Unreal Virginia

Would A Pre-emptive Strike Keep Nuclear Weapons From Control By a Madman?

2012-02-03T19:20:00.000-08:00

Washington, DC -- Administration officials are reportedly internally warring over the case for pre-emptive actions to prevent an imminent nuclear threat. According to recent intelligence, there is a small but real chance that within less than a year a large nuclear arsenal could fall into the hands of an unstable, megalomaniacal leader supported by religious fanatics. Critics of pre-emptive action however argue that a strike will only empower this leader in his fight against more moderate opponents. "Look," said one, "he employs his threats and bluster very shrewdly. His support is exceedingly weak and confined to a very narrow segment of the party who is threatened by progress and openness. Most of the country can't stand him. An attack will only confirm the paranoid fantasies of his supporters, and prevent him by being ousted over his failed policies." Others think the risk of the doomsday scenario is overblown. "Trust me," said a high-ranking official with a deep knowledge of the background facts, "there is 0% chance that Newt Gingrich will ever be President."

Gingrich Soars in New Poll

2012-01-25T17:39:00.001-08:00

Tampa, FL -- Results of a new Florida poll show a continuing surge of enthusiasm for the Republican Presidential candidacy of Newt Gingrich. According to the newly released Gingrich Poll, among likely U.S. voters named Newt Gingrich (n=1), the popularity of the former US House Speaker has reached stratospheric heights. According to the poll's respondent, "Only Newt really embodies the radical, transformational, transcendent, revolutionary change I am looking for. He frankly gives me shivers down my leg every time he talks." Continued the respondent, "I can understand why he's been married three times. I'D marry him if I had the chance." Mitt Romney and other Republican hopefuls fare poorly in the polls, cited by 100% of the respondents as being "insufficiently conservative"(Romney), "wacky" ("Ron Paul") and "not me" (Rick Santorum).

Gingrich Proposal Shakes Up Race

2012-01-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

Charleston, S.C. -- Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich startled the Republican campaign today by asking the American public to consider electing him to an "open Presidency." "The problem with the electorate," he noted, "is that the U.S. public wants the President all to themselves. Other countries aren't like that." Under the terms of an "open Presidency", Mr. Gingrich would be allowed to compete for the Presidency of other countries while serving as U.S. President. Mr. Gingrich denied that there was already "another country", although campaign rumors have noted him spending a suspicious amount of time with Moldova recently and some websites have posted what they claim at "mash notes" between Gingrich and Kyrgyzstan, praising the latter's "bodacious Tatars". Gingrich has apparently grown disenchanted with the American populace for not sufficiently recognizing his transformational brilliance and with its constant nagging to "just shut up and clean up all your crap."

Weiner Steps Down to Enter Treatment

2011-06-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

New York (AP) : Embattled Congressman Anthony Weiner tearfully announced his resignation today, saying that he is entering treatment for being a prick. According to the Congressman’s office, upon stepping down he plans to enter the Donald Trump Clinic for Dicks and Douchebags. “Like many pricks, I had fooled myself into thinking that I could control being a prick. It wasn’t until I saw the pain it had inflicted on those close to me that I realized that being a prick had taken over my life. The desire to send pictures of one’s prick, I should have realized, is itself a sign of a prick out of control. With treatment I am optimistic that I can get back to being the normal asshole I was before I was elected.” Experts are divided on whether treatment is effective for pricks, especially in advanced stages. “In my experience,” said psychiatrist Emily Greenberg, “being a prick has been essential to these men’s success as tort lawyers or cable talk-show hosts. You might dampen some of the most egregious behavior but it is exceedingly difficult to return them to being normal empathetic human beings.” More and more pricks, however, seem willing to try treatment, perhaps because some like John Edwards have ended up seeing their bad behavior prosecuted as a crime. According to Edward’s attorney, though, this is a dangerous trend. “Being a worthless human being and world-class prick may be despicable, but it is not a crime. Our jails are not large enough to handle all the pricks we have, especially in cities like Washington, D.C.”

Egypt's Revolution Has Other Aging Autocrats Anxious

2011-02-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

Cairo -- The suddenness and sweep of the people's revolution in Egypt has unsettled many other autocratic regimes across the world. Despite a long entrenched power structure, tight control of all communication, an elaborate system of patronage and decades of abuse and cover-up, the aging Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak was no match for a people who longed to be brought into the modern world and were no longer intimidated by their leaders' dire warnings about the dangers of greater freedom, equal rights for women, or change in general.

Meanwhile in Rome, Pope Benedict XVI warned his Catholic followers, "Don't get any smart ideas."

Things I Noticed When Living Without a Blackberry

2010-06-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

Last week I lost my Blackberry, forcing me back into the dark ages of when one had to find other things to do when walking, sitting or standing for more than 30 seconds. Among the new revelations of this contemplative period:

1. (At home) - Where are all these shoes in our living room coming from? OMG - Eli's home from college. I wonder when that happened?

2. (On Metro) - This trend of visible tattoos on women is not going to turn out well

3. (At work) - The person running this meeting looks vaguely familiar. Oh right - it's my boss.

4. (Looking at ads on Metro) -- It is so obvious that only the Boeing KC-X tanker meets all the needs of a next generation refueling tanker. Only someone who hates America would support a tanker without a centerline drogue refueling system.

5. (At breakfast) - I think that looks like Garrett behind all that hair (jealousy aside, he could use a haircut). And when did Laura get into such great shape? I better get more regular with my gym schedule (Frankly, I think Tipper lost respect for Al when his weight started ballooning).

6.(At movies) - The pre-preview ads are sure running a lot longer these days. But I sure am glad to know what FX has planned for their fall lineup.

7. (Walking to work) -- Hey, that's where that music I kept hearing has been coming from. It's birds singing! How crazy is that?

8. (Monday at work) - Did anyone really think those emails were so important they had to sent Saturday evening at 11 pm?

Republicans Decry Obama Response To Oil Spill

2010-05-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

New Orleans -- Republicans attacked the Obama Administration reaction to the growing oil spill off of the Louisiana coast, attempting to liken it to the post-Katrina flooding in New Orleans and the botched response of the Bush Administration. "The callousness is sickening," said House minority leader Rep. John Boehner. "Every day they are letting thousands of innocent barrels of oil just drown off the coast. This shouldn't happen in the richest country in the world." Chimed in Newt Gingrich, "I know the left-wing media won't say it, but President Obama doesn't care about black liquids." Talk show host Rush Limbaugh urged listeners to take to the seas to form a human rescue brigade. "It is clear the Federal government is only concerned about liberal constituencies like wetlands and oysters. But with your boats, you can rescue that oil and give it a decent home in an American fossil-fuel- burning machine. It will be just like the evacuation at Dunkirk. 'But Rush," you ask, "there are millions of barrels in that spill. What difference can rescuing a few barrels of oil make?' I'll tell you what -- it matters to those barrels of oil,"said Limbaugh. In a related story, a group of Brown Pelicans released a statement in response to Limbaugh's comment that the spill might have been caused by environmental terrorists and that people shouldn't worry it since nature will take care of it. "We are out there fishing everyday for a living so we don't really know much about this guy Limbaugh," said one pelican, wiping oil off his left wing. "But he sure sounds like a drug-addled douche-bag. "

McDonnell Clarifies Proclamation

2010-04-08T18:34:00.000-07:00

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell apologized today for neglecting to mention slavery as part of the state history in his proclamation celebrating Confederate History month. "The failure to include any reference to slavery was a mistake, and for that I apologize to any fellow Virginian who has been offended or disappointed," McDonnell wrote in a statement.. After sustained criticism of his initial defense that slavery was not an important factor in the Civil War, he added a clause to the proclamation that declares slavery "led to this war and was an evil and inhumane practice." However, he noted, we should not forget that without slavery we might never have had the Blues, jazz, the Rolling Stones, or hushpuppies.

The Governor also took time to clarify another proclamation. He noted that his declaration of February as "Japanese Air Force History Month " should have also probably mentioned events of December 1941 along with the "proud dedication of so many pilots who gave their lives in pursuit of their profession." In a related item, German Chancellor Angela Merckel encouraged tourists to visit Germany for a celebration of "Aryan Heritage Month" to recall the many interesting historical sites connected to that country's identification with their proud Aryan Heritage. "This is especially true of the exciting period of the 1940's when Germany struggled for independence, local control and freedom from big government."

What To Expect From Health Reform

2010-03-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

Many provisions of the newly enacted healthcare reform will take place gradually over the next 5 years. Here is a guide to the changes we can expect to see as health reform is gradually instituted:

1. 2011 -- Republican Congressmen Joe "You Lie" Wilson and Randy "Baby Killer" Neugebauer become supporters when they learn that they can't be denied coverage due to pre-existing Tourette's Syndrome.

2. 2012 -- American insurance companies, forbidden from developing innovative new excuses to deny coverage, move to less regulated markets in India. Consumer complaints increase over denials of coverage for pre-existing Karma.

