Trump Holds Conference After CDC Visit

ATLANTA:

President Trump:  Let me say how glad I am to be here with these great scientists. Let me say they were surprised at how quickly I understood complicated concepts like “replication rates” and “total cluster-fuck”.  I think I could have been a great scientist -- My uncle Fred Trump was a brilliant scientist at MIT and he used to say to me,  “Donny, you are so much smarter than me, you will probably be the one to cure cancer.”  He was probably right but I decided I could do more for humanity by building luxury hotels.  But who knows? Maybe when (if?) I leave the White House I will give it a try, who knows?

The reason I would make a good scientist is that I know how to trust my gut.  Some people say that the key to science is the scientific method of carefully testing hypotheses with experimentation, but that takes years and is for losers.  All the great scientists like Einstein, and Pasteur – they trusted their guts.  People told Pasteur there is no way you can homogenize milk, the cream will always float to the top but he trusted his gut and now you don’t need to shake it up unless you buy it in some hippie co-op.  

So the scientists here were really excited to hear my thoughts on how to continue winning against coronavirus.  First, mosquitos are a big problem, they cause malaria which is why I don’t allow them on my property.  So I have told the EPA to relicense DDT so we can knock the hell out of mosquitos. Also, my MAGA hats are now impregnated in DEET which will protect you against coronavirus- bearing mosquitos. 

Second, ignore hysteria about the risk of crowds  The following events are definitively safe from coronavirus: NASCAR, MAGA rallies, and traditional Vegas shows. This is because the virus cannot grow in the presence of red-blooded American testosterone. You may however be at risk at classical music concerts, movies starring that loser Meryl Streep, Bernie rallies, and fairy fests like ComiCon.  

Third, stop talking so much about coronavirus!.  Coronovirus is spreading fastest in places where they are stupidly publicizing high numbers.  That is because the virus is encouraged by a sense it is winning.  Just like Sleepy Joe Biden after the S. Carolina primary.  That is why I was tough on that lady scientist who stupidly said we need to take steps to prepare for it.  That is just the wrong attitude that encourages the virus.  The secret to preventing spread is keeping the numbers low, so do not get tested.  Since there is no treatment, what is the point in worrying yourself.  In addition, I have instructed CDC to start removing from the official infection tally any cases that are “Not Our Fault”. This includes any caught by travelling to another country or hanging out with foreigners, those caught on a cruise ship, and those in states that voted for crooked Hillary Clinton.  This has allowed CDC to keep the numbers down in the low teens, which means the risk for further spread to important states like Texas or Alabama is extremely low.  

Some of you are concerned by shortages of hand sanitizer, masks and protective equipment for doctors and nurses.  On the internet you can find many recipes for making hand sanitizer at home – my favorite is one part gasoline, one part bronzer, and one part diet Coke. 

We are working very quickly on a vaccine.  I expect it any day now, though that smart guy Tony Fauci keeps explaining it will take longer but he has never worked in business, just spent all his life at NIH.  It appears my initial brilliant idea of using the influenza vaccine is not going to work because “influenza” and “coronavirus” do not induce “cross-immunogenicity” which is another way of saying they have too many different letters.  But vaccines against “cholera” or “trachoma” should work much better because they are only missing an “n” thus are basically the same thing.  

Finally, go out and invest in the stock market. This episode will be very good for business as people stock up on necessary supplies such as toilet paper, bottled water, ammunition, freeze-dried food and batteries.  School closures will help our farmers because their kids can help with the harvest just like the old days, and people will have to sew their clothes instead of buying crap from China.  

So as you can see, everything is perfect, which is why the crying Democrats are so upset because they can see that voters are going to re-elect me in a landslide due to how perfectly we are handling everything.  My latest chief of staff will be happy to take questions.