White House Releases New Classification Scheme for Recessions

Before departing office, President George W. Bush characterized the slumping economy as "Wall Street got drunk ... and now it's got a hangover." Recognizing that a "hangover" may not sufficiently capture our dire economic situation, the White House Council of Economic Advisors has released official colloquial descriptions to classify different levels of economic downturns.

Market Correction (10% fall in NYSE) -- "drank tee-many martoonis" . Time to recovery: 1 month

Bear Market (prolonged 20 % drop in NYSE) -- "got plastered at Polynesian Restaurant and slept through your final exam in Economics" . Time to recovery: 6 months.

Recession: (Negative economic growth for 2 successive quarters) --- "Downed fifth of Southern Comfort during alumni football weekend. Made a pass at your fiancee's younger sister before puking in living room of your future in-laws." Time to recovery -- 1-2 years

Current situation (rising unemployment, collapse of housing and stock markets, wholesale financial instability) : "Joined beach party in Baja where someone gave you unknown white powder to snort. Woke up in your underwear in Mexican prison with strange burns on your arms and a heavily muscled and tattooed cellmate." Time to recovery: Unknown, but will likely involve years of privation, a newfound devotion to God, and paying large sums of cash to lawyers and other criminals.

Facebook Releases Easy Tool for "De-Friending"

Dear _________:
It was such a pleasure to reconnect with you on Facebook after losing touch since (a. that crazy night in Cabo; b. our days together at Northwestern; c. sitting next to you in Miss Smedenburg's preschool). I was really amazed to see that you had (a. become a successful lawyer in Washington; b. gotten those front teeth straightened and found Jesus; c. had 5 kids; d. lost all of your curly brown hair). I have enjoyed your frequent postings, especially the (a. Biblical message of the day; b. links to the "Laughing babies" on You Tube; c. screeds about how Obama is selling out the left; d. details of your life insurance business). I have also enjoyed the photos of (a. your children's report cards ; b. you with your local Congressional delegation; c. your vacation to Tuscany; d. the Walk to Raise Awareness for Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Unfortunately, my Friend list is now over 300 and it has become clear that (a. your days of being the "hottest chick" in our dorm are a distant memory; b. you have no useful connections in the Obama Whitehouse; c. you really need to get out more; d. I still have no idea how I know you). I sincerely hope you don't take my need to remove you from my Friend list personally. If you ever visit ________, I would really love the chance to get together, especially if (a. they ever get your medication dose adjusted; b. you lose 100 pounds; c. your probation conditions are loosened).

Your everlasting friend,

Name Here

My Troubled Assets

Timothy Geithner
Secretary
Department of the Treasury
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Geithner:

I have learned of the Obama Administration plans to create "bad banks" to absorb toxic assets that are causing uncertainty in the financial sector. I herewith am enclosing a list of my troubled assets, including description, date acquired, and acquisition price (including any ongoing liabilities).

• Dow 36,000: How to Benefit from the Coming Boom in Stocks. 2/2000, $14.95

• 500 shares Pets.com 2/2000, $10,000

• Flipping Houses for Dummies. 2/2004, $24.95

• 3 units in Hide-a Wee Vacation Rental Condominiums, Coral Gables, Florida. 3/2004, $390,000

• The Bank Director’s Handbook: The Board Member’s Guide to Banking and Bank Management, 9/2004 $39.95

• 4 BR, 4 Bath Scarsdale estate on 1.5 acres. 11/2004, $3.5 million

• 1 membership in Westchester Golf Club. $12,000, 3/2005

• 1 bag Callaway Golf Clubs (great condition, 5 iron slightly dented, with blue paint traces). 7/2005, $6000

• Ashley DuPont (assistant golf pro, age 34, great condition). 8/2005, $18,000 (estimated value of gifts, dinners and secret vacations

• Structured Products and Related Credit Derivatives: An Investors Guide, 8/2006, $89.95

• 2007 Chevy Corvette Convertible, blue (damaged front hood) 10/2006, $55,000

• The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, 12/2006, $16.95

• Mrs. Gordon Blauvelt (Age 55, fair condition). Acquired 6/1983, divested 4/2007. Ongoing liabilities: $10,000 per month.

• Gordon Blauvelt III, skateboard artist, age 23. Acquired 6/1985, $836,000 (estimated, including 2 years drug rehabilitation and 0.5 years college).

• What Color is Your Parachute: A Practical Manual for Job Hunters and Career Changers, 11/2008 $19.95

• Basement studio apartment, unfurnished, Scarsdale, NY. 2/2009, $600/month.

