Republicans Tap Reagan Statue To Lead Party

In an unexpected shakeup, Republicans announced today that the bronze statue of Ronald Reagan, unveiled today in the Capitol, will replace gaffe-prone Michael Steele as head of the Republican Party. Since the election of President Obama, Republicans have searched unsuccessfully for a leader who can galvanize the party around a new message. Unfortunately, the message of Party Chairman Steele was often overshadowed by repeated gaffes brought on by his off-the-cuff style. He alternately criticized Rush Limbaugh, endorsed choice on abortion, then had to apologize for both, before denying global warming and likening Obama to Nixon. Republican insiders have grown uncomfortable as they watched Limbaugh and unpopular ex-Vice President Dick Cheney become de facto leaders of the party in the absence of a clearer message. "We are excited that Reagan has returned to lead the party," said one party insider, who spoke anonymously for fear of offending other Republican statues nearby in the Rotunda, including that of Teddy Roosevelt. "This statue embodies all the steadfast qualities we need in a leader -- and talk about gravitas -- he weighs 5 tons! " he noted. Another Republican noted, "The statue will continue what Reagan was so good at -- going over the heads of the media (literally) directly to the people." Other insiders speculated the statue may also be in line to replace Rep. John Boehner as minority leader of house Republicans. "For one thing," noted a fellow Congressman. "Reagan's statue has a more lifelike skin color than Rep. Boehner."