Barney Conducting Secret Lobbying Campaign to Stay as White House Dog

According to White House insiders, President Bush’s Scottish Terrier Barney is engaged in furious back channel negotiations to be allowed to stay on in the position of White House dog in the Administration of newly elected President Barack Obama. Obama’s public promise to get a dog for his two daughters set off heated speculation about what type of dog it would be. It is a safe bet that no-one ever considered Barney, generally considered as one of the last remaining Bush loyalists. According to friends, however, Barney has steadily grown disillusioned with his master starting with the botched Federal response to Katrina, in which many dogs perished. “Basically, I think Barney has gradually recognized that Bush, friend though he is, has been a disastrous President,” said someone close to the terrier. “Remember,” he went on, “Bush picked Barney, not the other way around.” Barney, born in New Jersey and living in D.C. his whole life, has also made clear he has no desire to return with the Bushes to Texas. “Hey, I’m a Scottish terrier,” he once observed. “As in 'cloudy, cool banks of Loch Lomond.' I think 'Crawford' must be Scottish for 'scorching shit-hole'.” He has been making the argument to the transition team that his experience, house training and hypoallergenic fur will give the Obamas one less thing to worry about. “Do you really want a stupid retriever puppy peeing on the Oval Office rug?” observed one backer.

Fight Over Pardoned Turkeys Proceeds to Court

The two turkeys pardoned by President Bush in the traditional holiday ritual remain caught in a legal limbo 6 days after the White House ceremony announcing that they were being spared their Thanksgiving fate. Lawyers for the turkeys, named May and Flower, have filed a writ with the D.C. District court seeking a prompt release of their clients. The Justice Department, however, continues to claim the right to detain the turkeys indefinitely as unlawful enemy combatants. “The pardon applies solely to the capital charges associated with being a turkey. It was never intended to override the U.S. rights of preventive detention for unlawful combatants.” Lawyers for the turkeys have for months been seeking a habeus corpus hearing to challenge those charges, noting they are based solely of the testimony of the rival barnyard factions who turned the turkeys over to authorities. Said one lawyer, "The leader of the rival clan Henny Penny has a well-documented history of wild claims" (see “Panic Ensues after Report of Falling Sky”, NY Times, May 1989). Further complicating negotiations has been difficulty finding anyone willing to accept the released turkeys. The home farm for the turkeys has refused to take them back for fear they may foment unrest among the remaining turkeys. “No turkey has ever returned from the “Truck to the Promised Land” that arrives every November, said Red Barnston, owner of the farm. “It could cause complete havoc.”

Obama Choice of HUD Secretary Astounds Public

In a bold move that took both supporters and critics by surprise, President-elect Barack Obama nominated outgoing President George W. Bush to the position of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Although some saw it as an extreme example of Obama following the Lincoln strategy of assembling a “team of rivals” in his Cabinet, the actual motivations appear more mundane. First, Democratic activists were increasingly worried about being able to hold their coalition together without having Bush to criticize. Putting him in charge of the Agency that has been caught flat-footed by the housing bubble guarantees an unlimited supply of news stories and Congressional hearings to continually remind the public that everything that goes wrong is still Bush's fault. Second, the housing market is so thoroughly damaged that there is little risk that Bush could make it any worse. Finally, HUD has officially been designated as the holding area for officials who are awaiting indictment. Previous HUD Secretary under George W. Bush, Alphonso Jackson, resigned in May of this year amid charges that he used his influence to steer lucrative work to a Philadelphia business partner. Henry Cisneros, HUD Secretary under Bill Clinton, served under the cloud of a special prosecutor investigation of payments he made to a former mistress. Finally, Samuel Pierce, HUD secretary under Ronald Reagan, escaped indictment but presided over a scandal-ridden agency where programs of rent-subsidies were widely abused to support political contributors. Said one Obama insider, “I think the President–elect felt it was important to show that mismanaging HUD isn’t just a minority thing.”

Democrats Demand al Qaeda Apology

Democratic leaders reacted angrily today to a new 11 minute video released by al Qaeda, in which their second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, heaps abuse on president elect Barack Obama, calling him a “house slave”. Senate leader Harry Reid demanded an immediate apology, saying it was “pathetic” that the organization was resorting to the "race card." “I think this is a sign of desperation, “ said Reid. “As is blowing yourself up. Neither offer real solutions to the problems of middle class Muslim’s.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi demanded that al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden repudiate al-Zawahiri’s comments. “It is outrageous to engage in the politics of personal destruction. Not to mention actual personal destruction. We are steamed about that, too” said Pelosi. “The voters have been clear they want solutions, not more of the same jihad.” Obama advisers blame the new al Qaeda strategy on Republican strategists, who may have sought work advising the al Qaeda campaign after their November defeat. “This is a page straight out of Karl Rove’s playbook,’” said David Axelrod, political manager of the Obama campaign. At least one Al Qaeda operative had endorsed John McCain in the Presidential contest, and the traditional values platform of the fundamenatlist Muslim group resonates with some conservative Republicans. But rumors of a Rove-Zawihiri link accelerated when, later in the new video, al Zawhiri is seen to warn his listeners that "the American infidels will ban prayer in your madrassas, take away your AK-47s, and raise the taxes on your goats.”

