Ramirez Crafts New Style of Apology

Baseball star Manny Ramirez recent apology for using a banned substance introduced a new variant to the "famous person apology" library - a statement that mixes appearances of accepting responsibility while shifting blame. According to Manny:
Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.
We thought other public miscreants would have been well-served to adopt his technique:

John Edwards: Recently, I engaged a young woman to create videos for my campaign. She also provided additional services which she thought were ok to give me, since I was "totally hot". Unfortunately, this violated the policy of my wife Elizabeth against having other women bear my children. According to Oprah, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing -- for Chrissakes, I'm a TORT LAWYER. Do you think the only people I screw over are doctors and corporations?

Bernie Madoff: Over the past 10 years, I collected large sums of money from investors for a business proposition. I followed a plan that I believed would have been ok, provided the laws of mathematics and those of the SEC were repealed at the same time. Unfortunately, it turns out that people who invest money with an investment firm expect that money to be put into actual investments and not the Manhattan co-ops of the investment adviser. According to the judge, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing, however -- Lochaim!

Bill Clinton: Some time ago I consulted a zaftig young intern for a personal issue. We engaged in activity (not intercourse) that she thought would be ok, given that I was President and married to a certified "scrotum-shrinker". Unfortunately, it turns out that such activity was banned under our wedding vows. According to Hillary, that mistake is now my responsibility. Although millions of my wife's supporters wish I would just shut up, I do want to say one other thing: over the thirty years of my marriage, I have been faithful for many long stretches (months if not occasionally years).

George W. Bush: Recently, I consulted my Vice-President on issues of national security. On his advice, I followed a series of policies that he thought would would be good for me, my party and the US. Unfortunately, these plans turned out to be disastrous for all three. According to the rules of history, those mistakes are now my responsibility. While I have been advised to stay quiet until my book deal is signed, I do want to note one thing: I think a serious review of our records will reveal that I was a way better President than Millard Filmore and almost as good as that guy who caught pneumonia at his Inauguration and died after less than 3 months in office.

Twitter Launches Service for Seniors

The founders of the popular service Twitter have launched a new application aimed solely at seniors. Named Geezer, the service will allow older men and women to trade 140-character messages to stay in close touch with their family and people in their age group. "This is a great way for people to link to with others who share their world view, including those who know that Benny Goodman wasn't that banker indicted for mortgage securities fraud," said Geezer CEO Todd Franz. To show the many ways seniors are using this service, he let me look at a sample feed of exchanged messages (note: the user names have been altered to protect privacy):

Brklyn43 just felt that twinge again. The one in my arm when I raise it like this. I should take maybe some Advil but then I need to eat something and my stomach is not so good

JohnMPeters is looking for my glasses. I know I had them when I got up but they aren't in the bathroom or by my reading table. Maybe the kitchen. I was reading the paper

JoanOsborn saw a great movie last night with that young actress who is the daughter of that actress -- you know the one who was in that movie 5 years ago with that Woody Allen woman

MaryGreen'31 is STILL waiting for my kids to call. You would think that the odds that at least one out of 5 children would remember to call their mother on

PaulInPetersburg IS WONDERING WHY MY MESSAGES ALL COME OUT IN CAPS. Oh - never mind

MaryGreen'31 thinks they should not count spaces among the 140 characters. And is STILL WAITING for one of my kids to call.

ArtyinPhilly would like to order a pastrami sandwich. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

JoanOsborn remembers it was Goldie Hawn with the Woody Allen lady - not Mia Farrow, the earlier one -- anyway her daughter Kate Something was very funny in the movie last night

PalmSprings222 wants those damn kids to get off his lawn like I told them to yesterday.

JohnMPeters found his glasses and remembered I needed them to find my car keys. I always put them by the door but they are not there. Maybe on my dresser.

White House Releases New Classification Scheme for Recessions

Before departing office, President George W. Bush characterized the slumping economy as "Wall Street got drunk ... and now it's got a hangover." Recognizing that a "hangover" may not sufficiently capture our dire economic situation, the White House Council of Economic Advisors has released official colloquial descriptions to classify different levels of economic downturns.

Market Correction (10% fall in NYSE) -- "drank tee-many martoonis" . Time to recovery: 1 month

Bear Market (prolonged 20 % drop in NYSE) -- "got plastered at Polynesian Restaurant and slept through your final exam in Economics" . Time to recovery: 6 months.

Recession: (Negative economic growth for 2 successive quarters) --- "Downed fifth of Southern Comfort during alumni football weekend. Made a pass at your fiancee's younger sister before puking in living room of your future in-laws." Time to recovery -- 1-2 years

Current situation (rising unemployment, collapse of housing and stock markets, wholesale financial instability) : "Joined beach party in Baja where someone gave you unknown white powder to snort. Woke up in your underwear in Mexican prison with strange burns on your arms and a heavily muscled and tattooed cellmate." Time to recovery: Unknown, but will likely involve years of privation, a newfound devotion to God, and paying large sums of cash to lawyers and other criminals.

