Auto Industry Plans New Incentives

The US auto industry, working with Democratic supporters in Congress, is developing a series of new incentives to try to lure reluctant car-buyers back to the showrooms. Auto sales have fallen off a cliff during the recent slowdown, but automakers hope the following new offerings will help boost sales:

The Yes We Can package: Buy a new 2009 Toyota Prius and get your picture taken with the new President-elect. Note: depending on travel schedule, White House reserves option of substituting Joe Biden or Rahm Emanuel. Car comes pre-equipped with "1-20-09: End of an Error" bumpersticker and with XM radio pretuned to Tavis Smiley and "Democracy Now".

The Testosterone package: You no longer need a Hummer to make up for feelngs of masculine inadequacy. Each 2009 Chrysler 300 comes with 3 UAW "enforcers" who will ride with you where-ever you go. Their scowling visages will sends a clear message to nearby drivers that you are not a man to mess with.

The Home and Hearth package -- The first 5000 buyers of a 2009 Town and Country minivan will get their pick of any foreclosed properties within a 100 mile radius. Added advantage -- the easy fold-down seats in the Town and Country make this minivan a comfy and roomy shelter should the previous property owners manage to work out that refinancing deal with their bank .

The Bringing Home the Bacon package -- Reluctant to buy a car because you just got laid off? No worries! Buy a new 2009 Chevy Malibu and get a free 2 year lease on a cubicle at a vacant office park. Comes with free phone, parking, and a realistic looking packet of monthly pay-stubs from "Dynotechnitron Industries". Your family will be none the wiser as you head off to your new "job" each morning in your slick new ride.

The "Millenial" Package: Convinced that the election of a black President and the stock-market collapse are a sign of the "end times"? Why not await The Rapture in comfort in your new 2009 Ford F-150 King Ranch pickup. The new RCA DVD system will allow you to view the unmasking of the anti-Christ while safely protected from God's wrath by the double laminated windows. Drown out the screams of eternal torment from unbelievers with the premium Dolby sound system. Added bonus: just like your underwear, those car payments get left behind on earth as you make your heavenly ascent.