RNC Releases Inventory of Palin Clothes

Juneau -- The Republican National Committee today released its long-awaited inventory of Sarah Palin's clothes, seeking to end a month long furor over reports that it had spent $150,000 on designer clothes for the Vice-Presidential nominee. Spokesman Todd Burnham noted that the document released today was compiled by the Alaska Governor and her family in response to an RNC request to document which items in her wardrobe were purchased by the RNC for the campaign and would therefore be donated to charity. The notations are those of Gov. Palin and have not been verified yet by independent auditors.

Cream Valentino jacket – size 8 – Bought by RNC. Donate

6 pair girls’ underwear saying “True Love Waits” – these are Bristol’s. Keep

“I’d Tap That” T shirt (oil derrick logo), brown, size M – this belongs to John. Return

4 White T shirts – “I’m with stupid” – Nicole Wallace ordered these for my staff – please discard.

Red Manolo pumps, size 7 – I have already had these resoled with Vibram soles. Keep

Women’s underwear, embroidered with “Drill, Baby, Drill” – gift from Todd. Keep

Flyer’s Hockey Jacket, with mustard stains – gift. Note to self: No more hockey gigs without checking local voter registration. The Philadelphia owner must have been the only Republican in that crowd.

Camouflage pattern nightgown – gift from Todd. Keep

4 silk Hermes scarves – I am pretty sure the Wasilla town council gave me these when I was elected Governor. Keep

2 pair white long underwear – Not sure how these got here – Return to Mitt.

Kevlar bustier – gift from NRA. Keep

Dashiki size 44 – Todd bought this for his Jeremiah Wright Halloween outfit (please remove tube of “black face paint” from pocket). Keep

Apron with logo -- “A women’s place is in the House (and in the Senate)” – gift from Alaska Republicans – Please donate to charity (damn you, Mark Begich)

GOP Seeks Bailout Protection

The national Republican Party has filed an application to the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP), the Federal bailout program in charge of rescuing failing banking and insurance industries. According to the filing, the GOP's ability to obtain credit in the public marketplace has "completely frozen up" , according to one analyst. Their troubles were brought on by a series of bad investments over the past 8 years, including seriously over-leveraging their investments in the war on terror, deregulation and "conservative Christian values", all of which are trading at all-time lows.

The request for a bailout has caused a strong debate in economic circles. Some feel that without fundamental restructuring of the GOP, a bailout will simply delay the inevitable declaration of intellectual bankruptcy. "Look," noted one analyst, "they keep hoping the models that sold well in the 1980's will make a come back. They haven't updated their basic design and styling to create a package that meets the needs of the American consumer." The GOP did create a temporary buzz at the 2008 summer autoshow with their radical concept car, the Palin, a stylish gas guzzler, but consumers turned on it after a number of highly publicized accidents raised questions about it's basic safety and durability. Foreign competition, incuding the U.K. -made Cameron, has generally outperformed the American models in the conservative marketplace.

Auto Industry Plans New Incentives

The US auto industry, working with Democratic supporters in Congress, is developing a series of new incentives to try to lure reluctant car-buyers back to the showrooms. Auto sales have fallen off a cliff during the recent slowdown, but automakers hope the following new offerings will help boost sales:

The Yes We Can package: Buy a new 2009 Toyota Prius and get your picture taken with the new President-elect. Note: depending on travel schedule, White House reserves option of substituting Joe Biden or Rahm Emanuel. Car comes pre-equipped with "1-20-09: End of an Error" bumpersticker and with XM radio pretuned to Tavis Smiley and "Democracy Now".

The Testosterone package: You no longer need a Hummer to make up for feelngs of masculine inadequacy. Each 2009 Chrysler 300 comes with 3 UAW "enforcers" who will ride with you where-ever you go. Their scowling visages will sends a clear message to nearby drivers that you are not a man to mess with.

The Home and Hearth package -- The first 5000 buyers of a 2009 Town and Country minivan will get their pick of any foreclosed properties within a 100 mile radius. Added advantage -- the easy fold-down seats in the Town and Country make this minivan a comfy and roomy shelter should the previous property owners manage to work out that refinancing deal with their bank .

The Bringing Home the Bacon package -- Reluctant to buy a car because you just got laid off? No worries! Buy a new 2009 Chevy Malibu and get a free 2 year lease on a cubicle at a vacant office park. Comes with free phone, parking, and a realistic looking packet of monthly pay-stubs from "Dynotechnitron Industries". Your family will be none the wiser as you head off to your new "job" each morning in your slick new ride.

The "Millenial" Package: Convinced that the election of a black President and the stock-market collapse are a sign of the "end times"? Why not await The Rapture in comfort in your new 2009 Ford F-150 King Ranch pickup. The new RCA DVD system will allow you to view the unmasking of the anti-Christ while safely protected from God's wrath by the double laminated windows. Drown out the screams of eternal torment from unbelievers with the premium Dolby sound system. Added bonus: just like your underwear, those car payments get left behind on earth as you make your heavenly ascent.