Facebook Releases Easy Tool for "De-Friending"

Dear _________:
It was such a pleasure to reconnect with you on Facebook after losing touch since (a. that crazy night in Cabo; b. our days together at Northwestern; c. sitting next to you in Miss Smedenburg's preschool). I was really amazed to see that you had (a. become a successful lawyer in Washington; b. gotten those front teeth straightened and found Jesus; c. had 5 kids; d. lost all of your curly brown hair). I have enjoyed your frequent postings, especially the (a. Biblical message of the day; b. links to the "Laughing babies" on You Tube; c. screeds about how Obama is selling out the left; d. details of your life insurance business). I have also enjoyed the photos of (a. your children's report cards ; b. you with your local Congressional delegation; c. your vacation to Tuscany; d. the Walk to Raise Awareness for Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Unfortunately, my Friend list is now over 300 and it has become clear that (a. your days of being the "hottest chick" in our dorm are a distant memory; b. you have no useful connections in the Obama Whitehouse; c. you really need to get out more; d. I still have no idea how I know you). I sincerely hope you don't take my need to remove you from my Friend list personally. If you ever visit ________, I would really love the chance to get together, especially if (a. they ever get your medication dose adjusted; b. you lose 100 pounds; c. your probation conditions are loosened).

Your everlasting friend,

Name Here

My Troubled Assets

Timothy Geithner
Secretary
Department of the Treasury
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Geithner:

I have learned of the Obama Administration plans to create "bad banks" to absorb toxic assets that are causing uncertainty in the financial sector. I herewith am enclosing a list of my troubled assets, including description, date acquired, and acquisition price (including any ongoing liabilities).

• Dow 36,000: How to Benefit from the Coming Boom in Stocks. 2/2000, $14.95

• 500 shares Pets.com 2/2000, $10,000

• Flipping Houses for Dummies. 2/2004, $24.95

• 3 units in Hide-a Wee Vacation Rental Condominiums, Coral Gables, Florida. 3/2004, $390,000

• The Bank Director’s Handbook: The Board Member’s Guide to Banking and Bank Management, 9/2004 $39.95

• 4 BR, 4 Bath Scarsdale estate on 1.5 acres. 11/2004, $3.5 million

• 1 membership in Westchester Golf Club. $12,000, 3/2005

• 1 bag Callaway Golf Clubs (great condition, 5 iron slightly dented, with blue paint traces). 7/2005, $6000

• Ashley DuPont (assistant golf pro, age 34, great condition). 8/2005, $18,000 (estimated value of gifts, dinners and secret vacations

• Structured Products and Related Credit Derivatives: An Investors Guide, 8/2006, $89.95

• 2007 Chevy Corvette Convertible, blue (damaged front hood) 10/2006, $55,000

• The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, 12/2006, $16.95

• Mrs. Gordon Blauvelt (Age 55, fair condition). Acquired 6/1983, divested 4/2007. Ongoing liabilities: $10,000 per month.

• Gordon Blauvelt III, skateboard artist, age 23. Acquired 6/1985, $836,000 (estimated, including 2 years drug rehabilitation and 0.5 years college).

• What Color is Your Parachute: A Practical Manual for Job Hunters and Career Changers, 11/2008 $19.95

• Basement studio apartment, unfurnished, Scarsdale, NY. 2/2009, $600/month.

• The Gift of Simplicity: Discover the Rewards of Simplifying Your Life. 2/2009, $16.95

I look forward to hearing the next steps in your acquisition of these assets, which will greatly increase my ability to participate in future lending.

Sincerely,

Gordon Blauvelt, Jr.
Scarsdale, NY

Obama Team Reaches Out to Comedians

Late-night comics are mourning the passing of the Bush Administration, which for 8 long years was "the gift that never stopped giving". The Obama Administration today reached out to reassure writers for The Daily Show, Jay Leno and others that the new President doesn't take himself too seriously and doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves by comedians. To this end, the White House released a list of Obama characteristics that would lend themselves to jnightly monologues, and sample jokes featuring them:

1. His ears stick out: What is with Obama's ears? With those ears, he doesn't need a warrant to listen in on other people. Unlike the Bush Administration, however, the Obama administration would never flout the Constitution by tapping American's phone calls without going through the FISA courts.
2. His wife is beautiful: How sexy is Michele Obama? She is so sexy that if Bill Clinton had been married to her, Al Gore would just be finishing his second term in office.
3. People have overly high expectations of him: People sure are expecting a lot from our new President. It's almost as if they think he can single-handedly restore prosperity, solve the Middle East crises, reverse global warming and make Washington sports teams good again -- which of course is ridiculous. I mean, the Wizards, Nats and Redskins are pretty pathetic.
4. He looks funny in shorts: Did you see Obama playing golf in shorts in Hawaii? He was taking a week off between the campaign and the Inauguration. Whereas Bush decided to wait until he WAS President to begin taking time off.
5. He has adorable daughters. Sasha came running into the Oval Office the other day, very upset because she had spilled her drink on the floor. "Daddy, I feel so bad - I made a mess in the White House." "Don't worry honey" said Obama. "That's nothing compared to the guy who used to live here."