• The Gift of Simplicity: Discover the Rewards of Simplifying Your Life. 2/2009, $16.95

I look forward to hearing the next steps in your acquisition of these assets, which will greatly increase my ability to participate in future lending.

Sincerely,

Gordon Blauvelt, Jr.
Scarsdale, NY

Obama Team Reaches Out to Comedians

Late-night comics are mourning the passing of the Bush Administration, which for 8 long years was "the gift that never stopped giving". The Obama Administration today reached out to reassure writers for The Daily Show, Jay Leno and others that the new President doesn't take himself too seriously and doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves by comedians. To this end, the White House released a list of Obama characteristics that would lend themselves to jnightly monologues, and sample jokes featuring them:

1. His ears stick out: What is with Obama's ears? With those ears, he doesn't need a warrant to listen in on other people. Unlike the Bush Administration, however, the Obama administration would never flout the Constitution by tapping American's phone calls without going through the FISA courts.
2. His wife is beautiful: How sexy is Michele Obama? She is so sexy that if Bill Clinton had been married to her, Al Gore would just be finishing his second term in office.
3. People have overly high expectations of him: People sure are expecting a lot from our new President. It's almost as if they think he can single-handedly restore prosperity, solve the Middle East crises, reverse global warming and make Washington sports teams good again -- which of course is ridiculous. I mean, the Wizards, Nats and Redskins are pretty pathetic.
4. He looks funny in shorts: Did you see Obama playing golf in shorts in Hawaii? He was taking a week off between the campaign and the Inauguration. Whereas Bush decided to wait until he WAS President to begin taking time off.
5. He has adorable daughters. Sasha came running into the Oval Office the other day, very upset because she had spilled her drink on the floor. "Daddy, I feel so bad - I made a mess in the White House." "Don't worry honey" said Obama. "That's nothing compared to the guy who used to live here."

Inauguration Diary

7:20 AM -- We begin provisioning for 4 mile hike into town due to obstacles to other forms of transportation: Metro (60 minute wait as of 4 am), buses (prospect of circling endlessly looking for an approved place to park) or driving (high risk of being taken out by TSA missile strike). Settle 0n 4 layers of clothing and small supply of hand warmers (easily converted into cash in case of emergency). Temperature is 30 Farenheit, or -48 with the wind chill crossing the 14th Street bridge. We manage to reach other side of bridge safely, but only after eating one of our sled dogs.

8:40 AM -- Sidewalk vendors are doing brisk business in all things Obama. Some get a jump on the next Christmas season by offering an Obama creche, complete with baby Obama and "Joseph" Biden and "Mary" Pelosi (first time Mary has been depicted in Armani suits).

9:00 AM -- White suburban Democrats flock to concession "Rent a Friend of Color" so they can better enjoy the feeling of unity provided by the new Administration.

10:30 AM -- Two protesters from some obscure religious group wave signs warning "Homos, sports nuts, porn addicts and Mormons" are damned if they put their faith in Obama rather than Jesus. Evangelical Pastor Rick Warren, giving the invocation, reaches out by pledging his support for full marriage rights for sports nuts.

11:00 AM - FOX commentator Bill O'Reilly remarks how amazing it is to see so many black people crowded together and not rioting.

11:30 AM -- Dick and Lynne Cheney are introduced to a reception similar to that which Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb gets at FedEx (Redskins) Field. Speculation runs rampant as to why he is in a wheelchair. Some assert that he has run low on the supply of blood from young kittens which he requires to power his heart, others that it was a shredding accident. Actually he was injured in death struggle with Obama which was halted only when he reveled to Obama -- "I AM your father".

11:45 AM -- The Navy Master of Ceremonies tries to avoid the possible embarrassment from an unfavorable crowd reception for President Bush by trying to sneak him in along with the new First Family -- "And now, the first daughter SASHA OBAMA and president George W. Bush and MALIA OBAMA. " The ruse is foiled when Sasha and Malia skip rapidly ahead leaving George W. isolated on the large Jumbotrons. Laura reassures her husband that the crowd noise is simply Red Sox fans cheering for Kevin Youklis ("Yoooooouk") who was spotted off in the Purple section.

11:50 AM -- Crowd goes wild for John Rause, the assistant chief of staff for the minority of the subcommittee on Congressional affairs and executive management.

12:00 PM -- President elect Obama is introduced. He runs down the aisle giving high fives to Bill and Hillary and then he and Joe Biden give a leaping "shoulder bump" to each other.