3. 2013 -- Rush Limbaugh fulfills his threat to leave the country if health reform passes. He moves to the last remaining bastion of free-market medicine, China, where he develops lead poisoning from counterfeit Oxy-Contin. He launches Chinese radio show warning that Premier Hu Jintao is turning the country into a Communist state.

4. 2014 -- Employees with good health coverage begin voluntarily dropping insurance. "Having insurance no longer feels special now that anyone can get it," complains Mary Anderson. "It's like espresso -- when you could only get it in Europe, it tasted pretty great but now that it's on every corner you realize it is just a really small, expensive cup of coffee. "

5. 2018 -- The new tax on "Cadillac" insurance plans goes into effect, forcing everyone to ask -- "What's a Cadillac?". Legislators revise wording to "Lexus insurance plans."

6. Young adults, freed from worry over uninsured medical expenses, begin to binge drink and engage in risky sex with multiple partners.

Hockey Team Deals With Canadian Trash Talking

2010-02-27T17:48:00.000-08:00

Vancouver -- The highly anticipated rematch between the U.S. and Canadian hockey teams has brought out a rarely seen competetive fire among the host country's fans. Americans were surprised to read in the New York Times that American goalie Ryan Miller had experienced "trash talking" of the local fans, although he noted that, being Canada it was "polite". Here we repeat the most frequent taunts tossed by Canadians at visiting Olympians.

Bode Miller -- "Hey Bode, say hi to your wife for me. I've never met her but she seems like a nice lady."

Lindsey Vonn -- "Hey Lindsey, too bad you hurt your shin. Our national health care system would take care of that for free -- if you were Canadian."

Chad Hedrick - "Hey Chad, you wife's weight is in the healthy range for her height but I don't think she is getting sufficient fiber in her diet."

Johnny Weir -- "Hey Weir, here in Canada you could get married."

Ryan Miller -- "Goalie, if we play up to our potential, Canada has a good chance of scoring

some goals against you."

Apollo Ohno -- "Hey, Ohno, shouldn't it be 'Oh-yes'?"

Shaun White -- "Shaun, we would gladly worship you as a God except we are a secular country."

White House Visit Looks Likely for Shaun White

2010-02-21T17:28:00.000-08:00

After winning his second gold medal in the half-pipe, snowboard phenomenon Shaun White told Bob Costas he really hopes he'll get an invitation to meet the President at the White House. Although that word will probably half to wait until the Vancouver Olympics are concluded, early signals suggest that snowboarding has captured the White House consciousness. Speaking to House Democrats late last week, President Obama told them now was the time to keep up the fight for healthcare reform. "I didn't come to Washington to play it safe. I came to put down these great tricks I have been working on. Passing healthcare reform is the savvy thing to do, it's the saucy thing to do. Let's go big and stomp it. "

Snow and Power Outages Fray Patience

2010-02-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

Police Blotter -- Arlington -- Week of February 6th-12th

Feb 6th -- Outside Pentagon City Mall -- Packs of feral youth reported roaming in search of Internet access. They corner a middle-aged government contractor in thigh deep snow and wrestle away his I-phone to log onto LOLCats.com. Man escapes with minor injuries and $30 in texting charges.

Feb. 7th -- N. Monroe St. -- Man walking his Labrador assaulted by homeowner who claims that Arlington County ordinance requires the pet owner to "bag and dispose of" the 3 foot circle of yellow snow left by the dog.

Feb. 8th -- N. Irving St. -- EMTs respond to call for "acute cholesterol overload". College student had been without power for 3 days and living entirely on supply of defrosting Hot-Pockets which he was grilling in his fireplace.

Feb. 9th -- S. 23d St. -- Police called to bar to break up altercation. A 28 y.o. white male from Arlington assaulted a 33 .o. white male visitor from N. Dakota after the visitor had, for the 28th time in 4 days, turned to a fellow patron and said, "You know what they call weather like this in North Dakota? A heat spell. Ha, ha, ha. " Visitor booked for "incitement."

Feb. 10th -- Suicide hotline receives call from despondent Federal worker in Lee Heights who is depressed to learn he was not considered "essential" despite being Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Associate Undersecretary for Legislative Liaisons in Department of Agriculture. Man threatens to throw himself in front of Metro train before being informed that Metro is not running aboveground in his neighborhood. Counselors advise man of the closest underground station where Metro service is available.

Feb 11th -- Police responding to domestic disturbance find 51 y.o. male in psychotic episode induced by watching "The View" for 4th consecutive day. Man revived with DVD of "The Hangover" and released.

Feb. 12th -- Cherrydale neighborhood -- Police receive calls about "protection racket" in which a man calling himself "Frank" would approach homeowners saying "That is a beautiful parking space you have shoveled out. It would be a shame if something should happen to it." Homeowners who declined to pay "snow insurance" reported awaking to find that a Bobcat frontloader had deposited several feet of snow in the space overnight. Suspect is a white middle-aged male in a long wool overcoat with a New Jersey accent.

DC Area Gets Resourceful In Storm Aftermath

2010-02-10T05:56:00.000-08:00

Washington, DC: The snow storms battering the area, and the accompanying loss of power and Internet access for many households, have forced area residents to come up with resourceful new solutions to old problems. We offer below some of the most innovative suggestions from our readers:

1. Billy T, Arlington: I was really bummed that I couldn't get on Facebook to keep up with my friends. But when I was out shoveling, I realized there were a bunch of kids my age on our block. We spent time doing the kind of stuff we could do on Facebook -- making snarky comments, updating our status, "poking" each other, etc. I can't wait until I can get back on Facebook so we can become real Friends.

2. Jimmy K, Springfield, VA. I am a huge fan of Call of Duty so I didn't know what to do when we lost power. But some friends and I realized you could press snow into little round balls and use them just like bullets or mortars. We also could build "forts" for protection. It's not quite as exciting without the simulated blood and reloading is more time-consuming but it actually didn't suck as much as I thought when my Mom suggested it.

3. Donna L. Friendship Heights We couldn't get on the Web for 4 days when Comcast was out. But a friend brought back a "magazine" from the supermarket -- it had a lot of the same information I used to get on the Web -- celebrity gossip, movie reviews, recipes -- and I didn't need to log in. I just can't believe they expect you to pay money for it. Crazy!

4. Bob K, College Park, MD: Without Internet, I couldn't get onto the live sex chats I usually subscribe to. Since I didn't have any power I had to head down to a local bar for some food. I was surprised to see there were real girls there I could talk to, and it cost me a lot less per minute. But for some reason they didn't want to keep talking about how "hot" I was making them.

5. Debbie S, Takoma Park, MD: My Kindle died 8 hours into the storm, and I was almost finished with the latest John Grisham novel. But a neighbor said she knew someone with the analog version and got it for me (a "boook" is what I think they call it). It was too thick to fit in my handbag, and I couldn't adjust the backlight, but it worked reasonably well in a pinch. Maybe I could take it to the beach.

6. Donna L, Alexandria: I couldn't get to the gym for nearly a week. But I worked out a regimen that gave me a good workout for my lats, deltoids, biceps and core. You grab a snow shovel, bend over, pick up a load of snow with the shovel, then throw it over your right shoulder, then on the next pass you throw it over your left shoulder. You can really feel the burn after a while -- all it needed was some good loud disco music.

Obama Strikes Nuanced Tone in SOTU Address

2010-01-29T19:07:00.000-08:00

My Fellow Americans:

The State of the Union is strong. And under dire threat. You are burdened with growing unemployment, foreclosures, Islamist terrorism, and the "entertainment" division of NBC. But never have I been so hopeful about the future of our country. And angry. Angry and hopeful, because I feel that you are angry. And I understand that anger, the kind of anger that arises when the bankers on Wall Street are taking home big bonuses to their trophy wives while the hardworking American taxpayer, whose tax dollars saved Wall Street from disaster, is fighting just to keep his home and can't even dream of trading up from his first wife since she is the only one who still has a job. But the American people did not elect me to point fingers. You elected me because I could correctly pronounce "nuclear"and because I had no discernible "Negro dialect."

But I understand your frustration. You wonder why politicians in Washington no longer seem able to tackle the important problems facing this country and enact common sense solutions. To ensure you have health care while reducing the role of government in your lives. To make sure everyone can afford to go to college WITHOUT adding to government spending. To keep us safe from people who set their underwear on fire AND to end the endless war on terror. For too long in Washington, the system has favored those who take only one side in these political arguments. The pundits award "points" to those argue that one policy is "better" than another, This is nothing but the tired old thinking of the past. I came to Washington to change those ways of doing business. To show that someone who was super smart and cooler in a suit than any man since Sam Cooke could cut through the arguments over small government vs. large government and instead understand that what we needed was a smallish large government. Or a largish small government. But just because now both the right and the left are united in opposing me doesn't mean I am going to be drawn into their old battles. I am going to continue to strive for the same kind of common sense solutions that you demand. Thus, I am proposing a 7 point plan:

1. I promise for every war I escalate I will wind down a different war.

2. We will confront unsustainable and wasteful cost of health care AND make sure nothing will impede your ability to get whatever test or treatment you, your 13 doctors, or your drug companies and device makers might think is best for you (or them).