Inauguration Diary

7:20 AM -- We begin provisioning for 4 mile hike into town due to obstacles to other forms of transportation: Metro (60 minute wait as of 4 am), buses (prospect of circling endlessly looking for an approved place to park) or driving (high risk of being taken out by TSA missile strike). Settle 0n 4 layers of clothing and small supply of hand warmers (easily converted into cash in case of emergency). Temperature is 30 Farenheit, or -48 with the wind chill crossing the 14th Street bridge. We manage to reach other side of bridge safely, but only after eating one of our sled dogs.

8:40 AM -- Sidewalk vendors are doing brisk business in all things Obama. Some get a jump on the next Christmas season by offering an Obama creche, complete with baby Obama and "Joseph" Biden and "Mary" Pelosi (first time Mary has been depicted in Armani suits).

9:00 AM -- White suburban Democrats flock to concession "Rent a Friend of Color" so they can better enjoy the feeling of unity provided by the new Administration.

10:30 AM -- Two protesters from some obscure religious group wave signs warning "Homos, sports nuts, porn addicts and Mormons" are damned if they put their faith in Obama rather than Jesus. Evangelical Pastor Rick Warren, giving the invocation, reaches out by pledging his support for full marriage rights for sports nuts.

11:00 AM - FOX commentator Bill O'Reilly remarks how amazing it is to see so many black people crowded together and not rioting.

11:30 AM -- Dick and Lynne Cheney are introduced to a reception similar to that which Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb gets at FedEx (Redskins) Field. Speculation runs rampant as to why he is in a wheelchair. Some assert that he has run low on the supply of blood from young kittens which he requires to power his heart, others that it was a shredding accident. Actually he was injured in death struggle with Obama which was halted only when he reveled to Obama -- "I AM your father".

11:45 AM -- The Navy Master of Ceremonies tries to avoid the possible embarrassment from an unfavorable crowd reception for President Bush by trying to sneak him in along with the new First Family -- "And now, the first daughter SASHA OBAMA and president George W. Bush and MALIA OBAMA. " The ruse is foiled when Sasha and Malia skip rapidly ahead leaving George W. isolated on the large Jumbotrons. Laura reassures her husband that the crowd noise is simply Red Sox fans cheering for Kevin Youklis ("Yoooooouk") who was spotted off in the Purple section.

11:50 AM -- Crowd goes wild for John Rause, the assistant chief of staff for the minority of the subcommittee on Congressional affairs and executive management.

12:00 PM -- President elect Obama is introduced. He runs down the aisle giving high fives to Bill and Hillary and then he and Joe Biden give a leaping "shoulder bump" to each other.

12:05 PM-- Chief Justice John Roberts administers the oath to President-elect Obama. Roberts temporarily throws the President-elect off-stride by citing the oath as "preserve, protect and defend some of the Constitution" before realizing he is reading from the old version he administered to George W. Bush. Sean Hannity asserts that it looks a lot like Obama is taking the oath on a Koran until being informed it is Abraham Lincoln's Bible.

12:10 PM -- President Obama is successfully sworn in. MSNBC is fined by the FCC for publicly broadcasting Chris Matthews' orgasm. The heavens part briefly and spectators swear they hear trumpets until they realize it is just the 42d Air Force band.

1:30 PM -- Parents who have waited in line since dawn in the hopes that Obama will lay hands on and heal their ailing children are disappointed when they are greeted instead by Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tom Daschle who offers to enroll them in S-CHIP (expanded health care program for children).

2:30 PM -- Obama makes the ceremonial knock on the front door of the White House. At first, the sergeant-at-arms tries to draw the curtains and pretend no one is home, but eventually is forced to open the door and buy subscriptions to "TV Guide", "Boys Life" and "Popular Science" from the President-elect. A DC squad car pulls up to check out if "everything is all right" and asks Obama for some ID.

3:30 PM -- The inauguration parade finally begins, some 90 minutes late, effectively ending arguments about whether Obama is "black enough".

POST SCRIPT
January 21, 11:00 am

Chief Justice John Roberts re-administers oath of office to Obama in the OvalOffice, after it was revealed that Roberts omitted the language in the Constitution, "Simon says repeat after me..."