The Boy Who Cried "No Wolf!"

Once there was an Innkeeper who had been elected as Mayor of his small village. One day a villager reported to him that one of his sheep had been killed by a wolf. “We don’t have wolves,” said the Mayor. “They are in the village next door but I shut that all down,” and he went back to tweeting.

The next day a different farmer reported that two of his sheep had been killed. “Well, maybe we have one wolf, but it will leave in a few days when it gets hot.” He put his son-in-law in charge of wolf patrols. 

On the third day, farmers reported that they had found more dead sheep and asked the mayor to build a fence to protect the sheep. “We can’t let the cure be worse than the disease,”replied the Mayor. He sent out the village crier:  “Great wolf hoax! Overall sheep deaths unchanged from last year’s brucellosis outbreak!”

By the next week, farmers notices that half of their flock was missing, and besieged the Mayor at his town meeting. “This is only because we do such a good job counting sheep,” said the Mayor.  “Nobody does as good a job as us. If we stopped counting our sheep so often, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

Gradually, all the farmers moved to the village next door, leaving only the Mayor and a few remaining supporters. One day, while walking the road, the Mayor encountered a hungry pack of wolves. “Help, wolves, wolves!” shouted the mayor.  His cries drifted down to the Tavern owner, who was lunching with the Mayor’s children. “Isn’t that ridiculous," said the Tavern owner. “Everyone knows we don’t have wolves in our village,” and they all chuckled. 

The wolves happily devoured the Mayor, whose body was plump and juicy. “It’s a good thing for us that his only exercise was riding a golf cart,” remarked the pack leader, and the wolves howled with laughter.

Moral:  You may be able to fool some of the people all of the time, or all of the people some of the time, but eventually even simple village folk can recognize an idiot. 

 

FDA revised rules for expedited approval

Washington -- The FDA announced today that it was expanding its list of surrogate endpoints which can be accepted as evidence for expedited approval of therapeutic drugs.  The new rules can make it easier and quicker for drug companies to get a drug approved but have been criticized since surrogate endpoints, such as viral load or tumor growth, are not always a reliable measure of a drugs effectiveness.  FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn today announced the inclusion of a new surrogate "A very smart guy has a good feeling about it."  The change seems to have been instigated after the Friday news conference where President Trump touted the possible benefits of chloroquine, which has not yet gotten FDA approval for treating COVID 19.   Dr. Hahn made clear that although the proposed rule was still in the comment period the standard would be rigorously applied.  "It can't be just any guy. It has to be someone who in their own opinion is very smart."  Further more, he noted "They either have to "have a good feeling" about it or believe it could be a 'game-changer.'   Just being 'hopeful' or 'eagerly awaiting trial results' is not sufficient, he said.  Comments on the proposed rule made clear that many in scientific community had questions about the standard for demonstrating that the person in question knows anything about science or medicine.  "What if it is demonstrably clear that the guy in question is a fucking idiot?",  asked one pharmacologist.

Pickup Lines for the COVID-19 Era

Pickup lines for the COVID 19 era:

1. Come here often? Really, even now? What are you, a f***ing sociopath?
2. You have the most beautiful eyes. Could you lower your N95 mask a little so I can make sure you aren't my roommate's girlfriend.
3. If I told you you have an amazing body, would you hold it a safe 6 feet away from me?
4. Is it hot in here or is it just you? Oh wait, I really do have a fever. Goddam it!
5. I hope they don't run out of ventilators cause baby, you leave me breathless.
6. COVID 19 has an R factor of 2.0 but I'd say you have an mmmmm factor of 10!
7. FDA has approved remdesivir for "compassionate use" but did you know they approved me for "passionate use"? 
8. Let's go shelter in my place so I can put on some personal protective equipment.
9. Excuse me while I put down my face shield cause you are DAZZLING!
10.  Well, I sure hope nobody is trying to flatten your curves. 
11. Are you administering those coronavirus tests, because you already have my tongue hanging out.
12. Actually I'm a writer.  Maybe you know my novel "Coronavirus"?
13. Hey, do you have any idea where I can go to get tested for COVID-19.  No, really, I am not hitting on you, I'm serious. I really feel like shit. 