3. We will recognize the need for fundamental reform to a dysfunctional health care system but make sure we don't change anything for those of you who are ok with things as they are.

4. One year ago everyone agreed that a massive stimulus plan was essential to avert another Depression. But now that the economy has gone from "life-support" to "critically ill" and my poll numbers are dropping, it is clear that we need to reign in government spending. But we will take care that we don't restrain it so much that we stop stimulating the economy. "Restrained stimulus", I call it.

5. We will not shy away from the critical need to stem global warming and to create a new generation of green jobs. But we understand that sensible offshore oil exploration is the best ways to keep fuel prices low enough so you can afford to drive your SUVs.

6. I have asked the military to end "don't ask don't tell" which treats our gay servicemen and women as second-class citizens. But I respect that gay marriage is also a threat to the "first class" status of our heterosexual population.

7. And finally, I will continue to reach out to Republicans, so that together we can find bipartisan solutions to all the problems that 8 years of disastrous Republican rule have left me.

These ideas aren't "Democrat" ideas or "Republican ideas" but "your ideas" -- and I know how smart and sensible you are because you elected me.

I know that times are hard for many Americans. For people like Mary Pesknecker in Allentown PA who wrote to tell me how her community has been devastated ever since the factory that once supplied "Truck Nuts" for the entire nation moved offshore for cheaper labor. Or John Suisham in Coral Beach, who lost his house to foreclosure and now must go down to the library to view on-line pornography. But I also know that America has never been a nation of quitters. We didn't quit in that cold winter in Valley Forge when General Washington said "Let's roll." The brave men of the US Army didn't turn back on the beaches of Normandy when they were met by a withering hail of German bullets. And we didn't quit when Paula left "Idol". So I say to my Democratic colleagues: We still have the largest majorities any party has had in 40 years. And the American people expect us to lead. To solve our problems. So let's get it done. Let's get it done. Call me when you are finished. God bless America.

Back and Forth over Palin Continues

2010-01-16T09:12:00.001-08:00

The release of several new books on the 2008 campaign has reignited the war of words regarding the failed McCain-Palin campaign. The latest involved the assertion, in the recent "60 Minutes" interview with McCain campaign head Steve Schmidt, that Governor Palin had told staffers that she believed her nomination was part of God's plan. In an unprecedented move, the Almighty authorized sources to speak on his behalf to deny direct involvement in her selection. "Frankly, He was as shocked as anyone by her selection. He had never even heard of her," said an archangel speaking under a request of anonymity out of fear of retribution by Palin supporters. It actually turns out that a benign Heavenly mix-up may have been behind the selection of the then-Alaska Governor. "Look, to be honest, the job of managing the Republican campaigns was given to one of our demoted archangels. Ever since the Republicans tried to screw up God's plans for Terri Schiavo, the Almighty has viewed that assignment as a way to punish under-performing staff - kind of like getting placed on the Kyrgyzstan desk at the State Department," said the source. "And the angel remembered "popular Governor", "snowmobiling", "problem solver" and somehow confused Palin with Pawlenty. Believe me, we were all pretty red-faced." According to the source, the decision of the Almighty to go on record was furthered by His annoyance at Palin's recent statements that she might re-enter politics if God "showed her the open door" someday. "Look, he's the Almighty, not some two-bit bellhop in a uniform. He is out there smiting His enemies, not managing the careers of second-rate political pundits. " In an unrelated vein, the Archangel mentioned "the Almighty really wishes Pat Robertson would shut his pie-hole. He would have shut Pat up Himself, if you know what I mean, but He is still in tense negotiations with Lucifer about who would have to take Pat when he dies."

Tearful Admission of Performance Enhancing Drug Use

2010-01-13T19:08:00.001-08:00

Dallas -- One day after slugger Mark McGwire tearfully admitted to using steroids, another confession concerning performance-altering drug use rocked the political world. In a long and rambling interview with Fox News' Chris Wallace, former President George W. Bush admitted that he had been under the influence of "Conservative Hatred for Effective Nonpartisan Intervention" (also known as CHENIs) throughout his 8 year administration. "It is now time to come clean and admit what many have long suspected. Throughout my eight years as President I regularly used CHENIs. I sincerely apologize to the public, I am sorry I ever took CHENI and I wish I had never governed in the CHENI era." Viewers had long suspected that CHENI use was at the root of the Presidents record-breaking string of policy failures, but to date Bush had claimed he achieved his failures without outside help -- going so far as to answer critics with a pointed "I'm the decider." Despite his admissions, the President stopped short of admitting that he could not have failed as badly without the assistance of CHENI. "Look, I first started relying on them when I thought I needed some strength after 9/11. But I screwed up while I was taking CHENIs and I screwed up when I was off them. CHENIs alone don't give you the lack of skills necessary to be one of the worst Presidents. That requires the monumental incuriosity, relying on "gut" decisions vs. thoughtfulness, and a stubborn refusal to acknowledge the failings of your loyal allies." Bush pointed out that one of his most famous domestic failures -- the post-Katrina response --had no relation to to CHENI use. Still, critics were only partially mollified. "I am glad he is trying to put this behind him," noted the NY Times' Frank Rich. "But I think he will always have an asterisk next to his name when the list of the worst executives is made up. There is no question CHENI use helped him launch an unnecessary war, keep an incompetent Defense Secretary, alienate allies, condone torture and push through harmful tax cuts. I think there he certainly could have been a pretty bad President without CHENI but we will never know if he could have achieved his monumental failures all on his own. The legacy of Millard Fillmore is still safe."

Wife of Tiger Woods Rescues Young Woman

2009-12-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

Los Angeles --- Elin Nordegren, the wife of champion golfer Tiger Woods, was reported by her publicist to have helped rescue a young woman from near asphyxiation late Tuesday night. Police in Los Angeles reported that they had been called to the home of Jaimee Grubbs , a cocktail waitress whose long-running affair with Mr. Woods was reported in US Weekly. Police records noted that officers encountered a bruised and dazed Ms. Grubbs, suffering injuries to her face and scalp, and an agitated Ms. Nordegren. According to a statement posted on the TigerWoods.com website, the incident occurred when Ms. Nordegren, stopping at the home of Ms. Grubbs to pay a social call, thought she smelled a gas leak. "Thinking quickly, " the statement notes, "she retrieved a baseball bat from her car, broke down the front door, smashed a plate glass window to provide ventilation and then pulled the barely conscious Ms. Grubbs by her hair to safety.” The statement continued, “Ms. Nordegren had to arouse the young woman by scratching her deeply on the face and neck before summoning the police by setting fire to Ms. Grubbs BMW.” This marks the second time in a week that Ms. Nordegren exhibited quick thinking to come to the aid of others. Over the weekend she used a golf club to break both rear windows of her husband’s SUV in what her spokesman described as a daring attempt to pull her husband from the front seat of his car after he dented it in an early morning accident outside his Florida estate. Ms. Grubbs appeared awed by the selfless heroics of her rescuer. She was overheard telling the police “Keep her away from me. That bitch is CRAZY.” Spokesman for CalGas reported they are continuing to search for a possible source for a gas leak.

In a related story, Tiger Woods announced that he was withdrawing from the California golf tournament scheduled to benefit the Tiger Woods Foundation. “I truly regret not being able to participate, but I am headed to Kandahar to personally join in the surge of troops being ordered to Afghanistan by President Obama.” According to friends, Mr. Woods felt he needed some peace and quiet after the events of the past week.

Paln and Oprah Interview

2009-11-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

Although the interview won't air until next Tuesday, details of Sarah Palin's interview have leaked to the press. Here is Part 1:

Oprah: Welcome, Governor Palin. I am so excited to have you on on my show.

Palin: Well, gosh, it is great to be with you. Just two strong, working women having a heart-to-heart talk.

Oprah: Yes, one of whom has been doing her job for 15 years without quitting.

Palin: And the other of whom has been a size 6 since college.

Oprah: But I hear you have been working, on a book, Going Rogue. Tell me about it.

Palin: Well, it's the story of a young woman from the American heartland who was following a traditional path -- marrying her high school sweetheart, having kids -- when one day she just got fed up with the Old Boy system in politics and the corruption and all, and she decided, gosh, maybe what politics needs is a little more of the common sense that small-town America seems to teach. Of course, the elites try to take her down a notch because she won't play by the Old Boy rules.

Oprah: So it's fiction?

Palin: No, the only fiction is all those lies the left-wing media make up about Todd and me.

Oprah: I might make it an Oprah Book Club. Make it a best seller.

Palin: Thanks Oprah, but it's been number 1 on Amazon since August.

Oprah: Well, you might reach a new audience. People who have actually read a book before.

