Police Blotter -- Arlington -- Week of February 6th-12th
Feb 6th -- Outside Pentagon City Mall -- Packs of feral youth reported roaming in search of Internet access. They corner a middle-aged government contractor in thigh deep snow and wrestle away his I-phone to log onto LOLCats.com. Man escapes with minor injuries and $30 in texting charges.
Feb. 7th -- N. Monroe St. -- Man walking his Labrador assaulted by homeowner who claims that Arlington County ordinance requires the pet owner to "bag and dispose of" the 3 foot circle of yellow snow left by the dog.
Feb. 8th -- N. Irving St. -- EMTs respond to call for "acute cholesterol overload". College student had been without power for 3 days and living entirely on supply of defrosting Hot-Pockets which he was grilling in his fireplace.
Feb. 9th -- S. 23d St. -- Police called to bar to break up altercation. A 28 y.o. white male from Arlington assaulted a 33 .o. white male visitor from N. Dakota after the visitor had, for the 28th time in 4 days, turned to a fellow patron and said, "You know what they call weather like this in North Dakota? A heat spell. Ha, ha, ha. " Visitor booked for "incitement."
Feb. 10th -- Suicide hotline receives call from despondent Federal worker in Lee Heights who is depressed to learn he was not considered "essential" despite being Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Associate Undersecretary for Legislative Liaisons in Department of Agriculture. Man threatens to throw himself in front of Metro train before being informed that Metro is not running aboveground in his neighborhood. Counselors advise man of the closest underground station where Metro service is available.
Feb 11th -- Police responding to domestic disturbance find 51 y.o. male in psychotic episode induced by watching "The View" for 4th consecutive day. Man revived with DVD of "The Hangover" and released.
Feb. 12th -- Cherrydale neighborhood -- Police receive calls about "protection racket" in which a man calling himself "Frank" would approach homeowners saying "That is a beautiful parking space you have shoveled out. It would be a shame if something should happen to it." Homeowners who declined to pay "snow insurance" reported awaking to find that a Bobcat frontloader had deposited several feet of snow in the space overnight. Suspect is a white middle-aged male in a long wool overcoat with a New Jersey accent.