Trump Holds Conference After CDC Visit

ATLANTA:

President Trump:  Let me say how glad I am to be here with these great scientists. Let me say they were surprised at how quickly I understood complicated concepts like “replication rates” and “total cluster-fuck”.  I think I could have been a great scientist -- My uncle Fred Trump was a brilliant scientist at MIT and he used to say to me,  “Donny, you are so much smarter than me, you will probably be the one to cure cancer.”  He was probably right but I decided I could do more for humanity by building luxury hotels.  But who knows? Maybe when (if?) I leave the White House I will give it a try, who knows?

The reason I would make a good scientist is that I know how to trust my gut.  Some people say that the key to science is the scientific method of carefully testing hypotheses with experimentation, but that takes years and is for losers.  All the great scientists like Einstein, and Pasteur – they trusted their guts.  People told Pasteur there is no way you can homogenize milk, the cream will always float to the top but he trusted his gut and now you don’t need to shake it up unless you buy it in some hippie co-op.  

So the scientists here were really excited to hear my thoughts on how to continue winning against coronavirus.  First, mosquitos are a big problem, they cause malaria which is why I don’t allow them on my property.  So I have told the EPA to relicense DDT so we can knock the hell out of mosquitos. Also, my MAGA hats are now impregnated in DEET which will protect you against coronavirus- bearing mosquitos. 

Second, ignore hysteria about the risk of crowds  The following events are definitively safe from coronavirus: NASCAR, MAGA rallies, and traditional Vegas shows. This is because the virus cannot grow in the presence of red-blooded American testosterone. You may however be at risk at classical music concerts, movies starring that loser Meryl Streep, Bernie rallies, and fairy fests like ComiCon.  

Third, stop talking so much about coronavirus!.  Coronovirus is spreading fastest in places where they are stupidly publicizing high numbers.  That is because the virus is encouraged by a sense it is winning.  Just like Sleepy Joe Biden after the S. Carolina primary.  That is why I was tough on that lady scientist who stupidly said we need to take steps to prepare for it.  That is just the wrong attitude that encourages the virus.  The secret to preventing spread is keeping the numbers low, so do not get tested.  Since there is no treatment, what is the point in worrying yourself.  In addition, I have instructed CDC to start removing from the official infection tally any cases that are “Not Our Fault”. This includes any caught by travelling to another country or hanging out with foreigners, those caught on a cruise ship, and those in states that voted for crooked Hillary Clinton.  This has allowed CDC to keep the numbers down in the low teens, which means the risk for further spread to important states like Texas or Alabama is extremely low.  

Some of you are concerned by shortages of hand sanitizer, masks and protective equipment for doctors and nurses.  On the internet you can find many recipes for making hand sanitizer at home – my favorite is one part gasoline, one part bronzer, and one part diet Coke. 

We are working very quickly on a vaccine.  I expect it any day now, though that smart guy Tony Fauci keeps explaining it will take longer but he has never worked in business, just spent all his life at NIH.  It appears my initial brilliant idea of using the influenza vaccine is not going to work because “influenza” and “coronavirus” do not induce “cross-immunogenicity” which is another way of saying they have too many different letters.  But vaccines against “cholera” or “trachoma” should work much better because they are only missing an “n” thus are basically the same thing.  

Finally, go out and invest in the stock market. This episode will be very good for business as people stock up on necessary supplies such as toilet paper, bottled water, ammunition, freeze-dried food and batteries.  School closures will help our farmers because their kids can help with the harvest just like the old days, and people will have to sew their clothes instead of buying crap from China.  

So as you can see, everything is perfect, which is why the crying Democrats are so upset because they can see that voters are going to re-elect me in a landslide due to how perfectly we are handling everything.  My latest chief of staff will be happy to take questions. 

