Tearful Admission of Performance Enhancing Drug Use

Dallas -- One day after slugger Mark McGwire tearfully admitted to using steroids, another confession concerning performance-altering drug use rocked the political world. In a long and rambling interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace, former President George W. Bush admitted that he had been under the influence of "Conservative Hatred for Effective Nonpartisan Intervention" (also known as CHENIs) throughout his 8 year administration. "It is now time to come clean and admit what many have long suspected. Throughout my eight years as President I regularly used CHENIs. I sincerely apologize to the public, I am sorry I ever took CHENI and I wish I had never governed in the CHENI era." Viewers had long suspected that CHENI use was at the root of the Presidents record-breaking string of policy failures, but to date Bush had claimed he achieved his failures without outside help -- going so far as to answer critics with a pointed "I'm the decider." Despite his admissions, the President stopped short of admitting that he could not have failed as badly without the assistance of CHENI. "Look, I first started relying on them when I thought I needed some strength after 9/11. But I screwed up while I was taking CHENIs and I screwed up when I was off them. CHENIs alone don't give you the lack of skills necessary to be one of the worst Presidents. That requires the monumental incuriosity, relying on "gut" decisions vs. thoughtfulness, and a stubborn refusal to acknowledge the failings of your loyal allies." Bush pointed out that one of his most famous domestic failures -- the post-Katrina response --had no relation to to CHENI use. Still, critics were only partially mollified. "I am glad he is trying to put this behind him," noted the NY Times' Frank Rich. "But I think he will always have an asterisk next to his name when the list of the worst executives is made up. There is no question CHENI use helped him launch an unnecessary war, keep an incompetent Defense Secretary, alienate allies, condone torture and push through harmful tax cuts. I think there he certainly could have been a pretty bad President without CHENI but we will never know if he could have achieved his monumental failures all on his own. The legacy of Millard Fillmore is still safe."

Wife of Tiger Woods Rescues Young Woman

Los Angeles --- Elin Nordegren, the wife of champion golfer Tiger Woods, was reported by her publicist to have helped rescue a young woman from near asphyxiation late Tuesday night. Police in Los Angeles reported that they had been called to the home of Jaimee Grubbs , a cocktail waitress whose long-running affair with Mr. Woods was reported in US Weekly. Police records noted that officers encountered a bruised and dazed Ms. Grubbs, suffering injuries to her face and scalp, and an agitated Ms. Nordegren. According to a statement posted on the TigerWoods.com website, the incident occurred when Ms. Nordegren, stopping at the home of Ms. Grubbs to pay a social call, thought she smelled a gas leak. "Thinking quickly, " the statement notes, "she retrieved a baseball bat from her car, broke down the front door, smashed a plate glass window to provide ventilation and then pulled the barely conscious Ms. Grubbs by her hair to safety.” The statement continued, “Ms. Nordegren had to arouse the young woman by scratching her deeply on the face and neck before summoning the police by setting fire to Ms. Grubbs BMW.” This marks the second time in a week that Ms. Nordegren exhibited quick thinking to come to the aid of others. Over the weekend she used a golf club to break both rear windows of her husband’s SUV in what her spokesman described as a daring attempt to pull her husband from the front seat of his car after he dented it in an early morning accident outside his Florida estate. Ms. Grubbs appeared awed by the selfless heroics of her rescuer. She was overheard telling the police “Keep her away from me. That bitch is CRAZY.” Spokesman for CalGas reported they are continuing to search for a possible source for a gas leak.

In a related story, Tiger Woods announced that he was withdrawing from the California golf tournament scheduled to benefit the Tiger Woods Foundation. “I truly regret not being able to participate, but I am headed to Kandahar to personally join in the surge of troops being ordered to Afghanistan by President Obama.” According to friends, Mr. Woods felt he needed some peace and quiet after the events of the past week.

Paln and Oprah Interview

Although the interview won't air until next Tuesday, details of Sarah Palin's interview have leaked to the press. Here is Part 1:

Oprah: Welcome, Governor Palin. I am so excited to have you on on my show.

Palin: Well, gosh, it is great to be with you. Just two strong, working women having a heart-to-heart talk.

Oprah: Yes, one of whom has been doing her job for 15 years without quitting.

