The Boy Who Cried "No Wolf!"

Once there was an Innkeeper who had been elected as Mayor of his small village. One day a villager reported to him that one of his sheep had been killed by a wolf. “We don’t have wolves,” said the Mayor. “They are in the village next door but I shut that all down,” and he went back to tweeting.

The next day a different farmer reported that two of his sheep had been killed. “Well, maybe we have one wolf, but it will leave in a few days when it gets hot.” He put his son-in-law in charge of wolf patrols. 

On the third day, farmers reported that they had found more dead sheep and asked the mayor to build a fence to protect the sheep. “We can’t let the cure be worse than the disease,”replied the Mayor. He sent out the village crier:  “Great wolf hoax! Overall sheep deaths unchanged from last year’s brucellosis outbreak!”

By the next week, farmers notices that half of their flock was missing, and besieged the Mayor at his town meeting. “This is only because we do such a good job counting sheep,” said the Mayor.  “Nobody does as good a job as us. If we stopped counting our sheep so often, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

Gradually, all the farmers moved to the village next door, leaving only the Mayor and a few remaining supporters. One day, while walking the road, the Mayor encountered a hungry pack of wolves. “Help, wolves, wolves!” shouted the mayor.  His cries drifted down to the Tavern owner, who was lunching with the Mayor’s children. “Isn’t that ridiculous," said the Tavern owner. “Everyone knows we don’t have wolves in our village,” and they all chuckled. 

The wolves happily devoured the Mayor, whose body was plump and juicy. “It’s a good thing for us that his only exercise was riding a golf cart,” remarked the pack leader, and the wolves howled with laughter.

Moral:  You may be able to fool some of the people all of the time, or all of the people some of the time, but eventually even simple village folk can recognize an idiot. 

 

FDA revised rules for expedited approval

Washington -- The FDA announced today that it was expanding its list of surrogate endpoints which can be accepted as evidence for expedited approval of therapeutic drugs.  The new rules can make it easier and quicker for drug companies to get a drug approved but have been criticized since surrogate endpoints, such as viral load or tumor growth, are not always a reliable measure of a drugs effectiveness.  FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn today announced the inclusion of a new surrogate "A very smart guy has a good feeling about it."  The change seems to have been instigated after the Friday news conference where President Trump touted the possible benefits of chloroquine, which has not yet gotten FDA approval for treating COVID 19.   Dr. Hahn made clear that although the proposed rule was still in the comment period the standard would be rigorously applied.  "It can't be just any guy. It has to be someone who in their own opinion is very smart."  Further more, he noted "They either have to "have a good feeling" about it or believe it could be a 'game-changer.'   Just being 'hopeful' or 'eagerly awaiting trial results' is not sufficient, he said.  Comments on the proposed rule made clear that many in scientific community had questions about the standard for demonstrating that the person in question knows anything about science or medicine.  "What if it is demonstrably clear that the guy in question is a fucking idiot?",  asked one pharmacologist.

Pickup Lines for the COVID-19 Era

Pickup lines for the COVID 19 era:

1. Come here often? Really, even now? What are you, a f***ing sociopath?
2. You have the most beautiful eyes. Could you lower your N95 mask a little so I can make sure you aren't my roommate's girlfriend.
3. If I told you you have an amazing body, would you hold it a safe 6 feet away from me?
4. Is it hot in here or is it just you? Oh wait, I really do have a fever. Goddam it!
5. I hope they don't run out of ventilators cause baby, you leave me breathless.
6. COVID 19 has an R factor of 2.0 but I'd say you have an mmmmm factor of 10!
7. FDA has approved remdesivir for "compassionate use" but did you know they approved me for "passionate use"? 
8. Let's go shelter in my place so I can put on some personal protective equipment.
9. Excuse me while I put down my face shield cause you are DAZZLING!
10.  Well, I sure hope nobody is trying to flatten your curves. 
11. Are you administering those coronavirus tests, because you already have my tongue hanging out.
12. Actually I'm a writer.  Maybe you know my novel "Coronavirus"?
13. Hey, do you have any idea where I can go to get tested for COVID-19.  No, really, I am not hitting on you, I'm serious. I really feel like shit. 

Trump Holds Conference After CDC Visit

ATLANTA:

President Trump:  Let me say how glad I am to be here with these great scientists. Let me say they were surprised at how quickly I understood complicated concepts like “replication rates” and “total cluster-fuck”.  I think I could have been a great scientist -- My uncle Fred Trump was a brilliant scientist at MIT and he used to say to me,  “Donny, you are so much smarter than me, you will probably be the one to cure cancer.”  He was probably right but I decided I could do more for humanity by building luxury hotels.  But who knows? Maybe when (if?) I leave the White House I will give it a try, who knows?

The reason I would make a good scientist is that I know how to trust my gut.  Some people say that the key to science is the scientific method of carefully testing hypotheses with experimentation, but that takes years and is for losers.  All the great scientists like Einstein, and Pasteur – they trusted their guts.  People told Pasteur there is no way you can homogenize milk, the cream will always float to the top but he trusted his gut and now you don’t need to shake it up unless you buy it in some hippie co-op.  