Gingrich Vows to Stay In Until the End

Atlanta, GA -- Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, slipping badly in the polls, vowed to stay in the race until the Republican Convention in Tampa. "People have been saying I am finished, but just like a sexually transmitted disease I always have a found a way to come back, " said the former Congressman. "Look, this great country was founded by fat, old white men with an inflated sense of their own importance," he went on. Asked about the fact that twice as many people have an unfavorable view of him as have a favorable view, he was unfazed. "Look, Warren Harding was criticized for being an adulterer and being corrupt. But he managed to get elected in a landslide and sow the seeds for the Great Depression before dying in office. "

Santorum Plans New Voter Registration Drive

Washington, D.C. -- Sen. Rick Santorum, riding a new wave of popularity in GOP polls, today announced plans to register a new crop of young voters who he thinks may be a powerful force of support. Citing the unanimous view of the Republican Presidential contenders that life begins at conception, Santorum announced that he was launching a drive to register hundreds of frozen embryos currently stored in infertility clinic freezers. "Look," he noted, "in-vitro fetilization took off in the 1980's. Hundreds if not thousands of these American-conceived embryos are now at least 18 years old and deserve the full rights conferred by American citizenship." The senator dismissed arguments that the embryos were not sentient beings and had no knowledge upon which to cast a ballot. "Those criteria are irrelevant. They would easily eliminate much of the American electorate." Asked why he felt the embryos were a natural constituency for his campaign, Santorum elaborated, "I am clearly the most pro-life candidate. And if you are looking for a platform that would resonate with people frozen in the past, it is pretty clear I am your guy." In a related announcement, Karl Rove announced plans to organize a Super Pac for fetilized eggs called "Americans Ready to Divide".

Would A Pre-emptive Strike Keep Nuclear Weapons From Control By a Madman?

Washington, DC -- Administration officials are reportedly internally warring over the case for pre-emptive actions to prevent an imminent nuclear threat. According to recent intelligence, there is a small but real chance that within less than a year a large nuclear arsenal could fall into the hands of an unstable, megalomaniacal leader supported by religious fanatics. Critics of pre-emptive action however argue that a strike will only empower this leader in his fight against more moderate opponents. "Look," said one, "he employs his threats and bluster very shrewdly. His support is exceedingly weak and confined to a very narrow segment of the party who is threatened by progress and openness. Most of the country can't stand him. An attack will only confirm the paranoid fantasies of his supporters, and prevent him by being ousted over his failed policies." Others think the risk of the doomsday scenario is overblown. "Trust me," said a high-ranking official with a deep knowledge of the background facts, "there is 0% chance that Newt Gingrich will ever be President."

Gingrich Soars in New Poll

Tampa, FL -- Results of a new Florida poll show a continuing surge of enthusiasm for the Republican Presidential candidacy of Newt Gingrich. According to the newly released Gingrich Poll, among likely U.S. voters named Newt Gingrich (n=1), the popularity of the former US House Speaker has reached stratospheric heights. According to the poll's respondent, "Only Newt really embodies the radical, transformational, transcendent, revolutionary change I am looking for. He frankly gives me shivers down my leg every time he talks." Continued the respondent, "I can understand why he's been married three times. I'D marry him if I had the chance." Mitt Romney and other Republican hopefuls fare poorly in the polls, cited by 100% of the respondents as being "insufficiently conservative"(Romney), "wacky" ("Ron Paul") and "not me" (Rick Santorum).

Gingrich Proposal Shakes Up Race

Charleston, S.C. -- Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich startled the Republican campaign today by asking the American public to consider electing him to an "open Presidency." "The problem with the electorate," he noted, "is that the U.S. public wants the President all to themselves. Other countries aren't like that." Under the terms of an "open Presidency", Mr. Gingrich would be allowed to compete for the Presidency of other countries while serving as U.S. President. Mr. Gingrich denied that there was already "another country", although campaign rumors have noted him spending a suspicious amount of time with Moldova recently and some websites have posted what they claim at "mash notes" between Gingrich and Kyrgyzstan, praising the latter's "bodacious Tatars". Gingrich has apparently grown disenchanted with the American populace for not sufficiently recognizing his transformational brilliance and with its constant nagging to "just shut up and clean up all your crap."

