Weiner Steps Down to Enter Treatment

New York (AP) : Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner tearfully announced his resignation today, saying that he is entering treatment for being a prick. According to the Congressman’s office, upon stepping down he plans to enter the Donald Trump Clinic for Dicks and Douchebags. “Like many pricks, I had fooled myself into thinking that I could control being a prick. It wasn’t until I saw the pain it had inflicted on those close to me that I realized that being a prick had taken over my life. The desire to send pictures of one’s prick, I should have realized, is itself a sign of a prick out of control. With treatment I am optimistic that I can get back to being the normal asshole I was before I was elected.” Experts are divided on whether treatment is effective for pricks, especially in advanced stages. “In my experience,” said psychiatrist Emily Greenberg, “being a prick has been essential to these men’s success as tort lawyers or cable talk-show hosts. You might dampen some of the most egregious behavior but it is exceedingly difficult to return them to being normal empathetic human beings.” More and more pricks, however, seem willing to try treatment, perhaps because some like John Edwards have ended up seeing their bad behavior prosecuted as a crime. According to Edward’s attorney, though, this is a dangerous trend. “Being a worthless human being and world-class prick may be despicable, but it is not a crime. Our jails are not large enough to handle all the pricks we have, especially in cities like Washington, D.C.”