Palin: And your readers might learns something about real Americans.

Oprah: Girl, you do NOT want to go there. But I am always looking for something inspirational. Does your book feature child soldiers who commit atrocities in Africa? That was last week's pick. Or maybe an obese girl from who has been raped by her father and is abused by her mother? I produced that movie, "Precious".

Palin: Goodness no. All I did with my dad was learn to hunt and fish.

Oprah: Hunting animals? Oh, that sounds so depressing! So what books are you reading?

Palin: Oh, you know.... All of them.

Oprah: Name one

Palin: There you go with your "gotcha journalism." (laughs). Actually, Bristol and I really liked the Twilight series.

Oprah: Well, Levi does remind me more and more of a Vampire every day.

Palin: Yes, but I really liked that in Twilight he couldn't touch her (laughs).

Oprah: How about the classics? We did Anna Karenina by the Russian writer Leo Tolstoy earlier in the year. Have you read War and Peace?

Palin: Well, I am interested in national security issues, and of course I know a lot about Russia. After all, I ...

Oprah: I know, I know... You can see it from your house.

Palin: Actually, that was Tina Fey. I was going to say I watched Red Dawn 5 times with Todd.

Tomorrow, Oprah and Sarah discuss "living your best life."

Protesters Decry Washington Leadership

2009-11-05T21:11:00.000-08:00

Washington, DC: The angry mood of the public was on display today as hundreds of sign-wielding protesters marched to decry the failure of leadership in Washington. According to Bob Smeldenburg, an accountant from Centreville, "I think we are really in crisis. They keep telling us things will get better, but they keep getting steadily worse." Mary Nelson, a housewife from suburban Maryland chimed in, "To think how much I hoped for change last fall. I feel like a fool. The whole group, from the top guy and his inner team -- they are in way over their head." A kindly looking grandfather from DC weighed in" "We aren't your typical protesters. But they are destroying something I have been proud of my whole life. You can only take so much. And now they want to imply we are a tiny noisy minority. Well, if they think this week was a wakeup call, wait until you see what happens next week. When they lose to the Falcons and Broncos it could get really ugly." At that they turned and resumed their chant. "We want our Redskins Back! Snyder Must Go!"

Nobel Awards Surprise Public

2009-10-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

Stockholm -- In a stunning announcement, the Nobel Prize Committee today awarded the 2009 Nobel Prizes for Literature, Chemistry and Medicine to Barack Obama. This followed the surprising award Friday of the Nobel Peace Prize to the young American President, which provoked criticism that his accomplishments to date didn't justify the honor. In awarding the Literature Prize, the committee noted "his impressive body of work exploring the timeless and worldwide themes of what it is like to be Barack Obama.” The award for Medicine recognized “his tireless commitment over more than 6 months (including a very busy vacation and trips to Denmark) to extend the right of health care to more Americans without alienating the insurance industries, pharmaceutical companies, or hospital associations, and while trying hard to win the broad bipartisan support of Olympia Snowe." The award for chemistry was perhaps the most surprising, as there is no record that Obama ever studied chemistry in high school or in college. The award however, praised him for “advancing chemistry by not being George W. Bush”. In other developments, the North Koreans expressed their displeasure at the failure of leader Kim Jung Il to get the prize, for the tenth year running, by launching long range missile tests into the Straits of Taiwan and posting offers of enriched uranium on Ebay.

Partisan Outburst Interrups Speech

2009-09-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. -- January 28, 2011

The polarized politics of Washington erupted again yesterday during President Barack Obama’s State of the Union Address, just two years after he promised to change the culture of partisanship in the town. The speech was interrupted suddenly when , during a passage where he implored Republicans to join him on immigration reform, the 6- member Republican delegation from Alabama rose, turned and dropped their trousers. Congressional historians report it was the first incident of intentional "mooning" in the halls of Congress as most other cases of Congressman without their pants have occurred behind closed doors.

Democratic response was swift, if not entirely to the liking of the President. While New York Sen. Chuck Schumer climbed over seats to put a headlock on Alabama Sen. Richard Shelby, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel grabbed the microphone and, gesturing to Republicans, shouted, “Do you want to go? Do you WANT TO GO?!! Bring it on, you pussies. I will fuck you up!" The speech was further interrupted 10 minutes later by the sound of explosions, which turned out to be mortar fire landing in the Capitol Reflecting Pool. Those responsible, members of the "Tea Party" movement led by former Congressman Dick Armey, proclaimed they were simply expressing their Second Amendment rights to launch heavy ordnance in public spaces, but fellow Republican Sen. John McCain called the incident "highly inappropriate" in an interview later on Larry King. In the morning aftermath, both sides were claiming political advantage from the fracas. Alabama Republicans reported they had raised $38.7 million dollars in the 24 hours following the incident from the coalition of conservative groups known as "Kill the Commie Faggots". Several of their Democratic opponents claimed that they had raised an even greater amount through an on-line effort coordinated by the left-leaning group "Don't Forget How Much Bush Sucked" .

Proponents of bipartisanship expressed dismay over a trend of increasing rancor which they trace back to an event in September 2009 when South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe Wilson interrupted Obama's health care address by shouting "You lie!" Despite Wilson's quick apology for the outburst, six months later Georgia Congressman Sonny "Buddy" Johnson, Jr. interrupted the 2010 State of the Union, shouting “Bite Me!” in response to Obama's offer to join Republicans to combat teen pregnancy. Delaware Rep. Mike Castle, the sole remaining Republican moderate, decried the change. "I don't think this kind of behavior is good for the country. Why, when I first arrived in Congress, I wouldn't have dreamed of having to have an armed security detail going between my office and the House floor. But between the "Club for Growth" and "MoveOn.org" I have already lost two Chiefs of Staff to small arms fire."

Obama Speech to High School Criticized for "Socialist Agenda""

2009-09-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Right-wing critics continue to attack President Obama's address to Wakefield High School in Arlington, VA tomorrow, pointing to numerous places in the released text where he is pushing "an extremist socialist agenda. (Spoiler alert -- this includes ACTUAL excerpts from the text released by the White House)

The President: Hello everyone – how’s everybody doing today? I’m here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. Why did Obama choose the only place in Virginia where you still can't legally carry a loaded firearm? Obama wants to take away your guns! -- Wayne LaPierre, NRA And we’ve got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I’m glad you all could join us. Now just stare into the camera so he can hypnotize you into joining his personality cult -- Michele Malkin

Some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could’ve stayed in bed just a little longer this morning. I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia He was BORN there! Show us the birth certificate! -- Lou Dobbs for a few years, and my mother didn’t have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school So she sent him to a madrassa where he learned to be a Muslim terrorist !-- Sean Hannity.

So she decided to teach me extra lessons herself, Monday through Friday – at 4:30 in the morning. Now I wasn’t too happy about getting up that early. Obama hated getting up. Who made him get up? His WHITE mother! No wonder Obama hates all white people. -- Glenn Beck.

We can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. But you won't be able to listen to your Grandparents because Obama wants to pull the plug on them -- Rep. John Boehner

Every single one of you has something you’re good at. Every single one of you has something to offer. And you have a responsibility to yourself to discover what that is. Isn't it creepy that this is almost the exact language that Lenin and Hitler used when indoctrinating the masses ? -- Rush Limbaugh

Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write for a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. Then you can join the left-wing media and make up lies about Republicans -- John McCain

And no matter what you want to do with your life – I guarantee that you’ll need an education to do it. You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? Draft dodger! Draft dodger! Oh wait, that was Clinton. Never mind. -- Oliver North

You’ll need the knowledge and problem-solving skills you learn in science and math to cure diseases like cancer and AIDS, and to develop new energy technologies and protect our environment. Global warming is a myth foisted on us by environmental terrorists! -- Sen. James Inhofe

You’ll need the insights and critical thinking skills you gain in history and social studies to fight poverty and homelessness, crime and discrimination, and make our nation more fair and more free. Why does he talk about critical thinking and not faith? More fair? Why does Obama hate America? -- Mitt Romney

I got a lot of second chances and had the opportunity to go to college, and law school, and follow my dreams. Michelle has a similar story. Neither of her parents had gone to college, and they didn’t have much. But they worked hard, and she worked hard, so that she could go to the best schools in this country. Elitists! I got a great education from each of the five colleges I attended and none were Ivy League -- Sarah Palin

But the truth is, being successful is hard. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try. That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. Why does he always have to bash Bush ?-- Bill O'Reilly

So I expect you to get serious this year. I expect you to put your best effort into everything you do. I expect great things from each of you. So don’t let us down – don’t let your family or your country or yourself down. Make us all proud. I know you can do it. And together we can build a socialist paradise here in the US -- Heil Obama! -- Michael Savage

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.