Weiner Steps Down to Enter Treatment

New York (AP) : Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner tearfully announced his resignation today, saying that he is entering treatment for being a prick. According to the Congressman’s office, upon stepping down he plans to enter the Donald Trump Clinic for Dicks and Douchebags. “Like many pricks, I had fooled myself into thinking that I could control being a prick. It wasn’t until I saw the pain it had inflicted on those close to me that I realized that being a prick had taken over my life. The desire to send pictures of one’s prick, I should have realized, is itself a sign of a prick out of control. With treatment I am optimistic that I can get back to being the normal asshole I was before I was elected.” Experts are divided on whether treatment is effective for pricks, especially in advanced stages. “In my experience,” said psychiatrist Emily Greenberg, “being a prick has been essential to these men’s success as tort lawyers or cable talk-show hosts. You might dampen some of the most egregious behavior but it is exceedingly difficult to return them to being normal empathetic human beings.” More and more pricks, however, seem willing to try treatment, perhaps because some like John Edwards have ended up seeing their bad behavior prosecuted as a crime. According to Edward’s attorney, though, this is a dangerous trend. “Being a worthless human being and world-class prick may be despicable, but it is not a crime. Our jails are not large enough to handle all the pricks we have, especially in cities like Washington, D.C.”

Egypt's Revolution Has Other Aging Autocrats Anxious

Cairo -- The suddenness and sweep of the people's revolution in Egypt has unsettled many other autocratic regimes across the world. Despite a long entrenched power structure, tight control of all communication, an elaborate system of patronage and decades of abuse and cover-up, the aging Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak was no match for a people who longed to be brought into the modern world and were no longer intimidated by their leaders' dire warnings about the dangers of greater freedom, equal rights for women, or change in general.

Meanwhile in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI warned his Catholic followers, "Don't get any smart ideas."

Things I Noticed When Living Without a Blackberry

Last week I lost my Blackberry, forcing me back into the dark ages of when one had to find other things to do when walking, sitting or standing for more than 30 seconds. Among the new revelations of this contemplative period:

1. (At home) - Where are all these shoes in our living room coming from? OMG - Eli's home from college. I wonder when that happened?

2. (On Metro) - This trend of visible tattoos on women is not going to turn out well

3. (At work) - The person running this meeting looks vaguely familiar. Oh right - it's my boss.

4. (Looking at ads on Metro) -- It is so obvious that only the Boeing KC-X tanker meets all the needs of a next generation refueling tanker. Only someone who hates America would support a tanker without a centerline drogue refueling system.

5. (At breakfast) - I think that looks like Garrett behind all that hair (jealousy aside, he could use a haircut). And when did Laura get into such great shape? I better get more regular with my gym schedule (Frankly, I think Tipper lost respect for Al when his weight started ballooning).

6.(At movies) - The pre-preview ads are sure running a lot longer these days. But I sure am glad to know what FX has planned for their fall lineup.

7. (Walking to work) -- Hey, that's where that music I kept hearing has been coming from. It's birds singing! How crazy is that?

8. (Monday at work) - Did anyone really think those emails were so important they had to sent Saturday evening at 11 pm?

Republicans Decry Obama Response To Oil Spill

New Orleans -- Republicans attacked the Obama Administration reaction to the growing oil spill off of the Louisiana coast, attempting to liken it to the post-Katrina flooding in New Orleans and the botched response of the Bush Administration. "The callousness is sickening," said House minority leader Rep. John Boehner. "Every day they are letting thousands of innocent barrels of oil just drown off the coast. This shouldn't happen in the richest country in the world." Chimed in Newt Gingrich, "I know the left-wing media won't say it, but President Obama doesn't care about black liquids." Talk show host Rush Limbaugh urged listeners to take to the seas to form a human rescue brigade. "It is clear the Federal government is only concerned about liberal constituencies like wetlands and oysters. But with your boats, you can rescue that oil and give it a decent home in an American fossil-fuel- burning machine. It will be just like the evacuation at Dunkirk. 'But Rush," you ask, "there are millions of barrels in that spill. What difference can rescuing a few barrels of oil make?' I'll tell you what -- it matters to those barrels of oil,"said Limbaugh. In a related story, a group of Brown Pelicans released a statement in response to Limbaugh's comment that the spill might have been caused by environmental terrorists and that people shouldn't worry it since nature will take care of it. "We are out there fishing everyday for a living so we don't really know much about this guy Limbaugh," said one pelican, wiping oil off his left wing. "But he sure sounds like a drug-addled douche-bag. "

McDonnell Clarifies Proclamation

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell apologized today for neglecting to mention slavery as part of the state history in his proclamation celebrating Confederate History month. "The failure to include any reference to slavery was a mistake, and for that I apologize to any fellow Virginian who has been offended or disappointed," McDonnell wrote in a statement.. After sustained criticism of his initial defense that slavery was not an important factor in the Civil War, he added a clause to the proclamation that declares slavery "led to this war and was an evil and inhumane practice." However, he noted, we should not forget that without slavery we might never have had the Blues, jazz, the Rolling Stones, or hushpuppies.

