Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Tearful Admission of Performance Enhancing Drug Use

Dallas -- One day after slugger Mark McGwire tearfully admitted to using steroids, another confession concerning performance-altering drug use rocked the political world. In a long and rambling interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace, former President George W. Bush admitted that he had been under the influence of "Conservative Hatred for Effective Nonpartisan Intervention" (also known as CHENIs) throughout his 8 year administration. "It is now time to come clean and admit what many have long suspected. Throughout my eight years as President I regularly used CHENIs. I sincerely apologize to the public, I am sorry I ever took CHENI and I wish I had never governed in the CHENI era." Viewers had long suspected that CHENI use was at the root of the Presidents record-breaking string of policy failures, but to date Bush had claimed he achieved his failures without outside help -- going so far as to answer critics with a pointed "I'm the decider." Despite his admissions, the President stopped short of admitting that he could not have failed as badly without the assistance of CHENI. "Look, I first started relying on them when I thought I needed some strength after 9/11. But I screwed up while I was taking CHENIs and I screwed up when I was off them. CHENIs alone don't give you the lack of skills necessary to be one of the worst Presidents. That requires the monumental incuriosity, relying on "gut" decisions vs. thoughtfulness, and a stubborn refusal to acknowledge the failings of your loyal allies." Bush pointed out that one of his most famous domestic failures -- the post-Katrina response --had no relation to to CHENI use. Still, critics were only partially mollified. "I am glad he is trying to put this behind him," noted the NY Times' Frank Rich. "But I think he will always have an asterisk next to his name when the list of the worst executives is made up. There is no question CHENI use helped him launch an unnecessary war, keep an incompetent Defense Secretary, alienate allies, condone torture and push through harmful tax cuts. I think there he certainly could have been a pretty bad President without CHENI but we will never know if he could have achieved his monumental failures all on his own. The legacy of Millard Fillmore is still safe."

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