Friday, May 8, 2009

Ramirez Crafts New Style of Apology

Baseball star Manny Ramirez recent apology for using a banned substance introduced a new variant to the "famous person apology" library - a statement that mixes appearances of accepting responsibility while shifting blame. According to Manny:
Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.
We thought other public miscreants would have been well-served to adopt his technique:

John Edwards: Recently, I engaged a young woman to create videos for my campaign. She also provided additional services which she thought were ok to give me, since I was "totally hot". Unfortunately, this violated the policy of my wife Elizabeth against having other women bear my children. According to Oprah, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing -- for Chrissakes, I'm a TORT LAWYER. Do you think the only people I screw over are doctors and corporations?

Bernie Madoff: Over the past 10 years, I collected large sums of money from investors for a business proposition. I followed a plan that I believed would have been ok, provided the laws of mathematics and those of the SEC were repealed at the same time. Unfortunately, it turns out that people who invest money with an investment firm expect that money to be put into actual investments and not the Manhattan co-ops of the investment adviser. According to the judge, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing, however -- Lochaim!

Bill Clinton: Some time ago I consulted a zaftig young intern for a personal issue. We engaged in activity (not intercourse) that she thought would be ok, given that I was President and married to a certified "scrotum-shrinker". Unfortunately, it turns out that such activity was banned under our wedding vows. According to Hillary, that mistake is now my responsibility. Although millions of my wife's supporters wish I would just shut up, I do want to say one other thing: over the thirty years of my marriage, I have been faithful for many long stretches (months if not occasionally years).

George W. Bush
: Recently, I consulted my Vice-President on issues of national security. On his advice, I followed a series of policies that he thought would would be good for me, my party and the US. Unfortunately, these plans turned out to be disastrous for all three. According to the rules of history, those mistakes are now my responsibility. While I have been advised to stay quiet until my book deal is signed, I do want to note one thing: I think a serious review of our records will reveal that I was a way better President than Millard Filmore and almost as good as that guy who caught pneumonia at his Inauguration and died after less than 3 months in office.

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