The Governor also took time to clarify another proclamation. He noted that his declaration of February as "Japanese Air Force History Month " should have also probably mentioned events of December 1941 along with the "proud dedication of so many pilots who gave their lives in pursuit of their profession." In a related item, German Chancellor Angela Merckel encouraged tourists to visit Germany for a celebration of "Aryan Heritage Month" to recall the many interesting historical sites connected to that country's identification with their proud Aryan Heritage. "This is especially true of the exciting period of the 1940's when Germany struggled for independence, local control and freedom from big government."

What To Expect From Health Reform

Many provisions of the newly enacted healthcare reform will take place gradually over the next 5 years. Here is a guide to the changes we can expect to see as health reform is gradually instituted:

1. 2011 -- Republican Congressmen Joe "You Lie" Wilson and Randy "Baby Killer" Neugebauer become supporters when they learn that they can't be denied coverage due to pre-existing Tourette's Syndrome.

2. 2012 -- American insurance companies, forbidden from developing innovative new excuses to deny coverage, move to less regulated markets in India. Consumer complaints increase over denials of coverage for pre-existing Karma.

3. 2013 -- Rush Limbaugh fulfills his threat to leave the country if health reform passes. He moves to the last remaining bastion of free-market medicine, China, where he develops lead poisoning from counterfeit Oxy-Contin. He launches Chinese radio show warning that Premier Hu Jintao is turning the country into a Communist state.

4. 2014 -- Employees with good health coverage begin voluntarily dropping insurance. "Having insurance no longer feels special now that anyone can get it," complains Mary Anderson. "It's like espresso -- when you could only get it in Europe, it tasted pretty great but now that it's on every corner you realize it is just a really small, expensive cup of coffee. "

5. 2018 -- The new tax on "Cadillac" insurance plans goes into effect, forcing everyone to ask -- "What's a Cadillac?". Legislators revise wording to "Lexus insurance plans."

6. Young adults, freed from worry over uninsured medical expenses, begin to binge drink and engage in risky sex with multiple partners.

Hockey Team Deals With Canadian Trash Talking

Vancouver -- The highly anticipated rematch between the U.S. and Canadian hockey teams has brought out a rarely seen competetive fire among the host country's fans. Americans were surprised to read in the New York Times that American goalie Ryan Miller had experienced "trash talking" of the local fans, although he noted that, being Canada it was "polite". Here we repeat the most frequent taunts tossed by Canadians at visiting Olympians.

Bode Miller -- "Hey Bode, say hi to your wife for me. I've never met her but she seems like a nice lady."

Lindsey Vonn -- "Hey Lindsey, too bad you hurt your shin. Our national health care system would take care of that for free -- if you were Canadian."

Chad Hedrick - "Hey Chad, you wife's weight is in the healthy range for her height but I don't think she is getting sufficient fiber in her diet."

Johnny Weir -- "Hey Weir, here in Canada you could get married."

Ryan Miller -- "Goalie, if we play up to our potential, Canada has a good chance of scoring

some goals against you."

Apollo Ohno -- "Hey, Ohno, shouldn't it be 'Oh-yes'?"

Shaun White -- "Shaun, we would gladly worship you as a God except we are a secular country."

White House Visit Looks Likely for Shaun White

After winning his second gold medal in the half-pipe, snowboard phenomenon Shaun White told Bob Costas he really hopes he'll get an invitation to meet the President at the White House. Although that word will probably half to wait until the Vancouver Olympics are concluded, early signals suggest that snowboarding has captured the White House consciousness. Speaking to House Democrats late last week, President Obama told them now was the time to keep up the fight for healthcare reform. "I didn't come to Washington to play it safe. I came to put down these great tricks I have been working on. Passing healthcare reform is the savvy thing to do, it's the saucy thing to do. Let's go big and stomp it. "

Snow and Power Outages Fray Patience

Police Blotter -- Arlington -- Week of February 6th-12th

Feb 6th -- Outside Pentagon City Mall -- Packs of feral youth reported roaming in search of Internet access. They corner a middle-aged government contractor in thigh deep snow and wrestle away his I-phone to log onto LOLCats.com. Man escapes with minor injuries and $30 in texting charges.

