Republicans Decry Obama Response To Oil Spill

New Orleans -- Republicans attacked the Obama Administration reaction to the growing oil spill off of the Louisiana coast, attempting to liken it to the post-Katrina flooding in New Orleans and the botched response of the Bush Administration. "The callousness is sickening," said House minority leader Rep. John Boehner. "Every day they are letting thousands of innocent barrels of oil just drown off the coast. This shouldn't happen in the richest country in the world." Chimed in Newt Gingrich, "I know the left-wing media won't say it, but President Obama doesn't care about black liquids." Talk show host Rush Limbaugh urged listeners to take to the seas to form a human rescue brigade. "It is clear the Federal government is only concerned about liberal constituencies like wetlands and oysters. But with your boats, you can rescue that oil and give it a decent home in an American fossil-fuel- burning machine. It will be just like the evacuation at Dunkirk. 'But Rush," you ask, "there are millions of barrels in that spill. What difference can rescuing a few barrels of oil make?' I'll tell you what -- it matters to those barrels of oil,"said Limbaugh. In a related story, a group of Brown Pelicans released a statement in response to Limbaugh's comment that the spill might have been caused by environmental terrorists and that people shouldn't worry it since nature will take care of it. "We are out there fishing everyday for a living so we don't really know much about this guy Limbaugh," said one pelican, wiping oil off his left wing. "But he sure sounds like a drug-addled douche-bag. "

McDonnell Clarifies Proclamation

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell apologized today for neglecting to mention slavery as part of the state history in his proclamation celebrating Confederate History month. "The failure to include any reference to slavery was a mistake, and for that I apologize to any fellow Virginian who has been offended or disappointed," McDonnell wrote in a statement.. After sustained criticism of his initial defense that slavery was not an important factor in the Civil War, he added a clause to the proclamation that declares slavery "led to this war and was an evil and inhumane practice." However, he noted, we should not forget that without slavery we might never have had the Blues, jazz, the Rolling Stones, or hushpuppies.

The Governor also took time to clarify another proclamation. He noted that his declaration of February as "Japanese Air Force History Month " should have also probably mentioned events of December 1941 along with the "proud dedication of so many pilots who gave their lives in pursuit of their profession." In a related item, German Chancellor Angela Merckel encouraged tourists to visit Germany for a celebration of "Aryan Heritage Month" to recall the many interesting historical sites connected to that country's identification with their proud Aryan Heritage. "This is especially true of the exciting period of the 1940's when Germany struggled for independence, local control and freedom from big government."

What To Expect From Health Reform

Many provisions of the newly enacted healthcare reform will take place gradually over the next 5 years. Here is a guide to the changes we can expect to see as health reform is gradually instituted:

1. 2011 -- Republican Congressmen Joe "You Lie" Wilson and Randy "Baby Killer" Neugebauer become supporters when they learn that they can't be denied coverage due to pre-existing Tourette's Syndrome.

2. 2012 -- American insurance companies, forbidden from developing innovative new excuses to deny coverage, move to less regulated markets in India. Consumer complaints increase over denials of coverage for pre-existing Karma.

3. 2013 -- Rush Limbaugh fulfills his threat to leave the country if health reform passes. He moves to the last remaining bastion of free-market medicine, China, where he develops lead poisoning from counterfeit Oxy-Contin. He launches Chinese radio show warning that Premier Hu Jintao is turning the country into a Communist state.

4. 2014 -- Employees with good health coverage begin voluntarily dropping insurance. "Having insurance no longer feels special now that anyone can get it," complains Mary Anderson. "It's like espresso -- when you could only get it in Europe, it tasted pretty great but now that it's on every corner you realize it is just a really small, expensive cup of coffee. "

5. 2018 -- The new tax on "Cadillac" insurance plans goes into effect, forcing everyone to ask -- "What's a Cadillac?". Legislators revise wording to "Lexus insurance plans."

6. Young adults, freed from worry over uninsured medical expenses, begin to binge drink and engage in risky sex with multiple partners.

Hockey Team Deals With Canadian Trash Talking

Vancouver -- The highly anticipated rematch between the U.S. and Canadian hockey teams has brought out a rarely seen competetive fire among the host country's fans. Americans were surprised to read in the New York Times that American goalie Ryan Miller had experienced "trash talking" of the local fans, although he noted that, being Canada it was "polite". Here we repeat the most frequent taunts tossed by Canadians at visiting Olympians.

Bode Miller -- "Hey Bode, say hi to your wife for me. I've never met her but she seems like a nice lady."

Lindsey Vonn -- "Hey Lindsey, too bad you hurt your shin. Our national health care system would take care of that for free -- if you were Canadian."

Chad Hedrick - "Hey Chad, you wife's weight is in the healthy range for her height but I don't think she is getting sufficient fiber in her diet."

Johnny Weir -- "Hey Weir, here in Canada you could get married."

Ryan Miller -- "Goalie, if we play up to our potential, Canada has a good chance of scoring

some goals against you."

Apollo Ohno -- "Hey, Ohno, shouldn't it be 'Oh-yes'?"

Shaun White -- "Shaun, we would gladly worship you as a God except we are a secular country."

