Republicans Release Healthcare Bill of Rights

Hello. I am Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican Party. This summer I stopped spouting off crazy stuff long enough to conduct a series of conversations about healthcare with my fellow citizens. This led us to lay out a Republican set of principles, to contrast with the socialistic plan my homie President Obama has been proposing (Or "layin' down" , as we say in the hood).

1. The government shall not interfere in medical decisions, which should solely be determined in private discussions between a patient and his or her insurance company. Their highly trained staff (who have studied for months if not occasionally years) will know whether you really need that gallbladder surgery your doctor recommended or whether a dose of antacids will do just as well.

2. No decision is more sensitive than choosing what care we would want should we become incapacitated and no longer able to decide for ourselves. Such discussions should be conducted in privacy between family members and cable news shows. Painful decisions about when to withdraw care should be left to those closest to the affected patient, such as former Congressman Tom Delay and Republican members of Congress.

3. Individuals need to take more responsibility for their own health. People who are too poor to afford insurance should not get sick. And if you do have insurance, but have a costly condition such as cancer, for God's sake don't risk your job by skipping out all the time for yet another "chemotherapy" session. Hey, we'd all like an excuse to go sit in a nce big lounge chair for a few hours but work comes first.

4. America has the best and most innovative insurance companies in the world. They make huge investments discovering new ways to deny claims, discoveries which make them the envy of insurance companies the world over. Do we really want to risk our world leadership in this area with frivolous regulations on these companies, such as requiring them to use the premiums they collect to pay for actual health care for sick people?

5. Controlling costs will require that we all become more knowledgeable consumers of health care. Republican reform proposals will make it easier for you to comparison shop to choose that hospital which provides the best combination of price and quality (we have even developed an app for your I-phone you can consult during your ambulance ride). But don't forget to include the costs for OR suite, perfusionist and anesthesiologist when pricing out your bypass surgery.

6. Requiring insurance companies to compete against a publicly funded option is unfair. Such a plan would provide such inferior care that it would kill people right and left and it would be so popular that it would put private insurers out of business. Imagine if our best universities had to compete against government-funded colleges.

7. People who cite the fact that the U.S. ranks last amongst Western countries in infant mortality and life-expectancy are using statistics selectively. The American health care leads the world in numerous other areas: health care spending, drug prices, health care profits, number of uninsured and most important, political contributions from health care organizations. Do we really want to risk all that just so everyone has access to health care? Isn't the waiting room already full enough at the doctor's office?

I recall one conversation I had with a constituent. She told me her family had lost their health insurance when her husband got laid off, and she spends all her time praying her diabetic son doesn't get sick. Well, I think it is something to celebrate that this health care debate has brought us back to prayer, spending time with family and appreciating what is really important. God Bless!

Karl Rove Decries Iran Elections

Karl Rove weighed in yesterday to criticize the announced re-election for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as a "sham". "Here we have a world leader who portrays himself as just a 'regular guy' while pandering to the worst nationalistic and militaristic elements in his country," noted the former political strategist for George W. Bush. "His party criticizes the opposition as unpatriotic while appealing to the most extreme religious conservative elements, and urging rural voters to be suspicious of the educated, urban electorate. When questions are raised about the fairness of the election, rather than supporting a full and complete recount of all the votes, he proposes that a council of judges, many handpicked by the very same party, can decide the election. Why, this is the biggest mockery of democracy since ... whoops, never mind. "

In a further sign that there may have been major irregularities in the Iranian election, BBC reported that in Tehran, a hotbed of support for the opposition leader Mir Hussein Moussavi, a confusing ballot apparently led 15% of voters to cast their ballot for Ralph Nader.

World Warms to Susan Boyle Story

The story of Susan Boyle, a shy, frumpy resident of a small Scottish village who became an international sensation after her performance on a British televisions talent show spread across the Internet, continues to captivate the public in the UK and the US. The recent news that she had checked into a clinic citing "exhaustion" has further heartened American viewers. "It's so easy today to assume you have to be a beautiful celebrity to have your life ruined by media attention," said fan Cheryl Teesdale. "I used to dream of being Britney Spears, shaving my head, and having paparazzi stalk me in the grocery store but deep down I knew those dreams were out of my reach," said the overweight housewife from Trenton. "But Susan Boyle proved you don't have to be gorgeous for the media to invade your life so completely that you flip out. I think it is an inspiration for all us average people." Others in the media agreed. "I think the lesson of Susan Boyle," said one television executive, "is that anyone, no matter how old they are or where they live, as long as they really believe in their dream, can live to see that dream come true and then turned completely upside down and torn apart in front of millions of viewers. It is so damn heartwarming I almost tear up."

Republicans Tap Reagan Statue To Lead Party

In an unexpected shakeup, Republicans announced today that the bronze statue of Ronald Reagan, unveiled today in the Capitol, will replace gaffe-prone Michael Steele as head of the Republican Party. Since the election of President Obama, Republicans have searched unsuccessfully for a leader who can galvanize the party around a new message. Unfortunately, the message of Party Chairman Steele was often overshadowed by repeated gaffes brought on by his off-the-cuff style. He alternately criticized Rush Limbaugh, endorsed choice on abortion, then had to apologize for both, before denying global warming and likening Obama to Nixon. Republican insiders have grown uncomfortable as they watched Limbaugh and unpopular ex-Vice President Dick Cheney become de facto leaders of the party in the absence of a clearer message. "We are excited that Reagan has returned to lead the party," said one party insider, who spoke anonymously for fear of offending other Republican statues nearby in the Rotunda, including that of Teddy Roosevelt. "This statue embodies all the steadfast qualities we need in a leader -- and talk about gravitas -- he weighs 5 tons! " he noted. Another Republican noted, "The statue will continue what Reagan was so good at -- going over the heads of the media (literally) directly to the people." Other insiders speculated the statue may also be in line to replace Rep. John Boehner as minority leader of house Republicans. "For one thing," noted a fellow Congressman. "Reagan's statue has a more lifelike skin color than Rep. Boehner."