Feb. 7th -- N. Monroe St. -- Man walking his Labrador assaulted by homeowner who claims that Arlington County ordinance requires the pet owner to "bag and dispose of" the 3 foot circle of yellow snow left by the dog.

Feb. 8th -- N. Irving St. -- EMTs respond to call for "acute cholesterol overload". College student had been without power for 3 days and living entirely on supply of defrosting Hot-Pockets which he was grilling in his fireplace.

Feb. 9th -- S. 23d St. -- Police called to bar to break up altercation. A 28 y.o. white male from Arlington assaulted a 33 .o. white male visitor from N. Dakota after the visitor had, for the 28th time in 4 days, turned to a fellow patron and said, "You know what they call weather like this in North Dakota? A heat spell. Ha, ha, ha. " Visitor booked for "incitement."

Feb. 10th -- Suicide hotline receives call from despondent Federal worker in Lee Heights who is depressed to learn he was not considered "essential" despite being Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Associate Undersecretary for Legislative Liaisons in Department of Agriculture. Man threatens to throw himself in front of Metro train before being informed that Metro is not running aboveground in his neighborhood. Counselors advise man of the closest underground station where Metro service is available.

Feb 11th -- Police responding to domestic disturbance find 51 y.o. male in psychotic episode induced by watching "The View" for 4th consecutive day. Man revived with DVD of "The Hangover" and released.

Feb. 12th -- Cherrydale neighborhood -- Police receive calls about "protection racket" in which a man calling himself "Frank" would approach homeowners saying "That is a beautiful parking space you have shoveled out. It would be a shame if something should happen to it." Homeowners who declined to pay "snow insurance" reported awaking to find that a Bobcat frontloader had deposited several feet of snow in the space overnight. Suspect is a white middle-aged male in a long wool overcoat with a New Jersey accent.

DC Area Gets Resourceful In Storm Aftermath

Washington, DC: The snow storms battering the area, and the accompanying loss of power and Internet access for many households, have forced area residents to come up with resourceful new solutions to old problems. We offer below some of the most innovative suggestions from our readers:

1. Billy T, Arlington: I was really bummed that I couldn't get on Facebook to keep up with my friends. But when I was out shoveling, I realized there were a bunch of kids my age on our block. We spent time doing the kind of stuff we could do on Facebook -- making snarky comments, updating our status, "poking" each other, etc. I can't wait until I can get back on Facebook so we can become real Friends.

2. Jimmy K, Springfield, VA. I am a huge fan of Call of Duty so I didn't know what to do when we lost power. But some friends and I realized you could press snow into little round balls and use them just like bullets or mortars. We also could build "forts" for protection. It's not quite as exciting without the simulated blood and reloading is more time-consuming but it actually didn't suck as much as I thought when my Mom suggested it.

3. Donna L. Friendship Heights We couldn't get on the Web for 4 days when Comcast was out. But a friend brought back a "magazine" from the supermarket -- it had a lot of the same information I used to get on the Web -- celebrity gossip, movie reviews, recipes -- and I didn't need to log in. I just can't believe they expect you to pay money for it. Crazy!

4. Bob K, College Park, MD: Without Internet, I couldn't get onto the live sex chats I usually subscribe to. Since I didn't have any power I had to head down to a local bar for some food. I was surprised to see there were real girls there I could talk to, and it cost me a lot less per minute. But for some reason they didn't want to keep talking about how "hot" I was making them.

5. Debbie S, Takoma Park, MD: My Kindle died 8 hours into the storm, and I was almost finished with the latest John Grisham novel. But a neighbor said she knew someone with the analog version and got it for me (a "boook" is what I think they call it). It was too thick to fit in my handbag, and I couldn't adjust the backlight, but it worked reasonably well in a pinch. Maybe I could take it to the beach.

