in announcing major lay-offs come mid-November.

Elevating public discourse

Sure, there has been a lot of gnashing of teeth about the “politics of fear” raised by silly accusations about “palling around with terrorists”. But have we forgotten what we were arguing about before the election – whether Brittany Spears should be committed and whether Scott Peterson killed Lacey? Do we really want to go back to non-stop coverage of the latest co-ed disappearance? When was the last time before 2007 that there was a serious discussion about race, about double standards facing successful, high achieving women, or the merits of the progressive income tax?

Bolstering unemployment figures

The number of people employed by the campaigns goes well beyond those who have some slice of the $5.4 billion spent on ads and campaign infrastructure. For every dollar spent by the campaigns, there are untold dollars of “in-kind” work provided by an army of volunteers. For thousands of recent college grads, the promise of a free couch to sleep on and unlimited pizza (not to mention “campaign sex”) was enough to convince them to devote their last 18 months to working to realize the promise of “Change” (the Kind We Can Believe In or The Kind We Need, depending on your political bent). They were spared having to slink home to live with their parents in a declining economy, plus they didn’t showing up in unemployment statistics. Are we really ready to watch unemployment climb to 9% as they re-enter the labor market just as Starbucks is cutting jobs?

Distracting us from our problems

Face it, just like Seabiscuit during the Depression , the excitement of this election was a welcome distraction from our real problems. Without fivethirtyeight.com to check into every few hours, we might be tempted to check on the status of our retirement fund (depressing) or the war in Afghanistan (scary). It gave us a constant supply of things to talk about with friends or family or to tease our neighbors about (“Hey Bob – how’d you like your gal’s interview with Katie last night?”). With so many more states in play this year, it is as if half the country had a team in the pennant race (think wild card on steroids). Most important, we have largely forgotten that we still have a President in the White House who only a one in four of us supported, and which over half of the country actively loathed.

Paying attention to the whole country

Say what you will about Sarah Palin’s attempts to divide the country into “real America” vs. “fake America”, other than during election season, you would be hard pressed to find ANY attention being paid to small towns in Western Pennsylvania or to farm communities in the prairie states – unless you count the occasional Hallmark classic, the “Deerhunter” (now 30 years old) or Paris Hilton’s old reality show). Is it so bad to remind the two coasts that there are lots of places where people still make a living growing our food? And that Anchorage is not the capital of Alaska? How many people even knew where the 2d congressional district of Nebraska actually is, let alone that there are enough Democrats in Omaha that it might throw a single electoral vote to Obama?

To prevent the sever shock that a sudden loss of all these tangible and intangible benefits would provide, I offer:

A modest proposal

1. Suspend the vote count. Decided voters can vote as planned on November 4th but their votes will be sequestered with the rest of the "early voters”.
2. The remaining 5% of undecided voters (and anyone not able to vote because of long lines/electoral purges/challenges, etc.) will postpone voting until January 9th in return for releasing their identities to the public. McCain and Obama will continue to campaign until then, including holding some town hall meetings made up exclusively of the remaining undecided voters. Candidate ads could be narrowcast at individual voters – “Obama – wrong on taxes. Bad for Bob Smeldenburg. Wrong for America.” Think of it as a combination of “Swing Vote” and Obama’s 30 minute infomercial.
3. Cable news, pundits, campaign workers will analyze daily tracking polls of the ups and downs of these individual undecided voters. Candidates could set up shop in nearby foreclosed houses so they could provide personal outreach to such voters, holding daily coffee klatches about their healthcare proposals and trade policy. (Sort of comes full circle back to the retail politics of the New Hampshire primaries.
4. On January 9th, ten days prior to inauguration, those voters would drive to the polls (the cable channels could track them in helicopters real time like OJ) and cast their ballots. The small number of votes could be tallied quickly and the winner would be announced in prime time EST that evening from the Kodak Center in LA. No more waiting up until midnight on the East coast for the results from Oregon; nor more heading to the polls in California and hearing the election that had already been decided. Both Obama and McCain would have to attend to accept the result, forcing them to maintain a stoically upbeat demeanor when the camera bore in on them as their opponent was announced the winner. The winner would bound up to accept the award to the sounds of Stevie Wonder or Hank Williams Jr., while pretending not to have prepared an acceptance speech in advance. Thirty-five minutes into their thank yous, the band will strike up the campaign theme song and pretty models will escort them offstage.
5. Everyone will disband to post-election parties sponsored by FoxNews, DailyKos, MSNBC and the Club for Growth. David Plouffe will get drunk and fall into a pool to be rescued by Steve Schmidt (or vice versa). Entertainment Tonight will dissect the different dresses worn by Hillary, Sarah, Cindy and Michele. And Michael Moore will punch Bill O’Reilly in the nose, making him cry.

