Back and Forth over Palin Continues

The release of several new books on the 2008 campaign has reignited the war of words regarding the failed McCain-Palin campaign. The latest involved the assertion, in the recent "60 Minutes" interview with McCain campaign head Steve Schmidt, that Governor Palin had told staffers that she believed her nomination was part of God's plan. In an unprecedented move, the Almighty authorized sources to speak on his behalf to deny direct involvement in her selection. "Frankly, He was as shocked as anyone by her selection. He had never even heard of her," said an archangel speaking under a request of anonymity out of fear of retribution by Palin supporters. It actually turns out that a benign Heavenly mix-up may have been behind the selection of the then-Alaska Governor. "Look, to be honest, the job of managing the Republican campaigns was given to one of our demoted archangels. Ever since the Republicans tried to screw up God's plans for Terri Schiavo, the Almighty has viewed that assignment as a way to punish under-performing staff - kind of like getting placed on the Kyrgyzstan desk at the State Department," said the source. "And the angel remembered "popular Governor", "snowmobiling", "problem solver" and somehow confused Palin with Pawlenty. Believe me, we were all pretty red-faced." According to the source, the decision of the Almighty to go on record was furthered by His annoyance at Palin's recent statements that she might re-enter politics if God "showed her the open door" someday. "Look, he's the Almighty, not some two-bit bellhop in a uniform. He is out there smiting His enemies, not managing the careers of second-rate political pundits. " In an unrelated vein, the Archangel mentioned "the Almighty really wishes Pat Robertson would shut his pie-hole. He would have shut Pat up Himself, if you know what I mean, but He is still in tense negotiations with Lucifer about who would have to take Pat when he dies."

Tearful Admission of Performance Enhancing Drug Use

Dallas -- One day after slugger Mark McGwire tearfully admitted to using steroids, another confession concerning performance-altering drug use rocked the political world. In a long and rambling interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace, former President George W. Bush admitted that he had been under the influence of "Conservative Hatred for Effective Nonpartisan Intervention" (also known as CHENIs) throughout his 8 year administration. "It is now time to come clean and admit what many have long suspected. Throughout my eight years as President I regularly used CHENIs. I sincerely apologize to the public, I am sorry I ever took CHENI and I wish I had never governed in the CHENI era." Viewers had long suspected that CHENI use was at the root of the Presidents record-breaking string of policy failures, but to date Bush had claimed he achieved his failures without outside help -- going so far as to answer critics with a pointed "I'm the decider." Despite his admissions, the President stopped short of admitting that he could not have failed as badly without the assistance of CHENI. "Look, I first started relying on them when I thought I needed some strength after 9/11. But I screwed up while I was taking CHENIs and I screwed up when I was off them. CHENIs alone don't give you the lack of skills necessary to be one of the worst Presidents. That requires the monumental incuriosity, relying on "gut" decisions vs. thoughtfulness, and a stubborn refusal to acknowledge the failings of your loyal allies." Bush pointed out that one of his most famous domestic failures -- the post-Katrina response --had no relation to to CHENI use. Still, critics were only partially mollified. "I am glad he is trying to put this behind him," noted the NY Times' Frank Rich. "But I think he will always have an asterisk next to his name when the list of the worst executives is made up. There is no question CHENI use helped him launch an unnecessary war, keep an incompetent Defense Secretary, alienate allies, condone torture and push through harmful tax cuts. I think there he certainly could have been a pretty bad President without CHENI but we will never know if he could have achieved his monumental failures all on his own. The legacy of Millard Fillmore is still safe."