Palin: And the other of whom has been a size 6 since college.

Oprah: But I hear you have been working, on a book, Going Rogue. Tell me about it.

Palin: Well, it's the story of a young woman from the American heartland who was following a traditional path -- marrying her high school sweetheart, having kids -- when one day she just got fed up with the Old Boy system in politics and the corruption and all, and she decided, gosh, maybe what politics needs is a little more of the common sense that small-town America seems to teach. Of course, the elites try to take her down a notch because she won't play by the Old Boy rules.

Oprah: So it's fiction?

Palin: No, the only fiction is all those lies the left-wing media make up about Todd and me.

Oprah: I might make it an Oprah Book Club. Make it a best seller.

Palin: Thanks Oprah, but it's been number 1 on Amazon since August.

Oprah: Well, you might reach a new audience. People who have actually read a book before.

Palin: And your readers might learns something about real Americans.

Oprah: Girl, you do NOT want to go there. But I am always looking for something inspirational. Does your book feature child soldiers who commit atrocities in Africa? That was last week's pick. Or maybe an obese girl from who has been raped by her father and is abused by her mother? I produced that movie, "Precious".

Palin: Goodness no. All I did with my dad was learn to hunt and fish.

Oprah: Hunting animals? Oh, that sounds so depressing! So what books are you reading?

Palin: Oh, you know.... All of them.

Oprah: Name one

Palin: There you go with your "gotcha journalism." (laughs). Actually, Bristol and I really liked the Twilight series.

Oprah: Well, Levi does remind me more and more of a Vampire every day.

Palin: Yes, but I really liked that in Twilight he couldn't touch her (laughs).

Oprah: How about the classics? We did Anna Karenina by the Russian writer Leo Tolstoy earlier in the year. Have you read War and Peace?

Palin: Well, I am interested in national security issues, and of course I know a lot about Russia. After all, I ...

Oprah: I know, I know... You can see it from your house.

Palin: Actually, that was Tina Fey. I was going to say I watched Red Dawn 5 times with Todd.

Tomorrow, Oprah and Sarah discuss "living your best life."

Protesters Decry Washington Leadership

Washington, DC: The angry mood of the public was on display today as hundreds of sign-wielding protesters marched to decry the failure of leadership in Washington. According to Bob Smeldenburg, an accountant from Centreville, "I think we are really in crisis. They keep telling us things will get better, but they keep getting steadily worse." Mary Nelson, a housewife from suburban Maryland chimed in, "To think how much I hoped for change last fall. I feel like a fool. The whole group, from the top guy and his inner team -- they are in way over their head." A kindly looking grandfather from DC weighed in" "We aren't your typical protesters. But they are destroying something I have been proud of my whole life. You can only take so much. And now they want to imply we are a tiny noisy minority. Well, if they think this week was a wakeup call, wait until you see what happens next week. When they lose to the Falcons and Broncos it could get really ugly." At that they turned and resumed their chant. "We want our Redskins Back! Snyder Must Go!"

Nobel Awards Surprise Public

Stockholm -- In a stunning announcement, the Nobel Prize Committee today awarded the 2009 Nobel Prizes for Literature, Chemistry and Medicine to Barack Obama. This followed the surprising award Friday of the Nobel Peace Prize to the young American President, which provoked criticism that his accomplishments to date didn't justify the honor. In awarding the Literature Prize, the committee noted "his impressive body of work exploring the timeless and worldwide themes of what it is like to be Barack Obama.” The award for Medicine recognized “his tireless commitment over more than 6 months (including a very busy vacation and trips to Denmark) to extend the right of health care to more Americans without alienating the insurance industries, pharmaceutical companies, or hospital associations, and while trying hard to win the broad bipartisan support of Olympia Snowe." The award for chemistry was perhaps the most surprising, as there is no record that Obama ever studied chemistry in high school or in college. The award however, praised him for “advancing chemistry by not being George W. Bush”. In other developments, the North Koreans expressed their displeasure at the failure of leader Kim Jung Il to get the prize, for the tenth year running, by launching long range missile tests into the Straits of Taiwan and posting offers of enriched uranium on Ebay.