Voters Fear Last Minute Surprises

Obama campaign mangers are trying hard to push the message that the race isn't over. After a weekend story broke revealing that Obama's aunt was in the U.S. illegally, they continue to bat down rumors and early stories that threaten to become late "game-changers", aided by independent fact-checking sites. Among them:
1. A Drudge Report story that $10,000 in charges to “900 - Sarah is a Hottie” phone sex line was traced to Obama's Chicago residence.
2. An AP report that Obama was injured along with 4 campaign workers when 20-foot-tall pile of money collapsed at campaign headquarters.
3. An internet rumor that DNA analysis revealed him to be the love child of Bobby Seale and Patty Hearst.
4. A forged note from William Ayers' house pledging “Bill – be my BFF, love, Barry”.
5. A Fox ticker claiming he had been discovered partying in hotel room with Marion Barry and Redskins cheerleaders.
6. Republican-initiated robocalls in Scranton claiming to be from Obama and urging voters to “stick it to Whitey on November 4”.
7. A post on Ed Morrisey claiming that Osama bin Laden had been captured in Alaska after being shot by Sarah Palin, who mistook him for a wolf on an aerial hunting trip
8. A tape where Obama purportedly celebrates the endorsement from Colin Powell calling him “my main Niggah”
9. A police report that Obama had suffered a serious groin injury in tussle with Jesse Jackson after speech to NAACP in August about family responsibility.
10. A release by McCain of a broad, coherent plan for dealing with economic crisis, appealing to voters’ better natures by asking for shared sacrifice (this last one’s just a wild joke).

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Obama Makes Major New TV Buy

Following the success of their 30-minute infomercial on Wednesday, the Obama campaign today announced plans to buy up the entire prime time programming of the major networks on election eve. Details of the planned lineup and story themes of these campaign-associated episodes have slowly leaked out:

30 Rock – In the 30 Barack episode, Obama guest stars as a rising young political candidate who guest hosts the show. Will Tracy Jordan follow Barack’s advice to clean up his act and establish a charity for urban youth? And what will happen as Liz and guest star Oprah compete for attention from this dynamic leader?

Desperate Housewives – A beer-distributor heiress moves into Wisteria Lane and buys up 6 houses. Rumors abound about a past history of drug abuse. And where is her husband, a rising political star, who seems to be spending a lot of time with his attractive new running mate?

Sarah Connor Chronicles -- Sarah travels back to Florida in 2000 to redesign the "butterfly ballot". Gore/Lieberman win Florida and the election. In 2008, VP Lieberman is sailing towards the nomination until the Hubble telescope picks up images revealing that that in an alternate universe he is a Republican weenie. Obama jumps in to win the nomination and defeat Jeb Bush after Terri Schiavo sends text messages from heaven saying Bush was "unChristian" for keeping her stuck on earth.

House
– A powerful elderly politician is admitted for diagnosis of his increasingly erratic behavior. Initial concerns focus on his past history of melanoma and possible post-traumatic distress syndrome but House recognizes signs of early cognitive troubles that might doom the politician’s career. Sparks fly when the first and second wife fight with the running mate over whether to make him DNR.

The Office – Joe Biden drops in on Dunder Mifflin during a campaign swing in Scranton. He inspires Michael with his advice “Champ, when life knocks you down, get up.” Dwight organizes a “Yes We Can” sing-along for staff.

What Not To Wear – Stacey and Clinton are tasked with remaking an Alaskan mother who favors fleece and outdoor clothes. Despite advice that she go with moderate and understated clothes, she goes overboard at Neiman Marcus and Saks, blowing her budget on pumps and a $2500 Valentino jacket. Suffice it to say she isn’t pleased with their advice to rethink her beehive hairdo!

Democrats Fear "Sanjaya Effect"

Forget the “Bradley effect.” Democratic strategists are secretly fearing a hidden "Sanjaya effect" may put Barack Obama's election at risk despite his apparent lead in the polls. The “Sanjaya effect” was named after noted 2006 American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar who lasted late in the competition despite an obvious lack of talent. His success was initially attributed to his good looks, his changing hairstyles and his devoted teenage fans. But then word leaked that it was due to a deliberate attempt of a core of Idol fans to confound the judges by voting for the least qualified candidate, aided by a Website named “Vote for the Worst.” "I think it arose because they got a sort of sick thrill each week in waiting to see which song he might butcher," said one Idol watcher. "That, plus their desire to confound the pundits."

Political strategists feels some of this may account for the strong showing in some polls for the Republican ticket, especially VP candidate Sarah Palin. "You have to admit", said one strategist, "a lot of people tune in to watch her because you never know what kind of misstatement or mangled fact might come out of her mouth. Her Katie Couric interview has a lot in common with Sanjaya’s rendering of ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.’ People will miss that if she loses. Plus she IS kind of hot.” Other campaign watchers echoed similar sentiments. “Look, the economy is going to suck whoever gets elected,” said one. “Why not have something entertaining to divert you from the misery?"