So the scientists here were really excited to hear my thoughts on how to continue winning against coronavirus.  First, mosquitos are a big problem, they cause malaria which is why I don’t allow them on my property.  So I have told the EPA to relicense DDT so we can knock the hell out of mosquitos. Also, my MAGA hats are now impregnated in DEET which will protect you against coronavirus- bearing mosquitos. 

Second, ignore hysteria about the risk of crowds  The following events are definitively safe from coronavirus: NASCAR, MAGA rallies, and traditional Vegas shows. This is because the virus cannot grow in the presence of red-blooded American testosterone. You may however be at risk at classical music concerts, movies starring that loser Meryl Streep, Bernie rallies, and fairy fests like ComiCon.  

Third, stop talking so much about coronavirus!.  Coronovirus is spreading fastest in places where they are stupidly publicizing high numbers.  That is because the virus is encouraged by a sense it is winning.  Just like Sleepy Joe Biden after the S. Carolina primary.  That is why I was tough on that lady scientist who stupidly said we need to take steps to prepare for it.  That is just the wrong attitude that encourages the virus.  The secret to preventing spread is keeping the numbers low, so do not get tested.  Since there is no treatment, what is the point in worrying yourself.  In addition, I have instructed CDC to start removing from the official infection tally any cases that are “Not Our Fault”. This includes any caught by travelling to another country or hanging out with foreigners, those caught on a cruise ship, and those in states that voted for crooked Hillary Clinton.  This has allowed CDC to keep the numbers down in the low teens, which means the risk for further spread to important states like Texas or Alabama is extremely low.  

Some of you are concerned by shortages of hand sanitizer, masks and protective equipment for doctors and nurses.  On the internet you can find many recipes for making hand sanitizer at home – my favorite is one part gasoline, one part bronzer, and one part diet Coke. 

We are working very quickly on a vaccine.  I expect it any day now, though that smart guy Tony Fauci keeps explaining it will take longer but he has never worked in business, just spent all his life at NIH.  It appears my initial brilliant idea of using the influenza vaccine is not going to work because “influenza” and “coronavirus” do not induce “cross-immunogenicity” which is another way of saying they have too many different letters.  But vaccines against “cholera” or “trachoma” should work much better because they are only missing an “n” thus are basically the same thing.  

Finally, go out and invest in the stock market. This episode will be very good for business as people stock up on necessary supplies such as toilet paper, bottled water, ammunition, freeze-dried food and batteries.  School closures will help our farmers because their kids can help with the harvest just like the old days, and people will have to sew their clothes instead of buying crap from China.  

So as you can see, everything is perfect, which is why the crying Democrats are so upset because they can see that voters are going to re-elect me in a landslide due to how perfectly we are handling everything.  My latest chief of staff will be happy to take questions. 

Gingrich Vows to Stay In Until the End

Atlanta, GA -- Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, slipping badly in the polls, vowed to stay in the race until the Republican Convention in Tampa. "People have been saying I am finished, but just like a sexually transmitted disease I always have a found a way to come back, " said the former Congressman. "Look, this great country was founded by fat, old white men with an inflated sense of their own importance," he went on. Asked about the fact that twice as many people have an unfavorable view of him as have a favorable view, he was unfazed. "Look, Warren Harding was criticized for being an adulterer and being corrupt. But he managed to get elected in a landslide and sow the seeds for the Great Depression before dying in office. "

Santorum Plans New Voter Registration Drive

Washington, D.C. -- Sen. Rick Santorum, riding a new wave of popularity in GOP polls, today announced plans to register a new crop of young voters who he thinks may be a powerful force of support. Citing the unanimous view of the Republican Presidential contenders that life begins at conception, Santorum announced that he was launching a drive to register hundreds of frozen embryos currently stored in infertility clinic freezers. "Look," he noted, "in-vitro fetilization took off in the 1980's. Hundreds if not thousands of these American-conceived embryos are now at least 18 years old and deserve the full rights conferred by American citizenship." The senator dismissed arguments that the embryos were not sentient beings and had no knowledge upon which to cast a ballot. "Those criteria are irrelevant. They would easily eliminate much of the American electorate." Asked why he felt the embryos were a natural constituency for his campaign, Santorum elaborated, "I am clearly the most pro-life candidate. And if you are looking for a platform that would resonate with people frozen in the past, it is pretty clear I am your guy." In a related announcement, Karl Rove announced plans to organize a Super Pac for fetilized eggs called "Americans Ready to Divide".

Would A Pre-emptive Strike Keep Nuclear Weapons From Control By a Madman?

Washington, DC -- Administration officials are reportedly internally warring over the case for pre-emptive actions to prevent an imminent nuclear threat. According to recent intelligence, there is a small but real chance that within less than a year a large nuclear arsenal could fall into the hands of an unstable, megalomaniacal leader supported by religious fanatics. Critics of pre-emptive action however argue that a strike will only empower this leader in his fight against more moderate opponents. "Look," said one, "he employs his threats and bluster very shrewdly. His support is exceedingly weak and confined to a very narrow segment of the party who is threatened by progress and openness. Most of the country can't stand him. An attack will only confirm the paranoid fantasies of his supporters, and prevent him by being ousted over his failed policies." Others think the risk of the doomsday scenario is overblown. "Trust me," said a high-ranking official with a deep knowledge of the background facts, "there is 0% chance that Newt Gingrich will ever be President."