Partisan Outburst Interrups Speech

Washington, D.C. -- January 28, 2011

The polarized politics of Washington erupted again yesterday during President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address, just two years after he promised to change the culture of partisanship in the town. The speech was interrupted suddenly when , during a passage where he implored Republicans to join him on immigration reform, the 6- member Republican delegation from Alabama rose, turned and dropped their trousers. Congressional historians report it was the first incident of intentional "mooning" in the halls of Congress as most other cases of Congressman without their pants have occurred behind closed doors.

Democratic response was swift, if not entirely to the liking of the President. While New York Sen. Chuck Schumer climbed over seats to put a headlock on Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel grabbed the microphone and, gesturing to Republicans, shouted, “Do you want to go? Do you WANT TO GO?!! Bring it on, you pussies. I will fuck you up!" The speech was further interrupted 10 minutes later by the sound of explosions, which turned out to be mortar fire landing in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. Those responsible, members of the "Tea Party" movement led by former Congressman Dick Armey, proclaimed they were simply expressing their Second Amendment rights to launch heavy ordnance in public spaces, but fellow Republican Sen. John McCain called the incident "highly inappropriate" in an interview later on Larry King. In the morning aftermath, both sides were claiming political advantage from the fracas. Alabama Republicans reported they had raised $38.7 million dollars in the 24 hours following the incident from the coalition of conservative groups known as "Kill the Commie Faggots". Several of their Democratic opponents claimed that they had raised an even greater amount through an on-line effort coordinated by the left-leaning group "Don't Forget How Much Bush Sucked" .

Proponents of bipartisanship expressed dismay over a trend of increasing rancor which they trace back to an event in September 2009 when South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe Wilson interrupted Obama's health care address by shouting "You lie!" Despite Wilson's quick apology for the outburst, six months later Georgia Congressman Sonny "Buddy" Johnson, Jr. interrupted the 2010 State of the Union, shouting “Bite Me!” in response to Obama's offer to join Republicans to combat teen pregnancy. Delaware Rep. Mike Castle, the sole remaining Republican moderate, decried the change. "I don't think this kind of behavior is good for the country. Why, when I first arrived in Congress, I wouldn't have dreamed of having to have an armed security detail going between my office and the House floor. But between the "Club for Growth" and "MoveOn.org" I have already lost two Chiefs of Staff to small arms fire."

Obama Speech to High School Criticized for "Socialist Agenda""

Right-wing critics continue to attack President Obama's address to Wakefield High School in Arlington, VA tomorrow, pointing to numerous places in the released text where he is pushing "an extremist socialist agenda. (Spoiler alert -- this includes ACTUAL excerpts from the text released by the White House)

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. Why did Obama choose the only place in Virginia where you still can't legally carry a loaded firearm? Obama wants to take away your guns! -- Wayne LaPierre, NRA And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us. Now just stare into the camera so he can hypnotize you into joining his personality cult -- Michele Malkin

Some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning. I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia He was BORN there! Show us the birth certificate! -- Lou Dobbs for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school So she sent him to a madrassa where he learned to be a Muslim terrorist !-- Sean Hannity.

So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning. Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. Obama hated getting up. Who made him get up? His WHITE mother! No wonder Obama hates all white people. -- Glenn Beck.

We can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. But you won't be able to listen to your Grandparents because Obama wants to pull the plug on them -- Rep. John Boehner

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. Isn't it creepy that this is almost the exact language that Lenin and Hitler used when indoctrinating the masses ? -- Rush Limbaugh

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write for a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Then you can join the left-wing media and make up lies about Republicans -- John McCain

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? Draft dodger! Draft dodger! Oh wait, that was Clinton. Never mind. -- Oliver North

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. Global warming is a myth foisted on us by environmental terrorists! -- Sen. James Inhofe

You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. Why does he talk about critical thinking and not faith? More fair? Why does Obama hate America? -- Mitt Romney

I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. Michelle has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country. Elitists! I got a great education from each of the five colleges I attended and none were Ivy League -- Sarah Palin

But the truth is, being successful is hard. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try. That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. Why does he always have to bash Bush ?-- Bill O'Reilly

So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it. And together we can build a socialist paradise here in the US -- Heil Obama! -- Michael Savage

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.