Saturday, November 1, 2008

New McCain 6 Point Plan For Economic Recovery

Text of new McCain plan released today:

This is John McCain and I approve this message:
The recent economic downturn is causing regular Americans like yourself significant pain. Although the causes of this disaster are clear – my opponents vote for that $3 million overhead projector for the Chicago planetarium -- now is not the time to point fingers. Now is the time for real solutions like my 6-point plan for economic recovery:

1. Restore incentives for savings. A McCain administration will immediately begin awarding free toasters to anyone opening a new savings account with at least $100 (a blender for $200). To further spur economic activity, I will instruct Ben Bernanke to revive the S&H green stamp program, which, for every purchase, awards stamps that can be redeemed for really cool gifts, such as fondue pots and Lava lamps.
2. Win the war in Iraq. People who complain that Iraq is costing the US taxpayer $5 billion per week are applying the wrong calculation. They are omitting the fact that it has already cost us $500 billion. Therefore, if we win in Iraq, we can immediately move that $500 billion from the minus column into the plus column on our budget books. Result: a net improvement of $1 trillion in our overall budget picture.
3. Barack Obama needs to come clean about his pal Bill Ayers. Alright, I recognize this doesn't have anything to do with the economy but it really steams me up.
4. Stop greed. Under a McCain-Palin administration, greed will no longer be allowed on Wall Street. All CEOs will be required to sign a pledge not to be greedy. Their annual filings will have to attest, on pain of imprisonment, that any profits they made were absolutely necessary and that they did not try to increase profits just because they like money. Anyone found to have been greedy will be publicly flogged.
5. Expand savings opportunities for younger Americans -- Cindy and I save hundreds of dollars a year on the “early bird” discounts available to seniors for eating before 6 pm. We will make this available to Americans of all ages.
6. Promote sensible energy production -- Thousands of Americans are sitting atop valuable oil deposits but are deterred by taxes on oil profits. We will make “drill-your-own” kits available to any willing taxpayer, and suspend any royalty payments for two years on any new oil discoveries. Note: City dwellers should consult with their superintendent or coop board before beginning any drilling.

Remember, in scary times like this we can’t afford to entrust this country to people offering “new ideas” or “hope”. Now is the time for faith in the old familiar ideas that were good enough for your parents and their parents before them.

Stock Market Remains Volatile

The stock market dived sharply today, reacting to worrisome news that the stock market was open. After a brief rebound in mid-session, the market fell another 500 points at closing on late news that President Bush intended to address the nation to reassure anxious investors. “In all the turmoil of the past few weeks,” noted one trader, “we had kind of forgotten that he was still in office. It was a grim reminder about how much worse things might still get.” The 981 point drop marked the biggest one-day decline since yesterday.

New McCain Ad Offers Stark Reasons for Candidacy

John McCain's new ad offers American's a stark reason to support his candidacy in the closing days of his campaign.  Borrowing from his closing remarks from the last debate, the Republican candidate solemly notes, "My friends, what I do know is how to keep up hope in difficult situations," a reference to his years of harsh treatment as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. "Let's face it, this country is going down the toilet.  If you think this is bad, you haven't seen anything yet. At least now you still have jobs, my friends, some of you. We'll all be working in some Chinese sweatshop in 5 years, and the country will be a shit-hole.  And I am the only candidate who literally knows how to survive years in a shit hole.  My opponent doesn't, " referring to Democratic nominee Barack Obama. "He hasn't endured anything worse than being on food stamps for a while. Only I know how to survive eating bugs and rats, which in a few years will seem like a feast to many of you the way things are going." 

McCain Makes Closing Argument

McCain Makes Closing Argument

 John McCain’s campaign is narrowing in on its closing argument as the campaign enters its final days.  Advisers close to the campaign revelaled that McCain’s final days will focus on the following arguments as to why he is better qualified than his Democratic opponent:

  1. Do it for an old man who doesn’t have much time left.
  2. Are you forgetting that Obama’s black? 
  3. Admit it – aren’t you a little curious to see how this Palin as VP thing would work out?
  4. Only I know how to salvage something from colossal screw ups
  5. Not only did I frequently stand up to Bush, I have never been able to stand the insufferable smug bastard.
  6. Oh, another thing -- Obama is not white.
  7. I promise I’ll forget to run again in 2012.
  8. Snoop Dog vs. Abba – you pick.
  9. You do NOT want to make Sarah Palin mad – she has guns and knows how to use them.
  10. Lots of people have endorsed me – if you give me a minute many of their names will come back to me.
  11. Where will you put all your “Bush anger” if Obama wins?

Obama Makes Closing Argument

Obama Makes Closing Argument

As the campaign of Barack Obama enters the final few days, they have outlined a few main themes that will form their “closing argument.”

  1. This campaign has never been about me. It’s always been about you. Are you so self-hating that you would vote against yourself? 
  2. If you don’t elect me, I may just keep running ads for 3 more months. Believe me, I can afford it.
  3. Don’t you just want to see Dick Cheney’s (Neil Cavuto’s/ William Kristol’s) face on November 5th when I win this thing?
  4. If you are not comfortable with the black thing, vote with a friend.  One of you can vote for my white half and the other can vote against my black half.
  5. Joe the Plumber as the Secretary of Labor. Enough said.
  6. Some poor single mother out there could really use Sarah Palin's $2500 cream Valentino jacket and the $800 Manohlo pumps.
  7. It will completely change Michele's opinions of "whitey".
  8. Has there been a cooler black man since Nat King Cole?
  9. Bruce Springsteen or LeAnn Rimes. You pick. 
  10. If I don’t win, all the little animals in the forest will weep quiet tears of disillusionment.