New McCain 6 Point Plan For Economic Recovery

Text of new McCain plan released today:

This is John McCain and I approve this message:
The recent economic downturn is causing regular Americans like yourself significant pain. Although the causes of this disaster are clear – my opponents vote for that $3 million overhead projector for the Chicago planetarium -- now is not the time to point fingers. Now is the time for real solutions like my 6-point plan for economic recovery:

1. Restore incentives for savings. A McCain administration will immediately begin awarding free toasters to anyone opening a new savings account with at least $100 (a blender for $200). To further spur economic activity, I will instruct Ben Bernanke to revive the S&H green stamp program, which, for every purchase, awards stamps that can be redeemed for really cool gifts, such as fondue pots and Lava lamps.
2. Win the war in Iraq. People who complain that Iraq is costing the US taxpayer $5 billion per week are applying the wrong calculation. They are omitting the fact that it has already cost us $500 billion. Therefore, if we win in Iraq, we can immediately move that $500 billion from the minus column into the plus column on our budget books. Result: a net improvement of $1 trillion in our overall budget picture.
3. Barack Obama needs to come clean about his pal Bill Ayers. Alright, I recognize this doesn't have anything to do with the economy but it really steams me up.
4. Stop greed. Under a McCain-Palin administration, greed will no longer be allowed on Wall Street. All CEOs will be required to sign a pledge not to be greedy. Their annual filings will have to attest, on pain of imprisonment, that any profits they made were absolutely necessary and that they did not try to increase profits just because they like money. Anyone found to have been greedy will be publicly flogged.
5. Expand savings opportunities for younger Americans -- Cindy and I save hundreds of dollars a year on the “early bird” discounts available to seniors for eating before 6 pm. We will make this available to Americans of all ages.
6. Promote sensible energy production -- Thousands of Americans are sitting atop valuable oil deposits but are deterred by taxes on oil profits. We will make “drill-your-own” kits available to any willing taxpayer, and suspend any royalty payments for two years on any new oil discoveries. Note: City dwellers should consult with their superintendent or coop board before beginning any drilling.

Remember, in scary times like this we can’t afford to entrust this country to people offering “new ideas” or “hope”. Now is the time for faith in the old familiar ideas that were good enough for your parents and their parents before them.