12:05 PM-- Chief Justice John Roberts administers the oath to President-elect Obama. Roberts temporarily throws the President-elect off-stride by citing the oath as "preserve, protect and defend some of the Constitution" before realizing he is reading from the old version he administered to George W. Bush. Sean Hannity asserts that it looks a lot like Obama is taking the oath on a Koran until being informed it is Abraham Lincoln's Bible.

12:10 PM -- President Obama is successfully sworn in. MSNBC is fined by the FCC for publicly broadcasting Chris Matthews' orgasm. The heavens part briefly and spectators swear they hear trumpets until they realize it is just the 42d Air Force band.

1:30 PM -- Parents who have waited in line since dawn in the hopes that Obama will lay hands on and heal their ailing children are disappointed when they are greeted instead by Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tom Daschle who offers to enroll them in S-CHIP (expanded health care program for children).

2:30 PM -- Obama makes the ceremonial knock on the front door of the White House. At first, the sergeant-at-arms tries to draw the curtains and pretend no one is home, but eventually is forced to open the door and buy subscriptions to "TV Guide", "Boys Life" and "Popular Science" from the President-elect. A DC squad car pulls up to check out if "everything is all right" and asks Obama for some ID.

3:30 PM -- The inauguration parade finally begins, some 90 minutes late, effectively ending arguments about whether Obama is "black enough".

POST SCRIPT
January 21, 11:00 am

Chief Justice John Roberts re-administers oath of office to Obama in the OvalOffice, after it was revealed that Roberts omitted the language in the Constitution, "Simon says repeat after me..."

Things You May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record

As part of the attempt to burnish the Bush legacy, the White House has released a pamphlet entitled "100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record" (www:\\Whitehouse.gov). Among the lesser known items:

You may not be aware that the President Bush and his administration:
1. Always insisted its members maintain the highest ethical standards until they resigned, were indicted or wrote a tell-all book.
2. Helped double internet access in Moldovia.
3. Insisted that all Cabinet members, including the President himself, always offer frank, unvarnished advice to VP Cheney.
4. Prevented any U.S. death from major meteorite strikes for 8 years.
5. Personally assigned pet nicknames to 145 Administration staffers and Cabinet members and 82 individual members of the White House press corps.

6. Worked with Jack Abramoff to reduce regulatory barriers to private-public partnerships.
7. Never received oral sex from a White House intern.

8. Is still pursuing "second gunman" theory behind Cheney hunting accident.

9. With only one exception, refused to let Dick Cheney employ his Sith Lord cyborg death grip in Cabinet meetings (and that one time, Paul O'Neill really had it coming).
10. Insisted that each of its Attorneys General hold a law degree from a real accredited law school.
11. Carried on time-honored tradition of incompetent but unindicted Secretaries at HUD.
12. Avoided wars with 582 of 584 (99.6%) independent nations.
13. Remains popular in Turkmenistan

14. During a record-breaking 800 days of vacation, remained thoroughly engaged in the important Administration tasks, including: 6000 miles of mountain-biking; 400 acres of brush-clearing;  400 hours of security briefing; and 4 days of watching an American city drown. 

15.  Was instrumental in helping elect the Nation's first black President. 

Barney Conducting Secret Lobbying Campaign to Stay as White House Dog

According to White House insiders, President Bush’s Scottish Terrier Barney is engaged in furious back channel negotiations to be allowed to stay on in the position of White House dog in the Administration of newly elected President Barack Obama. Obama’s public promise to get a dog for his two daughters set off heated speculation about what type of dog it would be. It is a safe bet that no-one ever considered Barney, generally considered as one of the last remaining Bush loyalists. According to friends, however, Barney has steadily grown disillusioned with his master starting with the botched Federal response to Katrina, in which many dogs perished. “Basically, I think Barney has gradually recognized that Bush, friend though he is, has been a disastrous President,” said someone close to the terrier. “Remember,” he went on, “Bush picked Barney, not the other way around.” Barney, born in New Jersey and living in D.C. his whole life, has also made clear he has no desire to return with the Bushes to Texas. “Hey, I’m a Scottish terrier,” he once observed. “As in 'cloudy, cool banks of Loch Lomond.' I think 'Crawford' must be Scottish for 'scorching shit-hole'.” He has been making the argument to the transition team that his experience, house training and hypoallergenic fur will give the Obamas one less thing to worry about. “Do you really want a stupid retriever puppy peeing on the Oval Office rug?” observed one backer.