6. Donna L, Alexandria: I couldn't get to the gym for nearly a week. But I worked out a regimen that gave me a good workout for my lats, deltoids, biceps and core. You grab a snow shovel, bend over, pick up a load of snow with the shovel, then throw it over your right shoulder, then on the next pass you throw it over your left shoulder. You can really feel the burn after a while -- all it needed was some good loud disco music.

Obama Strikes Nuanced Tone in SOTU Address

My Fellow Americans:

The State of the Union is strong. And under dire threat. You are burdened with growing unemployment, foreclosures, Islamist terrorism, and the "entertainment" division of NBC. But never have I been so hopeful about the future of our country. And angry. Angry and hopeful, because I feel that you are angry. And I understand that anger, the kind of anger that arises when the bankers on Wall Street are taking home big bonuses to their trophy wives while the hardworking American taxpayer, whose tax dollars saved Wall Street from disaster, is fighting just to keep his home and can't even dream of trading up from his first wife since she is the only one who still has a job. But the American people did not elect me to point fingers. You elected me because I could correctly pronounce "nuclear"and because I had no discernible "Negro dialect."

But I understand your frustration. You wonder why politicians in Washington no longer seem able to tackle the important problems facing this country and enact common sense solutions. To ensure you have health care while reducing the role of government in your lives. To make sure everyone can afford to go to college WITHOUT adding to government spending. To keep us safe from people who set their underwear on fire AND to end the endless war on terror. For too long in Washington, the system has favored those who take only one side in these political arguments. The pundits award "points" to those argue that one policy is "better" than another, This is nothing but the tired old thinking of the past. I came to Washington to change those ways of doing business. To show that someone who was super smart and cooler in a suit than any man since Sam Cooke could cut through the arguments over small government vs. large government and instead understand that what we needed was a smallish large government. Or a largish small government. But just because now both the right and the left are united in opposing me doesn't mean I am going to be drawn into their old battles. I am going to continue to strive for the same kind of common sense solutions that you demand. Thus, I am proposing a 7 point plan:

1. I promise for every war I escalate I will wind down a different war.

2. We will confront unsustainable and wasteful cost of health care AND make sure nothing will impede your ability to get whatever test or treatment you, your 13 doctors, or your drug companies and device makers might think is best for you (or them).

3. We will recognize the need for fundamental reform to a dysfunctional health care system but make sure we don't change anything for those of you who are ok with things as they are.

4. One year ago everyone agreed that a massive stimulus plan was essential to avert another Depression. But now that the economy has gone from "life-support" to "critically ill" and my poll numbers are dropping, it is clear that we need to reign in government spending. But we will take care that we don't restrain it so much that we stop stimulating the economy. "Restrained stimulus", I call it.

5. We will not shy away from the critical need to stem global warming and to create a new generation of green jobs. But we understand that sensible offshore oil exploration is the best ways to keep fuel prices low enough so you can afford to drive your SUVs.

6. I have asked the military to end "don't ask don't tell" which treats our gay servicemen and women as second-class citizens. But I respect that gay marriage is also a threat to the "first class" status of our heterosexual population.

7. And finally, I will continue to reach out to Republicans, so that together we can find bipartisan solutions to all the problems that 8 years of disastrous Republican rule have left me.

These ideas aren't "Democrat" ideas or "Republican ideas" but "your ideas" -- and I know how smart and sensible you are because you elected me.

I know that times are hard for many Americans. For people like Mary Pesknecker in Allentown PA who wrote to tell me how her community has been devastated ever since the factory that once supplied "Truck Nuts" for the entire nation moved offshore for cheaper labor. Or John Suisham in Coral Beach, who lost his house to foreclosure and now must go down to the library to view on-line pornography. But I also know that America has never been a nation of quitters. We didn't quit in that cold winter in Valley Forge when General Washington said "Let's roll." The brave men of the US Army didn't turn back on the beaches of Normandy when they were met by a withering hail of German bullets. And we didn't quit when Paula left "Idol". So I say to my Democratic colleagues: We still have the largest majorities any party has had in 40 years. And the American people expect us to lead. To solve our problems. So let's get it done. Let's get it done. Call me when you are finished. God bless America.