Gingrich Soars in New Poll

Tampa, FL -- Results of a new Florida poll show a continuing surge of enthusiasm for the Republican Presidential candidacy of Newt Gingrich. According to the newly released Gingrich Poll, among likely U.S. voters named Newt Gingrich (n=1), the popularity of the former US House Speaker has reached stratospheric heights. According to the poll's respondent, "Only Newt really embodies the radical, transformational, transcendent, revolutionary change I am looking for. He frankly gives me shivers down my leg every time he talks." Continued the respondent, "I can understand why he's been married three times. I'D marry him if I had the chance." Mitt Romney and other Republican hopefuls fare poorly in the polls, cited by 100% of the respondents as being "insufficiently conservative"(Romney), "wacky" ("Ron Paul") and "not me" (Rick Santorum).

Gingrich Proposal Shakes Up Race

Charleston, S.C. -- Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich startled the Republican campaign today by asking the American public to consider electing him to an "open Presidency." "The problem with the electorate," he noted, "is that the U.S. public wants the President all to themselves. Other countries aren't like that." Under the terms of an "open Presidency", Mr. Gingrich would be allowed to compete for the Presidency of other countries while serving as U.S. President. Mr. Gingrich denied that there was already "another country", although campaign rumors have noted him spending a suspicious amount of time with Moldova recently and some websites have posted what they claim at "mash notes" between Gingrich and Kyrgyzstan, praising the latter's "bodacious Tatars". Gingrich has apparently grown disenchanted with the American populace for not sufficiently recognizing his transformational brilliance and with its constant nagging to "just shut up and clean up all your crap."