Ramirez Crafts New Style of Apology

Baseball star Manny Ramirez recent apology for using a banned substance introduced a new variant to the "famous person apology" library - a statement that mixes appearances of accepting responsibility while shifting blame. According to Manny:
Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.
We thought other public miscreants would have been well-served to adopt his technique:

John Edwards: Recently, I engaged a young woman to create videos for my campaign. She also provided additional services which she thought were ok to give me, since I was "totally hot". Unfortunately, this violated the policy of my wife Elizabeth against having other women bear my children. According to Oprah, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing -- for Chrissakes, I'm a TORT LAWYER. Do you think the only people I screw over are doctors and corporations?

Bernie Madoff: Over the past 10 years, I collected large sums of money from investors for a business proposition. I followed a plan that I believed would have been ok, provided the laws of mathematics and those of the SEC were repealed at the same time. Unfortunately, it turns out that people who invest money with an investment firm expect that money to be put into actual investments and not the Manhattan co-ops of the investment adviser. According to the judge, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing, however -- Lochaim!

Bill Clinton: Some time ago I consulted a zaftig young intern for a personal issue. We engaged in activity (not intercourse) that she thought would be ok, given that I was President and married to a certified "scrotum-shrinker". Unfortunately, it turns out that such activity was banned under our wedding vows. According to Hillary, that mistake is now my responsibility. Although millions of my wife's supporters wish I would just shut up, I do want to say one other thing: over the thirty years of my marriage, I have been faithful for many long stretches (months if not occasionally years).

George W. Bush: Recently, I consulted my Vice-President on issues of national security. On his advice, I followed a series of policies that he thought would would be good for me, my party and the US. Unfortunately, these plans turned out to be disastrous for all three. According to the rules of history, those mistakes are now my responsibility. While I have been advised to stay quiet until my book deal is signed, I do want to note one thing: I think a serious review of our records will reveal that I was a way better President than Millard Filmore and almost as good as that guy who caught pneumonia at his Inauguration and died after less than 3 months in office.

Twitter Launches Service for Seniors

The founders of the popular service Twitter have launched a new application aimed solely at seniors. Named Geezer, the service will allow older men and women to trade 140-character messages to stay in close touch with their family and people in their age group. "This is a great way for people to link to with others who share their world view, including those who know that Benny Goodman wasn't that banker indicted for mortgage securities fraud," said Geezer CEO Todd Franz. To show the many ways seniors are using this service, he let me look at a sample feed of exchanged messages (note: the user names have been altered to protect privacy):

Brklyn43 just felt that twinge again. The one in my arm when I raise it like this. I should take maybe some Advil but then I need to eat something and my stomach is not so good

JohnMPeters is looking for my glasses. I know I had them when I got up but they aren't in the bathroom or by my reading table. Maybe the kitchen. I was reading the paper

JoanOsborn saw a great movie last night with that young actress who is the daughter of that actress -- you know the one who was in that movie 5 years ago with that Woody Allen woman

MaryGreen'31 is STILL waiting for my kids to call. You would think that the odds that at least one out of 5 children would remember to call their mother on

PaulInPetersburg IS WONDERING WHY MY MESSAGES ALL COME OUT IN CAPS. Oh - never mind

MaryGreen'31 thinks they should not count spaces among the 140 characters. And is STILL WAITING for one of my kids to call.

ArtyinPhilly would like to order a pastrami sandwich. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

JoanOsborn remembers it was Goldie Hawn with the Woody Allen lady - not Mia Farrow, the earlier one -- anyway her daughter Kate Something was very funny in the movie last night

PalmSprings222 wants those damn kids to get off his lawn like I told them to yesterday.

JohnMPeters found his glasses and remembered I needed them to find my car keys. I always put them by the door but they are not there. Maybe on my dresser.

White House Releases New Classification Scheme for Recessions

Before departing office, President George W. Bush characterized the slumping economy as "Wall Street got drunk ... and now it's got a hangover." Recognizing that a "hangover" may not sufficiently capture our dire economic situation, the White House Council of Economic Advisors has released official colloquial descriptions to classify different levels of economic downturns.

Market Correction (10% fall in NYSE) -- "drank tee-many martoonis" . Time to recovery: 1 month

Bear Market (prolonged 20 % drop in NYSE) -- "got plastered at Polynesian Restaurant and slept through your final exam in Economics" . Time to recovery: 6 months.

Recession: (Negative economic growth for 2 successive quarters) --- "Downed fifth of Southern Comfort during alumni football weekend. Made a pass at your fiancee's younger sister before puking in living room of your future in-laws." Time to recovery -- 1-2 years

Current situation (rising unemployment, collapse of housing and stock markets, wholesale financial instability) : "Joined beach party in Baja where someone gave you unknown white powder to snort. Woke up in your underwear in Mexican prison with strange burns on your arms and a heavily muscled and tattooed cellmate." Time to recovery: Unknown, but will likely involve years of privation, a newfound devotion to God, and paying large sums of cash to lawyers and other criminals.