Republicans Release Healthcare Bill of Rights

2009-08-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

Hello. I am Michael Steele, Chairman of the Republican Party. This summer I stopped spouting off crazy stuff long enough to conduct a series of conversations about healthcare with my fellow citizens. This led us to lay out a Republican set of principles, to contrast with the socialistic plan my homie President Obama has been proposing (Or "layin' down" , as we say in the hood).

1. The government shall not interfere in medical decisions, which should solely be determined in private discussions between a patient and his or her insurance company. Their highly trained staff (who have studied for months if not occasionally years) will know whether you really need that gallbladder surgery your doctor recommended or whether a dose of antacids will do just as well.

2. No decision is more sensitive than choosing what care we would want should we become incapacitated and no longer able to decide for ourselves. Such discussions should be conducted in privacy between family members and cable news shows. Painful decisions about when to withdraw care should be left to those closest to the affected patient, such as former Congressman Tom Delay and Republican members of Congress.

3. Individuals need to take more responsibility for their own health. People who are too poor to afford insurance should not get sick. And if you do have insurance, but have a costly condition such as cancer, for God's sake don't risk your job by skipping out all the time for yet another "chemotherapy" session. Hey, we'd all like an excuse to go sit in a nce big lounge chair for a few hours but work comes first.

4. America has the best and most innovative insurance companies in the world. They make huge investments discovering new ways to deny claims, discoveries which make them the envy of insurance companies the world over. Do we really want to risk our world leadership in this area with frivolous regulations on these companies, such as requiring them to use the premiums they collect to pay for actual health care for sick people?

5. Controlling costs will require that we all become more knowledgeable consumers of health care. Republican reform proposals will make it easier for you to comparison shop to choose that hospital which provides the best combination of price and quality (we have even developed an app for your I-phone you can consult during your ambulance ride). But don't forget to include the costs for OR suite, perfusionist and anesthesiologist when pricing out your bypass surgery.

6. Requiring insurance companies to compete against a publicly funded option is unfair. Such a plan would provide such inferior care that it would kill people right and left and it would be so popular that it would put private insurers out of business. Imagine if our best universities had to compete against government-funded colleges.

7. People who cite the fact that the U.S. ranks last amongst Western countries in infant mortality and life-expectancy are using statistics selectively. The American health care leads the world in numerous other areas: health care spending, drug prices, health care profits, number of uninsured and most important, political contributions from health care organizations. Do we really want to risk all that just so everyone has access to health care? Isn't the waiting room already full enough at the doctor's office?

I recall one conversation I had with a constituent. She told me her family had lost their health insurance when her husband got laid off, and she spends all her time praying her diabetic son doesn't get sick. Well, I think it is something to celebrate that this health care debate has brought us back to prayer, spending time with family and appreciating what is really important. God Bless!

Karl Rove Decries Iran Elections

2009-06-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

Karl Rove weighed in yesterday to criticize the announced re-election for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad as a "sham". "Here we have a world leader who portrays himself as just a 'regular guy' while pandering to the worst nationalistic and militaristic elements in his country," noted the former political strategist for George W. Bush. "His party criticizes the opposition as unpatriotic while appealing to the most extreme religious conservative elements, and urging rural voters to be suspicious of the educated, urban electorate. When questions are raised about the fairness of the election, rather than supporting a full and complete recount of all the votes, he proposes that a council of judges, many handpicked by the very same party, can decide the election. Why, this is the biggest mockery of democracy since ... whoops, never mind. "

In a further sign that there may have been major irregularities in the Iranian election, BBC reported that in Tehran, a hotbed of support for the opposition leader Mir Hussein Moussavi, a confusing ballot apparently led 15% of voters to cast their ballot for Ralph Nader.

World Warms to Susan Boyle Story

2009-06-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

The story of Susan Boyle, a shy, frumpy resident of a small Scottish village who became an international sensation after her performance on a British televisions talent show spread across the Internet, continues to captivate the public in the UK and the US. The recent news that she had checked into a clinic citing "exhaustion" has further heartened American viewers. "It's so easy today to assume you have to be a beautiful celebrity to have your life ruined by media attention," said fan Cheryl Teesdale. "I used to dream of being Britney Spears, shaving my head, and having paparazzi stalk me in the grocery store but deep down I knew those dreams were out of my reach," said the overweight housewife from Trenton. "But Susan Boyle proved you don't have to be gorgeous for the media to invade your life so completely that you flip out. I think it is an inspiration for all us average people." Others in the media agreed. "I think the lesson of Susan Boyle," said one television executive, "is that anyone, no matter how old they are or where they live, as long as they really believe in their dream, can live to see that dream come true and then turned completely upside down and torn apart in front of millions of viewers. It is so damn heartwarming I almost tear up."

Republicans Tap Reagan Statue To Lead Party

2009-06-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

In an unexpected shakeup, Republicans announced today that the bronze statue of Ronald Reagan, unveiled today in the Capitol, will replace gaffe-prone Michael Steele as head of the Republican Party. Since the election of President Obama, Republicans have searched unsuccessfully for a leader who can galvanize the party around a new message. Unfortunately, the message of Party Chairman Steele was often overshadowed by repeated gaffes brought on by his off-the-cuff style. He alternately criticized Rush Limbaugh, endorsed choice on abortion, then had to apologize for both, before denying global warming and likening Obama to Nixon. Republican insiders have grown uncomfortable as they watched Limbaugh and unpopular ex-Vice President Dick Cheney become de facto leaders of the party in the absence of a clearer message. "We are excited that Reagan has returned to lead the party," said one party insider, who spoke anonymously for fear of offending other Republican statues nearby in the Rotunda, including that of Teddy Roosevelt. "This statue embodies all the steadfast qualities we need in a leader -- and talk about gravitas -- he weighs 5 tons! " he noted. Another Republican noted, "The statue will continue what Reagan was so good at -- going over the heads of the media (literally) directly to the people." Other insiders speculated the statue may also be in line to replace Rep. John Boehner as minority leader of house Republicans. "For one thing," noted a fellow Congressman. "Reagan's statue has a more lifelike skin color than Rep. Boehner."

Ramirez Crafts New Style of Apology

2009-05-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

Baseball star Manny Ramirez recent apology for using a banned substance introduced a new variant to the "famous person apology" library - a statement that mixes appearances of accepting responsibility while shifting blame. According to Manny:
Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I've taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.
We thought other public miscreants would have been well-served to adopt his technique:

John Edwards: Recently, I engaged a young woman to create videos for my campaign. She also provided additional services which she thought were ok to give me, since I was "totally hot". Unfortunately, this violated the policy of my wife Elizabeth against having other women bear my children. According to Oprah, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing -- for Chrissakes, I'm a TORT LAWYER. Do you think the only people I screw over are doctors and corporations?

Bernie Madoff: Over the past 10 years, I collected large sums of money from investors for a business proposition. I followed a plan that I believed would have been ok, provided the laws of mathematics and those of the SEC were repealed at the same time. Unfortunately, it turns out that people who invest money with an investment firm expect that money to be put into actual investments and not the Manhattan co-ops of the investment adviser. According to the judge, that mistake is now my responsibility. I do want to say one thing, however -- Lochaim!

Bill Clinton: Some time ago I consulted a zaftig young intern for a personal issue. We engaged in activity (not intercourse) that she thought would be ok, given that I was President and married to a certified "scrotum-shrinker". Unfortunately, it turns out that such activity was banned under our wedding vows. According to Hillary, that mistake is now my responsibility. Although millions of my wife's supporters wish I would just shut up, I do want to say one other thing: over the thirty years of my marriage, I have been faithful for many long stretches (months if not occasionally years).

George W. Bush: Recently, I consulted my Vice-President on issues of national security. On his advice, I followed a series of policies that he thought would would be good for me, my party and the US. Unfortunately, these plans turned out to be disastrous for all three. According to the rules of history, those mistakes are now my responsibility. While I have been advised to stay quiet until my book deal is signed, I do want to note one thing: I think a serious review of our records will reveal that I was a way better President than Millard Filmore and almost as good as that guy who caught pneumonia at his Inauguration and died after less than 3 months in office.

Twitter Launches Service for Seniors

2009-04-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

The founders of the popular service Twitter have launched a new application aimed solely at seniors. Named Geezer, the service will allow older men and women to trade 140-character messages to stay in close touch with their family and people in their age group. "This is a great way for people to link to with others who share their world view, including those who know that Benny Goodman wasn't that banker indicted for mortgage securities fraud," said Geezer CEO Todd Franz. To show the many ways seniors are using this service, he let me look at a sample feed of exchanged messages (note: the user names have been altered to protect privacy):

Brklyn43 just felt that twinge again. The one in my arm when I raise it like this. I should take maybe some Advil but then I need to eat something and my stomach is not so good

JohnMPeters is looking for my glasses. I know I had them when I got up but they aren't in the bathroom or by my reading table. Maybe the kitchen. I was reading the paper

JoanOsborn saw a great movie last night with that young actress who is the daughter of that actress -- you know the one who was in that movie 5 years ago with that Woody Allen woman

MaryGreen'31 is STILL waiting for my kids to call. You would think that the odds that at least one out of 5 children would remember to call their mother on

PaulInPetersburg IS WONDERING WHY MY MESSAGES ALL COME OUT IN CAPS. Oh - never mind

MaryGreen'31 thinks they should not count spaces among the 140 characters. And is STILL WAITING for one of my kids to call.