Wife of Tiger Woods Rescues Young Woman

Los Angeles --- Elin Nordegren, the wife of champion golfer Tiger Woods, was reported by her publicist to have helped rescue a young woman from near asphyxiation late Tuesday night. Police in Los Angeles reported that they had been called to the home of Jaimee Grubbs , a cocktail waitress whose long-running affair with Mr. Woods was reported in US Weekly. Police records noted that officers encountered a bruised and dazed Ms. Grubbs, suffering injuries to her face and scalp, and an agitated Ms. Nordegren. According to a statement posted on the TigerWoods.com website, the incident occurred when Ms. Nordegren, stopping at the home of Ms. Grubbs to pay a social call, thought she smelled a gas leak. "Thinking quickly, " the statement notes, "she retrieved a baseball bat from her car, broke down the front door, smashed a plate glass window to provide ventilation and then pulled the barely conscious Ms. Grubbs by her hair to safety.” The statement continued, “Ms. Nordegren had to arouse the young woman by scratching her deeply on the face and neck before summoning the police by setting fire to Ms. Grubbs BMW.” This marks the second time in a week that Ms. Nordegren exhibited quick thinking to come to the aid of others. Over the weekend she used a golf club to break both rear windows of her husband’s SUV in what her spokesman described as a daring attempt to pull her husband from the front seat of his car after he dented it in an early morning accident outside his Florida estate. Ms. Grubbs appeared awed by the selfless heroics of her rescuer. She was overheard telling the police “Keep her away from me. That bitch is CRAZY.” Spokesman for CalGas reported they are continuing to search for a possible source for a gas leak.

In a related story, Tiger Woods announced that he was withdrawing from the California golf tournament scheduled to benefit the Tiger Woods Foundation. “I truly regret not being able to participate, but I am headed to Kandahar to personally join in the surge of troops being ordered to Afghanistan by President Obama.” According to friends, Mr. Woods felt he needed some peace and quiet after the events of the past week.

Paln and Oprah Interview

Although the interview won't air until next Tuesday, details of Sarah Palin's interview have leaked to the press. Here is Part 1:

Oprah: Welcome, Governor Palin. I am so excited to have you on on my show.

Palin: Well, gosh, it is great to be with you. Just two strong, working women having a heart-to-heart talk.

Oprah: Yes, one of whom has been doing her job for 15 years without quitting.

Palin: And the other of whom has been a size 6 since college.

Oprah: But I hear you have been working, on a book, Going Rogue. Tell me about it.

Palin: Well, it's the story of a young woman from the American heartland who was following a traditional path -- marrying her high school sweetheart, having kids -- when one day she just got fed up with the Old Boy system in politics and the corruption and all, and she decided, gosh, maybe what politics needs is a little more of the common sense that small-town America seems to teach. Of course, the elites try to take her down a notch because she won't play by the Old Boy rules.

Oprah: So it's fiction?

Palin: No, the only fiction is all those lies the left-wing media make up about Todd and me.

Oprah: I might make it an Oprah Book Club. Make it a best seller.

Palin: Thanks Oprah, but it's been number 1 on Amazon since August.

Oprah: Well, you might reach a new audience. People who have actually read a book before.

Palin: And your readers might learns something about real Americans.

Oprah: Girl, you do NOT want to go there. But I am always looking for something inspirational. Does your book feature child soldiers who commit atrocities in Africa? That was last week's pick. Or maybe an obese girl from who has been raped by her father and is abused by her mother? I produced that movie, "Precious".

Palin: Goodness no. All I did with my dad was learn to hunt and fish.

Oprah: Hunting animals? Oh, that sounds so depressing! So what books are you reading?

Palin: Oh, you know.... All of them.

Oprah: Name one

Palin: There you go with your "gotcha journalism." (laughs). Actually, Bristol and I really liked the Twilight series.

Oprah: Well, Levi does remind me more and more of a Vampire every day.

Palin: Yes, but I really liked that in Twilight he couldn't touch her (laughs).

Oprah: How about the classics? We did Anna Karenina by the Russian writer Leo Tolstoy earlier in the year. Have you read War and Peace?

Palin: Well, I am interested in national security issues, and of course I know a lot about Russia. After all, I ...

Oprah: I know, I know... You can see it from your house.

Palin: Actually, that was Tina Fey. I was going to say I watched Red Dawn 5 times with Todd.

Tomorrow, Oprah and Sarah discuss "living your best life."