White House Visit Looks Likely for Shaun White

After winning his second gold medal in the half-pipe, snowboard phenomenon Shaun White told Bob Costas he really hopes he'll get an invitation to meet the President at the White House. Although that word will probably half to wait until the Vancouver Olympics are concluded, early signals suggest that snowboarding has captured the White House consciousness. Speaking to House Democrats late last week, President Obama told them now was the time to keep up the fight for healthcare reform. "I didn't come to Washington to play it safe. I came to put down these great tricks I have been working on. Passing healthcare reform is the savvy thing to do, it's the saucy thing to do. Let's go big and stomp it. "

Snow and Power Outages Fray Patience

Police Blotter -- Arlington -- Week of February 6th-12th

Feb 6th -- Outside Pentagon City Mall -- Packs of feral youth reported roaming in search of Internet access. They corner a middle-aged government contractor in thigh deep snow and wrestle away his I-phone to log onto LOLCats.com. Man escapes with minor injuries and $30 in texting charges.

Feb. 7th -- N. Monroe St. -- Man walking his Labrador assaulted by homeowner who claims that Arlington County ordinance requires the pet owner to "bag and dispose of" the 3 foot circle of yellow snow left by the dog.

Feb. 8th -- N. Irving St. -- EMTs respond to call for "acute cholesterol overload". College student had been without power for 3 days and living entirely on supply of defrosting Hot-Pockets which he was grilling in his fireplace.

Feb. 9th -- S. 23d St. -- Police called to bar to break up altercation. A 28 y.o. white male from Arlington assaulted a 33 .o. white male visitor from N. Dakota after the visitor had, for the 28th time in 4 days, turned to a fellow patron and said, "You know what they call weather like this in North Dakota? A heat spell. Ha, ha, ha. " Visitor booked for "incitement."

Feb. 10th -- Suicide hotline receives call from despondent Federal worker in Lee Heights who is depressed to learn he was not considered "essential" despite being Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Associate Undersecretary for Legislative Liaisons in Department of Agriculture. Man threatens to throw himself in front of Metro train before being informed that Metro is not running aboveground in his neighborhood. Counselors advise man of the closest underground station where Metro service is available.

Feb 11th -- Police responding to domestic disturbance find 51 y.o. male in psychotic episode induced by watching "The View" for 4th consecutive day. Man revived with DVD of "The Hangover" and released.

Feb. 12th -- Cherrydale neighborhood -- Police receive calls about "protection racket" in which a man calling himself "Frank" would approach homeowners saying "That is a beautiful parking space you have shoveled out. It would be a shame if something should happen to it." Homeowners who declined to pay "snow insurance" reported awaking to find that a Bobcat frontloader had deposited several feet of snow in the space overnight. Suspect is a white middle-aged male in a long wool overcoat with a New Jersey accent.

DC Area Gets Resourceful In Storm Aftermath

Washington, DC: The snow storms battering the area, and the accompanying loss of power and Internet access for many households, have forced area residents to come up with resourceful new solutions to old problems. We offer below some of the most innovative suggestions from our readers:

1. Billy T, Arlington: I was really bummed that I couldn't get on Facebook to keep up with my friends. But when I was out shoveling, I realized there were a bunch of kids my age on our block. We spent time doing the kind of stuff we could do on Facebook -- making snarky comments, updating our status, "poking" each other, etc. I can't wait until I can get back on Facebook so we can become real Friends.

2. Jimmy K, Springfield, VA. I am a huge fan of Call of Duty so I didn't know what to do when we lost power. But some friends and I realized you could press snow into little round balls and use them just like bullets or mortars. We also could build "forts" for protection. It's not quite as exciting without the simulated blood and reloading is more time-consuming but it actually didn't suck as much as I thought when my Mom suggested it.

3. Donna L. Friendship Heights We couldn't get on the Web for 4 days when Comcast was out. But a friend brought back a "magazine" from the supermarket -- it had a lot of the same information I used to get on the Web -- celebrity gossip, movie reviews, recipes -- and I didn't need to log in. I just can't believe they expect you to pay money for it. Crazy!

4. Bob K, College Park, MD: Without Internet, I couldn't get onto the live sex chats I usually subscribe to. Since I didn't have any power I had to head down to a local bar for some food. I was surprised to see there were real girls there I could talk to, and it cost me a lot less per minute. But for some reason they didn't want to keep talking about how "hot" I was making them.

5. Debbie S, Takoma Park, MD: My Kindle died 8 hours into the storm, and I was almost finished with the latest John Grisham novel. But a neighbor said she knew someone with the analog version and got it for me (a "boook" is what I think they call it). It was too thick to fit in my handbag, and I couldn't adjust the backlight, but it worked reasonably well in a pinch. Maybe I could take it to the beach.

6. Donna L, Alexandria: I couldn't get to the gym for nearly a week. But I worked out a regimen that gave me a good workout for my lats, deltoids, biceps and core. You grab a snow shovel, bend over, pick up a load of snow with the shovel, then throw it over your right shoulder, then on the next pass you throw it over your left shoulder. You can really feel the burn after a while -- all it needed was some good loud disco music.