ArtyinPhilly would like to order a pastrami sandwich. Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

JoanOsborn remembers it was Goldie Hawn with the Woody Allen lady - not Mia Farrow, the earlier one -- anyway her daughter Kate Something was very funny in the movie last night

PalmSprings222 wants those damn kids to get off his lawn like I told them to yesterday.

JohnMPeters found his glasses and remembered I needed them to find my car keys. I always put them by the door but they are not there. Maybe on my dresser.

White House Releases New Classification Scheme for Recessions

2009-03-11T19:44:00.001-07:00

Before departing office, President George W. Bush characterized the slumping economy as "Wall Street got drunk ... and now it's got a hangover." Recognizing that a "hangover" may not sufficiently capture our dire economic situation, the White House Council of Economic Advisors has released official colloquial descriptions to classify different levels of economic downturns.

Market Correction (10% fall in NYSE) -- "drank tee-many martoonis" . Time to recovery: 1 month

Bear Market (prolonged 20 % drop in NYSE) -- "got plastered at Polynesian Restaurant and slept through your final exam in Economics" . Time to recovery: 6 months.

Recession: (Negative economic growth for 2 successive quarters) --- "Downed fifth of Southern Comfort during alumni football weekend. Made a pass at your fiancee's younger sister before puking in living room of your future in-laws." Time to recovery -- 1-2 years

Current situation (rising unemployment, collapse of housing and stock markets, wholesale financial instability) : "Joined beach party in Baja where someone gave you unknown white powder to snort. Woke up in your underwear in Mexican prison with strange burns on your arms and a heavily muscled and tattooed cellmate." Time to recovery: Unknown, but will likely involve years of privation, a newfound devotion to God, and paying large sums of cash to lawyers and other criminals.

Facebook Releases Easy Tool for "De-Friending"

2009-02-28T11:42:00.000-08:00

Dear _________:
It was such a pleasure to reconnect with you on Facebook after losing touch since (a. that crazy night in Cabo; b. our days together at Northwestern; c. sitting next to you in Miss Smedenburg's preschool). I was really amazed to see that you had (a. become a successful lawyer in Washington; b. gotten those front teeth straightened and found Jesus; c. had 5 kids; d. lost all of your curly brown hair). I have enjoyed your frequent postings, especially the (a. Biblical message of the day; b. links to the "Laughing babies" on You Tube; c. screeds about how Obama is selling out the left; d. details of your life insurance business). I have also enjoyed the photos of (a. your children's report cards ; b. you with your local Congressional delegation; c. your vacation to Tuscany; d. the Walk to Raise Awareness for Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Unfortunately, my Friend list is now over 300 and it has become clear that (a. your days of being the "hottest chick" in our dorm are a distant memory; b. you have no useful connections in the Obama Whitehouse; c. you really need to get out more; d. I still have no idea how I know you). I sincerely hope you don't take my need to remove you from my Friend list personally. If you ever visit ________, I would really love the chance to get together, especially if (a. they ever get your medication dose adjusted; b. you lose 100 pounds; c. your probation conditions are loosened).

Your everlasting friend,

Name Here

My Troubled Assets

2009-02-26T19:28:00.000-08:00

Timothy Geithner
Secretary
Department of the Treasury
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Geithner:

I have learned of the Obama Administration plans to create "bad banks" to absorb toxic assets that are causing uncertainty in the financial sector. I herewith am enclosing a list of my troubled assets, including description, date acquired, and acquisition price (including any ongoing liabilities).

Dow 36,000: How to Benefit from the Coming Boom in Stocks. 2/2000, $14.95

500 shares Pets.com 2/2000, $10,000

Flipping Houses for Dummies. 2/2004, $24.95

3 units in Hide-a Wee Vacation Rental Condominiums, Coral Gables, Florida. 3/2004, $390,000

The Bank Director’s Handbook: The Board Member’s Guide to Banking and Bank Management, 9/2004 $39.95

4 BR, 4 Bath Scarsdale estate on 1.5 acres. 11/2004, $3.5 million

1 membership in Westchester Golf Club. $12,000, 3/2005

1 bag Callaway Golf Clubs (great condition, 5 iron slightly dented, with blue paint traces). 7/2005, $6000

Ashley DuPont (assistant golf pro, age 34, great condition). 8/2005, $18,000 (estimated value of gifts, dinners and secret vacations

Structured Products and Related Credit Derivatives: An Investors Guide, 8/2006, $89.95

2007 Chevy Corvette Convertible, blue (damaged front hood) 10/2006, $55,000

The Complete Guide to Protecting Your Financial Security When Getting a Divorce, 12/2006, $16.95

Mrs. Gordon Blauvelt (Age 55, fair condition). Acquired 6/1983, divested 4/2007. Ongoing liabilities: $10,000 per month.

Gordon Blauvelt III, skateboard artist, age 23. Acquired 6/1985, $836,000 (estimated, including 2 years drug rehabilitation and 0.5 years college).

What Color is Your Parachute: A Practical Manual for Job Hunters and Career Changers, 11/2008 $19.95

Basement studio apartment, unfurnished, Scarsdale, NY. 2/2009, $600/month.

The Gift of Simplicity: Discover the Rewards of Simplifying Your Life. 2/2009, $16.95

I look forward to hearing the next steps in your acquisition of these assets, which will greatly increase my ability to participate in future lending.

Sincerely,

Gordon Blauvelt, Jr.
Scarsdale, NY

Obama Team Reaches Out to Comedians

2009-01-22T17:55:00.000-08:00

Late-night comics are mourning the passing of the Bush Administration, which for 8 long years was "the gift that never stopped giving". The Obama Administration today reached out to reassure writers for The Daily Show, Jay Leno and others that the new President doesn't take himself too seriously and doesn't need to be treated with kid gloves by comedians. To this end, the White House released a list of Obama characteristics that would lend themselves to jnightly monologues, and sample jokes featuring them:

1. His ears stick out: What is with Obama's ears? With those ears, he doesn't need a warrant to listen in on other people. Unlike the Bush Administration, however, the Obama administration would never flout the Constitution by tapping American's phone calls without going through the FISA courts.
2. His wife is beautiful: How sexy is Michele Obama? She is so sexy that if Bill Clinton had been married to her, Al Gore would just be finishing his second term in office.
3. People have overly high expectations of him: People sure are expecting a lot from our new President. It's almost as if they think he can single-handedly restore prosperity, solve the Middle East crises, reverse global warming and make Washington sports teams good again -- which of course is ridiculous. I mean, the Wizards, Nats and Redskins are pretty pathetic.
4. He looks funny in shorts: Did you see Obama playing golf in shorts in Hawaii? He was taking a week off between the campaign and the Inauguration. Whereas Bush decided to wait until he WAS President to begin taking time off.
5. He has adorable daughters. Sasha came running into the Oval Office the other day, very upset because she had spilled her drink on the floor. "Daddy, I feel so bad - I made a mess in the White House." "Don't worry honey" said Obama. "That's nothing compared to the guy who used to live here."

Inauguration Diary

2009-01-21T18:00:00.000-08:00

7:20 AM -- We begin provisioning for 4 mile hike into town due to obstacles to other forms of transportation: Metro (60 minute wait as of 4 am), buses (prospect of circling endlessly looking for an approved place to park) or driving (high risk of being taken out by TSA missile strike). Settle 0n 4 layers of clothing and small supply of hand warmers (easily converted into cash in case of emergency). Temperature is 30 Farenheit, or -48 with the wind chill crossing the 14th Street bridge. We manage to reach other side of bridge safely, but only after eating one of our sled dogs.

8:40 AM -- Sidewalk vendors are doing brisk business in all things Obama. Some get a jump on the next Christmas season by offering an Obama creche, complete with baby Obama and "Joseph" Biden and "Mary" Pelosi (first time Mary has been depicted in Armani suits).

9:00 AM -- White suburban Democrats flock to concession "Rent a Friend of Color" so they can better enjoy the feeling of unity provided by the new Administration.

10:30 AM -- Two protesters from some obscure religious group wave signs warning "Homos, sports nuts, porn addicts and Mormons" are damned if they put their faith in Obama rather than Jesus. Evangelical Pastor Rick Warren, giving the invocation, reaches out by pledging his support for full marriage rights for sports nuts.

11:00 AM - FOX commentator Bill O'Reilly remarks how amazing it is to see so many black people crowded together and not rioting.

11:30 AM -- Dick and Lynne Cheney are introduced to a reception similar to that which Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb gets at FedEx (Redskins) Field. Speculation runs rampant as to why he is in a wheelchair. Some assert that he has run low on the supply of blood from young kittens which he requires to power his heart, others that it was a shredding accident. Actually he was injured in death struggle with Obama which was halted only when he reveled to Obama -- "I AM your father".

