Monday, February 20, 2012

Gingrich Vows to Stay In Until the End

Atlanta, GA -- Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, slipping badly in the polls, vowed to stay in the race until the Republican Convention in Tampa. "People have been saying I am finished, but just like a sexually transmitted disease I always have a found a way to come back, " said the former Congressman. "Look, this great country was founded by fat, old white men with an inflated sense of their own importance," he went on. Asked about the fact that twice as many people have an unfavorable view of him as have a favorable view, he was unfazed. "Look, Warren Harding was criticized for being an adulterer and being corrupt. But he managed to get elected in a landslide and sow the seeds for the Great Depression before dying in office. "

Monday, February 13, 2012

Santorum Plans New Voter Registration Drive

Washington, D.C. -- Sen. Rick Santorum, riding a new wave of popularity in GOP polls, today announced plans to register a new crop of young voters who he thinks may be a powerful force of support. Citing the unanimous view of the Republican Presidential contenders that life begins at conception, Santorum announced that he was launching a drive to register hundreds of frozen embryos currently stored in infertility clinic freezers. "Look," he noted, "in-vitro fetilization took off in the 1980's. Hundreds if not thousands of these American-conceived embryos are now at least 18 years old and deserve the full rights conferred by American citizenship." The senator dismissed arguments that the embryos were not sentient beings and had no knowledge upon which to cast a ballot. "Those criteria are irrelevant. They would easily eliminate much of the American electorate." Asked why he felt the embryos were a natural constituency for his campaign, Santorum elaborated, "I am clearly the most pro-life candidate. And if you are looking for a platform that would resonate with people frozen in the past, it is pretty clear I am your guy." In a related announcement, Karl Rove announced plans to organize a Super Pac for fetilized eggs called "Americans Ready to Divide".

Friday, February 3, 2012

Would A Pre-emptive Strike Keep Nuclear Weapons From Control By a Madman?

Washington, DC -- Administration officials are reportedly internally warring over the case for pre-emptive actions to prevent an imminent nuclear threat. According to recent intelligence, there is a small but real chance that within less than a year a large nuclear arsenal could fall into the hands of an unstable, megalomaniacal leader supported by religious fanatics. Critics of pre-emptive action however argue that a strike will only empower this leader in his fight against more moderate opponents. "Look," said one, "he employs his threats and bluster very shrewdly. His support is exceedingly weak and confined to a very narrow segment of the party who is threatened by progress and openness. Most of the country can't stand him. An attack will only confirm the paranoid fantasies of his supporters, and prevent him by being ousted over his failed policies." Others think the risk of the doomsday scenario is overblown. "Trust me," said a high-ranking official with a deep knowledge of the background facts, "there is 0% chance that Newt Gingrich will ever be President."

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Gingrich Soars in New Poll

Tampa, FL -- Results of a new Florida poll show a continuing surge of enthusiasm for the Republican Presidential candidacy of Newt Gingrich. According to the newly released Gingrich Poll, among likely U.S. voters named Newt Gingrich (n=1), the popularity of the former US House Speaker has reached stratospheric heights. According to the poll's respondent, "Only Newt really embodies the radical, transformational, transcendent, revolutionary change I am looking for. He frankly gives me shivers down my leg every time he talks." Continued the respondent, "I can understand why he's been married three times. I'D marry him if I had the chance." Mitt Romney and other Republican hopefuls fare poorly in the polls, cited by 100% of the respondents as being "insufficiently conservative"(Romney), "wacky" ("Ron Paul") and "not me" (Rick Santorum).

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Gingrich Proposal Shakes Up Race

Charleston, S.C. -- Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich startled the Republican campaign today by asking the American public to consider electing him to an "open Presidency." "The problem with the electorate," he noted, "is that the U.S. public wants the President all to themselves. Other countries aren't like that." Under the terms of an "open Presidency", Mr. Gingrich would be allowed to compete for the Presidency of other countries while serving as U.S. President. Mr. Gingrich denied that there was already "another country", although campaign rumors have noted him spending a suspicious amount of time with Moldova recently and some websites have posted what they claim at "mash notes" between Gingrich and Kyrgyzstan, praising the latter's "bodacious Tatars". Gingrich has apparently grown disenchanted with the American populace for not sufficiently recognizing his transformational brilliance and with its constant nagging to "just shut up and clean up all your crap."

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Weiner Steps Down to Enter Treatment

New York (AP) : Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner tearfully announced his resignation today, saying that he is entering treatment for being a prick. According to the Congressman’s office, upon stepping down he plans to enter the Donald Trump Clinic for Dicks and Douchebags. “Like many pricks, I had fooled myself into thinking that I could control being a prick. It wasn’t until I saw the pain it had inflicted on those close to me that I realized that being a prick had taken over my life. The desire to send pictures of one’s prick, I should have realized, is itself a sign of a prick out of control. With treatment I am optimistic that I can get back to being the normal asshole I was before I was elected.” Experts are divided on whether treatment is effective for pricks, especially in advanced stages. “In my experience,” said psychiatrist Emily Greenberg, “being a prick has been essential to these men’s success as tort lawyers or cable talk-show hosts. You might dampen some of the most egregious behavior but it is exceedingly difficult to return them to being normal empathetic human beings.” More and more pricks, however, seem willing to try treatment, perhaps because some like John Edwards have ended up seeing their bad behavior prosecuted as a crime. According to Edward’s attorney, though, this is a dangerous trend. “Being a worthless human being and world-class prick may be despicable, but it is not a crime. Our jails are not large enough to handle all the pricks we have, especially in cities like Washington, D.C.”

Monday, February 14, 2011

Egypt's Revolution Has Other Aging Autocrats Anxious

Cairo -- The suddenness and sweep of the people's revolution in Egypt has unsettled many other autocratic regimes across the world. Despite a long entrenched power structure, tight control of all communication, an elaborate system of patronage and decades of abuse and cover-up, the aging Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak was no match for a people who longed to be brought into the modern world and were no longer intimidated by their leaders' dire warnings about the dangers of greater freedom, equal rights for women, or change in general.
Meanwhile in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI warned his Catholic followers, "Don't get any smart ideas."