Protesters Decry Washington Leadership

Washington, DC: The angry mood of the public was on display today as hundreds of sign-wielding protesters marched to decry the failure of leadership in Washington. According to Bob Smeldenburg, an accountant from Centreville, "I think we are really in crisis. They keep telling us things will get better, but they keep getting steadily worse." Mary Nelson, a housewife from suburban Maryland chimed in, "To think how much I hoped for change last fall. I feel like a fool. The whole group, from the top guy and his inner team -- they are in way over their head." A kindly looking grandfather from DC weighed in" "We aren't your typical protesters. But they are destroying something I have been proud of my whole life. You can only take so much. And now they want to imply we are a tiny noisy minority. Well, if they think this week was a wakeup call, wait until you see what happens next week. When they lose to the Falcons and Broncos it could get really ugly." At that they turned and resumed their chant. "We want our Redskins Back! Snyder Must Go!"

Nobel Awards Surprise Public

Stockholm -- In a stunning announcement, the Nobel Prize Committee today awarded the 2009 Nobel Prizes for Literature, Chemistry and Medicine to Barack Obama. This followed the surprising award Friday of the Nobel Peace Prize to the young American President, which provoked criticism that his accomplishments to date didn't justify the honor. In awarding the Literature Prize, the committee noted "his impressive body of work exploring the timeless and worldwide themes of what it is like to be Barack Obama.” The award for Medicine recognized “his tireless commitment over more than 6 months (including a very busy vacation and trips to Denmark) to extend the right of health care to more Americans without alienating the insurance industries, pharmaceutical companies, or hospital associations, and while trying hard to win the broad bipartisan support of Olympia Snowe." The award for chemistry was perhaps the most surprising, as there is no record that Obama ever studied chemistry in high school or in college. The award however, praised him for “advancing chemistry by not being George W. Bush”. In other developments, the North Koreans expressed their displeasure at the failure of leader Kim Jung Il to get the prize, for the tenth year running, by launching long range missile tests into the Straits of Taiwan and posting offers of enriched uranium on Ebay.

Partisan Outburst Interrups Speech

Washington, D.C. -- January 28, 2011

The polarized politics of Washington erupted again yesterday during President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address, just two years after he promised to change the culture of partisanship in the town. The speech was interrupted suddenly when , during a passage where he implored Republicans to join him on immigration reform, the 6- member Republican delegation from Alabama rose, turned and dropped their trousers. Congressional historians report it was the first incident of intentional "mooning" in the halls of Congress as most other cases of Congressman without their pants have occurred behind closed doors.

Democratic response was swift, if not entirely to the liking of the President. While New York Sen. Chuck Schumer climbed over seats to put a headlock on Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel grabbed the microphone and, gesturing to Republicans, shouted, “Do you want to go? Do you WANT TO GO?!! Bring it on, you pussies. I will fuck you up!" The speech was further interrupted 10 minutes later by the sound of explosions, which turned out to be mortar fire landing in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. Those responsible, members of the "Tea Party" movement led by former Congressman Dick Armey, proclaimed they were simply expressing their Second Amendment rights to launch heavy ordnance in public spaces, but fellow Republican Sen. John McCain called the incident "highly inappropriate" in an interview later on Larry King. In the morning aftermath, both sides were claiming political advantage from the fracas. Alabama Republicans reported they had raised $38.7 million dollars in the 24 hours following the incident from the coalition of conservative groups known as "Kill the Commie Faggots". Several of their Democratic opponents claimed that they had raised an even greater amount through an on-line effort coordinated by the left-leaning group "Don't Forget How Much Bush Sucked" .

Proponents of bipartisanship expressed dismay over a trend of increasing rancor which they trace back to an event in September 2009 when South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe Wilson interrupted Obama's health care address by shouting "You lie!" Despite Wilson's quick apology for the outburst, six months later Georgia Congressman Sonny "Buddy" Johnson, Jr. interrupted the 2010 State of the Union, shouting “Bite Me!” in response to Obama's offer to join Republicans to combat teen pregnancy. Delaware Rep. Mike Castle, the sole remaining Republican moderate, decried the change. "I don't think this kind of behavior is good for the country. Why, when I first arrived in Congress, I wouldn't have dreamed of having to have an armed security detail going between my office and the House floor. But between the "Club for Growth" and "MoveOn.org" I have already lost two Chiefs of Staff to small arms fire."