11:45 AM -- The Navy Master of Ceremonies tries to avoid the possible embarrassment from an unfavorable crowd reception for President Bush by trying to sneak him in along with the new First Family -- "And now, the first daughter SASHA OBAMA and president George W. Bush and MALIA OBAMA. " The ruse is foiled when Sasha and Malia skip rapidly ahead leaving George W. isolated on the large Jumbotrons. Laura reassures her husband that the crowd noise is simply Red Sox fans cheering for Kevin Youklis ("Yoooooouk") who was spotted off in the Purple section.

11:50 AM -- Crowd goes wild for John Rause, the assistant chief of staff for the minority of the subcommittee on Congressional affairs and executive management.

12:00 PM -- President elect Obama is introduced. He runs down the aisle giving high fives to Bill and Hillary and then he and Joe Biden give a leaping "shoulder bump" to each other.

12:05 PM-- Chief Justice John Roberts administers the oath to President-elect Obama. Roberts temporarily throws the President-elect off-stride by citing the oath as "preserve, protect and defend some of the Constitution" before realizing he is reading from the old version he administered to George W. Bush. Sean Hannity asserts that it looks a lot like Obama is taking the oath on a Koran until being informed it is Abraham Lincoln's Bible.

12:10 PM -- President Obama is successfully sworn in. MSNBC is fined by the FCC for publicly broadcasting Chris Matthews' orgasm. The heavens part briefly and spectators swear they hear trumpets until they realize it is just the 42d Air Force band.

1:30 PM -- Parents who have waited in line since dawn in the hopes that Obama will lay hands on and heal their ailing children are disappointed when they are greeted instead by Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee Tom Daschle who offers to enroll them in S-CHIP (expanded health care program for children).

2:30 PM -- Obama makes the ceremonial knock on the front door of the White House. At first, the sergeant-at-arms tries to draw the curtains and pretend no one is home, but eventually is forced to open the door and buy subscriptions to "TV Guide", "Boys Life" and "Popular Science" from the President-elect. A DC squad car pulls up to check out if "everything is all right" and asks Obama for some ID.

3:30 PM -- The inauguration parade finally begins, some 90 minutes late, effectively ending arguments about whether Obama is "black enough".

POST SCRIPT
January 21, 11:00 am

Chief Justice John Roberts re-administers oath of office to Obama in the OvalOffice, after it was revealed that Roberts omitted the language in the Constitution, "Simon says repeat after me..."

Things You May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record

2009-01-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

As part of the attempt to burnish the Bush legacy, the White House has released a pamphlet entitled "100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record" (www:\\Whitehouse.gov). Among the lesser known items:

You may not be aware that the President Bush and his administration:
1. Always insisted its members maintain the highest ethical standards until they resigned, were indicted or wrote a tell-all book.
2. Helped double internet access in Moldovia.
3. Insisted that all Cabinet members, including the President himself, always offer frank, unvarnished advice to VP Cheney.
4. Prevented any U.S. death from major meteorite strikes for 8 years.
5. Personally assigned pet nicknames to 145 Administration staffers and Cabinet members and 82 individual members of the White House press corps.

6. Worked with Jack Abramoff to reduce regulatory barriers to private-public partnerships.
7. Never received oral sex from a White House intern.

8. Is still pursuing "second gunman" theory behind Cheney hunting accident.

9. With only one exception, refused to let Dick Cheney employ his Sith Lord cyborg death grip in Cabinet meetings (and that one time, Paul O'Neill really had it coming).
10. Insisted that each of its Attorneys General hold a law degree from a real accredited law school.
11. Carried on time-honored tradition of incompetent but unindicted Secretaries at HUD.
12. Avoided wars with 582 of 584 (99.6%) independent nations.
13. Remains popular in Turkmenistan

14. During a record-breaking 800 days of vacation, remained thoroughly engaged in the important Administration tasks, including: 6000 miles of mountain-biking; 400 acres of brush-clearing; 400 hours of security briefing; and 4 days of watching an American city drown.

15. Was instrumental in helping elect the Nation's first black President.

Barney Conducting Secret Lobbying Campaign to Stay as White House Dog

2008-12-04T18:06:00.000-08:00

According to White House insiders, President Bush’s Scottish Terrier Barney is engaged in furious back channel negotiations to be allowed to stay on in the position of White House dog in the Administration of newly elected President Barack Obama. Obama’s public promise to get a dog for his two daughters set off heated speculation about what type of dog it would be. It is a safe bet that no-one ever considered Barney, generally considered as one of the last remaining Bush loyalists. According to friends, however, Barney has steadily grown disillusioned with his master starting with the botched Federal response to Katrina, in which many dogs perished. “Basically, I think Barney has gradually recognized that Bush, friend though he is, has been a disastrous President,” said someone close to the terrier. “Remember,” he went on, “Bush picked Barney, not the other way around.” Barney, born in New Jersey and living in D.C. his whole life, has also made clear he has no desire to return with the Bushes to Texas. “Hey, I’m a Scottish terrier,” he once observed. “As in 'cloudy, cool banks of Loch Lomond.' I think 'Crawford' must be Scottish for 'scorching shit-hole'.” He has been making the argument to the transition team that his experience, house training and hypoallergenic fur will give the Obamas one less thing to worry about. “Do you really want a stupid retriever puppy peeing on the Oval Office rug?” observed one backer.

Fight Over Pardoned Turkeys Proceeds to Court

2008-11-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

The two turkeys pardoned by President Bush in the traditional holiday ritual remain caught in a legal limbo 6 days after the White House ceremony announcing that they were being spared their Thanksgiving fate. Lawyers for the turkeys, named May and Flower, have filed a writ with the D.C. District court seeking a prompt release of their clients. The Justice Department, however, continues to claim the right to detain the turkeys indefinitely as unlawful enemy combatants. “The pardon applies solely to the capital charges associated with being a turkey. It was never intended to override the U.S. rights of preventive detention for unlawful combatants.” Lawyers for the turkeys have for months been seeking a habeus corpus hearing to challenge those charges, noting they are based solely of the testimony of the rival barnyard factions who turned the turkeys over to authorities. Said one lawyer, "The leader of the rival clan Henny Penny has a well-documented history of wild claims" (see “Panic Ensues after Report of Falling Sky”, NY Times, May 1989). Further complicating negotiations has been difficulty finding anyone willing to accept the released turkeys. The home farm for the turkeys has refused to take them back for fear they may foment unrest among the remaining turkeys. “No turkey has ever returned from the “Truck to the Promised Land” that arrives every November, said Red Barnston, owner of the farm. “It could cause complete havoc.”

Obama Choice of HUD Secretary Astounds Public

2008-11-25T17:23:00.000-08:00

In a bold move that took both supporters and critics by surprise, President-elect Barack Obama nominated outgoing President George W. Bush to the position of Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. Although some saw it as an extreme example of Obama following the Lincoln strategy of assembling a “team of rivals” in his Cabinet, the actual motivations appear more mundane. First, Democratic activists were increasingly worried about being able to hold their coalition together without having Bush to criticize. Putting him in charge of the Agency that has been caught flat-footed by the housing bubble guarantees an unlimited supply of news stories and Congressional hearings to continually remind the public that everything that goes wrong is still Bush's fault. Second, the housing market is so thoroughly damaged that there is little risk that Bush could make it any worse. Finally, HUD has officially been designated as the holding area for officials who are awaiting indictment. Previous HUD Secretary under George W. Bush, Alphonso Jackson, resigned in May of this year amid charges that he used his influence to steer lucrative work to a Philadelphia business partner. Henry Cisneros, HUD Secretary under Bill Clinton, served under the cloud of a special prosecutor investigation of payments he made to a former mistress. Finally, Samuel Pierce, HUD secretary under Ronald Reagan, escaped indictment but presided over a scandal-ridden agency where programs of rent-subsidies were widely abused to support political contributors. Said one Obama insider, “I think the President–elect felt it was important to show that mismanaging HUD isn’t just a minority thing.”

Democrats Demand al Qaeda Apology

2008-11-23T16:41:00.000-08:00

Democratic leaders reacted angrily today to a new 11 minute video released by al Qaeda, in which their second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri, heaps abuse on president elect Barack Obama, calling him a “house slave”. Senate leader Harry Reid demanded an immediate apology, saying it was “pathetic” that the organization was resorting to the "race card." “I think this is a sign of desperation, “ said Reid. “As is blowing yourself up. Neither offer real solutions to the problems of middle class Muslim’s.” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi demanded that al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden repudiate al-Zawahiri’s comments. “It is outrageous to engage in the politics of personal destruction. Not to mention actual personal destruction. We are steamed about that, too” said Pelosi. “The voters have been clear they want solutions, not more of the same jihad.” Obama advisers blame the new al Qaeda strategy on Republican strategists, who may have sought work advising the al Qaeda campaign after their November defeat. “This is a page straight out of Karl Rove’s playbook,’” said David Axelrod, political manager of the Obama campaign. At least one Al Qaeda operative had endorsed John McCain in the Presidential contest, and the traditional values platform of the fundamenatlist Muslim group resonates with some conservative Republicans. But rumors of a Rove-Zawihiri link accelerated when, later in the new video, al Zawhiri is seen to warn his listeners that "the American infidels will ban prayer in your madrassas, take away your AK-47s, and raise the taxes on your goats.”

