Saturday, February 28, 2009

Facebook Releases Easy Tool for "De-Friending"

Dear _________:
It was such a pleasure to reconnect with you on Facebook after losing touch since (a. that crazy night in Cabo; b. our days together at Northwestern; c. sitting next to you in Miss Smedenburg's preschool). I was really amazed to see that you had (a. become a successful lawyer in Washington; b. gotten those front teeth straightened and found Jesus; c. had 5 kids; d. lost all of your curly brown hair). I have enjoyed your frequent postings, especially the (a. Biblical message of the day; b. links to the "Laughing babies" on You Tube; c. screeds about how Obama is selling out the left; d. details of your life insurance business). I have also enjoyed the photos of (a. your children's report cards ; b. you with your local Congressional delegation; c. your vacation to Tuscany; d. the Walk to Raise Awareness for Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Unfortunately, my Friend list is now over 300 and it has become clear that (a. your days of being the "hottest chick" in our dorm are a distant memory; b. you have no useful connections in the Obama Whitehouse; c. you really need to get out more; d. I still have no idea how I know you). I sincerely hope you don't take my need to remove you from my Friend list personally. If you ever visit ________, I would really love the chance to get together, especially if (a. they ever get your medication dose adjusted; b. you lose 100 pounds; c. your probation conditions are loosened).

Your everlasting friend,

Name Here

Thursday, February 26, 2009

My Troubled Assets

Timothy Geithner
Department of the Treasury
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Geithner:

I have learned of the Obama Administration plans to create "bad banks" to absorb toxic assets that are causing uncertainty in the financial sector. I herewith am enclosing a list of my troubled assets, including description, date acquired, and acquisition price (including any ongoing liabilities).

  • Dow 36,000: How to Benefit from the Coming Boom in Stocks. 2/2000, $14.95
  • 500 shares 2/2000, $10,000
  • Flipping Houses for Dummies. 2/2004, $24.95
  • 3 units in Hide-a Wee Vacation Rental Condominiums, Coral Gables, Florida. 3/2004, $390,000
  • The Bank Director’s Handbook: The Board Member’s Guide to Banking and Bank Management, 9/2004 $39.95
  • 4 BR, 4 Bath Scarsdale estate on 1.5 acres. 11/2004, $3.5 million
  • 1 membership in Westchester Golf Club. $12,000, 3/2005
  • 1 bag Callaway Golf Clubs (great condition, 5 iron slightly dented, with blue paint traces). 7/2005, $6000
  • Ashley DuPont (assistant golf pro, age 34, great condition). 8/2005, $18,000 (estimated value of gifts, dinners and secret vacations
  • Structured Products and Related Credit Derivatives: An Investors Guide, 8/2006, $89.95
  • 2007 Chevy Corvette Convertible, blue (damaged front hood) 10/2006, $55,000
  • The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, 12/2006, $16.95
  • Mrs. Gordon Blauvelt (Age 55, fair condition). Acquired 6/1983, divested 4/2007. Ongoing liabilities: $10,000 per month.
  • Gordon Blauvelt III, skateboard artist, age 23. Acquired 6/1985, $836,000 (estimated, including 2 years drug rehabilitation and 0.5 years college).
  • What Color is Your Parachute: A Practical Manual for Job Hunters and Career Changers, 11/2008 $19.95
  • Basement studio apartment, unfurnished, Scarsdale, NY. 2/2009, $600/month.
  • The Gift of Simplicity: Discover the Rewards of Simplifying Your Life. 2/2009, $16.95

I look forward to hearing the next steps in your acquisition of these assets, which will greatly increase my ability to participate in future lending.


Gordon Blauvelt, Jr.
Scarsdale, NY