RNC Releases Inventory of Palin Clothes

2008-11-21T18:42:00.000-08:00

Juneau -- The Republican National Committee today released its long-awaited inventory of Sarah Palin's clothes, seeking to end a month long furor over reports that it had spent $150,000 on designer clothes for the Vice-Presidential nominee. Spokesman Todd Burnham noted that the document released today was compiled by the Alaska Governor and her family in response to an RNC request to document which items in her wardrobe were purchased by the RNC for the campaign and would therefore be donated to charity. The notations are those of Gov. Palin and have not been verified yet by independent auditors.

Cream Valentino jacket – size 8 – Bought by RNC. Donate

6 pair girls’ underwear saying “True Love Waits” – these are Bristol’s. Keep

“I’d Tap That” T shirt (oil derrick logo), brown, size M – this belongs to John. Return

4 White T shirts – “I’m with stupid” – Nicole Wallace ordered these for my staff – please discard.

Red Manolo pumps, size 7 – I have already had these resoled with Vibram soles. Keep

Women’s underwear, embroidered with “Drill, Baby, Drill” – gift from Todd. Keep

Flyer’s Hockey Jacket, with mustard stains – gift. Note to self: No more hockey gigs without checking local voter registration. The Philadelphia owner must have been the only Republican in that crowd.

Camouflage pattern nightgown – gift from Todd. Keep

4 silk Hermes scarves – I am pretty sure the Wasilla town council gave me these when I was elected Governor. Keep

2 pair white long underwear – Not sure how these got here – Return to Mitt.

Kevlar bustier – gift from NRA. Keep

Dashiki size 44 – Todd bought this for his Jeremiah Wright Halloween outfit (please remove tube of “black face paint” from pocket). Keep

Apron with logo -- “A women’s place is in the House (and in the Senate)” – gift from Alaska Republicans – Please donate to charity (damn you, Mark Begich)

GOP Seeks Bailout Protection

2008-11-17T17:12:00.000-08:00

The national Republican Party has filed an application to the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP), the Federal bailout program in charge of rescuing failing banking and insurance industries. According to the filing, the GOP's ability to obtain credit in the public marketplace has "completely frozen up" , according to one analyst. Their troubles were brought on by a series of bad investments over the past 8 years, including seriously over-leveraging their investments in the war on terror, deregulation and "conservative Christian values", all of which are trading at all-time lows.

The request for a bailout has caused a strong debate in economic circles. Some feel that without fundamental restructuring of the GOP, a bailout will simply delay the inevitable declaration of intellectual bankruptcy. "Look," noted one analyst, "they keep hoping the models that sold well in the 1980's will make a come back. They haven't updated their basic design and styling to create a package that meets the needs of the American consumer." The GOP did create a temporary buzz at the 2008 summer autoshow with their radical concept car, the Palin, a stylish gas guzzler, but consumers turned on it after a number of highly publicized accidents raised questions about it's basic safety and durability. Foreign competition, incuding the U.K. -made Cameron, has generally outperformed the American models in the conservative marketplace.

Auto Industry Plans New Incentives

2008-11-15T07:01:00.000-08:00

The US auto industry, working with Democratic supporters in Congress, is developing a series of new incentives to try to lure reluctant car-buyers back to the showrooms. Auto sales have fallen off a cliff during the recent slowdown, but automakers hope the following new offerings will help boost sales:

The Yes We Can package: Buy a new 2009 Toyota Prius and get your picture taken with the new President-elect. Note: depending on travel schedule, White House reserves option of substituting Joe Biden or Rahm Emanuel. Car comes pre-equipped with "1-20-09: End of an Error" bumpersticker and with XM radio pretuned to Tavis Smiley and "Democracy Now".

The Testosterone package: You no longer need a Hummer to make up for feelngs of masculine inadequacy. Each 2009 Chrysler 300 comes with 3 UAW "enforcers" who will ride with you where-ever you go. Their scowling visages will sends a clear message to nearby drivers that you are not a man to mess with.

The Home and Hearth package -- The first 5000 buyers of a 2009 Town and Country minivan will get their pick of any foreclosed properties within a 100 mile radius. Added advantage -- the easy fold-down seats in the Town and Country make this minivan a comfy and roomy shelter should the previous property owners manage to work out that refinancing deal with their bank .

The Bringing Home the Bacon package -- Reluctant to buy a car because you just got laid off? No worries! Buy a new 2009 Chevy Malibu and get a free 2 year lease on a cubicle at a vacant office park. Comes with free phone, parking, and a realistic looking packet of monthly pay-stubs from "Dynotechnitron Industries". Your family will be none the wiser as you head off to your new "job" each morning in your slick new ride.

The "Millenial" Package: Convinced that the election of a black President and the stock-market collapse are a sign of the "end times"? Why not await The Rapture in comfort in your new 2009 Ford F-150 King Ranch pickup. The new RCA DVD system will allow you to view the unmasking of the anti-Christ while safely protected from God's wrath by the double laminated windows. Drown out the screams of eternal torment from unbelievers with the premium Dolby sound system. Added bonus: just like your underwear, those car payments get left behind on earth as you make your heavenly ascent.

Media Anxiety High In Aftermath of Bush Bubble

2008-11-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

Media companies are facing a grim world of layoffs in the aftermath of the popping of the Bush bubble. Books, movies and television shows criticizing the Bush administration were a steady growth industry for the past eight years, leading to a classic cycle of overinvestment until the bottom fell out of the market with the election of Barack Obama. Until then, many liberal critics were secretly holding out hope that a McCain-Palin victory would provide the needed injection of material to keep the market afloat or at least provide a soft landing. Instead, it looks like broad layoffs are certain as the industry retools to survive in a less “target-rich” environment. The fallout will fall unevenly on different media sectors. The movie making industry will likely survive the best – although the last eight years saw a succession of movies aimed at the Iraq war and Bush policies, beginning with “Farenheit 911” and ending with “W”, most did poorly at the box office and thus did not lead to a frenzy of speculative investment. Publishing will be harder hit – Amazon currently lists over 4,000 titles related to George W. Bush, over 90% critical (if you are interested in the few favorable ones, such as “The Faith of George W. Bush”, you’re in luck – you can pick up used copies on Amazon for $0.01 plus shipping). “The Obama-hating books have not done well,” said literary agent Bob Morris. “I think their audience does most of their reading on the Internet.” Uncertainty is especially high for TV shows that have thrived in Bush World, such as The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, and Real Time with Bill Maher, all of which saw ratings skyrocket in the run-up to the campaign. According to one media analyst, “These shows were the Hummers of television comedy – when material was as cheap as it was from 2000-2008, they could afford to flaunt their size and power but we are looking at a much changed world. The price of good material is already going through the roof and I am not sure they can remake themselves as lean, green shows.” Some writers and producers seem resistant to accepting this changed reality even today, however. Agents are pitching a new show for the spring season of MSNBC called “Didn’t Bush Suck?”

McCain Camp Baffled At Youth Vote

2008-11-09T18:54:00.000-08:00

McCain campaign insiders are still struggling to explain their inability to connect with younger voters, who went overwhelmingly for Barack Obama. Director of youth outreach, Horace Schlemekennburg, noted, “We tried a variety of proven strategies for reaching these younger voters – we faxed them, left messages on answering machines, even sent out cassettes and videotapes with messages from the candidate. We organized a series of college sock hops – “Sock it to Greed and Corruption because I’m Hopping Mad” – to encourage new voters.” None of these, however, seemed to make a dent in Obama’s popularity in voters aged 18-29. “We realize the media rules are changing,” said campaign manager Steve Schmidt. “We reached out to stars who we knew “were down” with these younger voters – Donny Osmond, Chuck Norris, Ted Nugent. We made special ad buys on “Survivor”. Why, we even created a My Face page for the campaign.” The failure of the campaign to communicate in the language of the young voter , however, blunted their message. “When they claimed Obama was a socialist” said Megan O’Rourke, a first-time voter, “that just rang kind of false. Obama doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who likes to party.” Similarly, attempts to link him to the Weather Underground were misinterpreted as a reference to a 70’s smooth-jazz band. In the end, the McCain campaign remained downhearted and mystified. “Jeesh – what is it with kids these days?” shrugged Schlemekennburg.

White Insider Sells Broken-Down House to Out-of Town Black Family

2008-11-08T17:50:00.000-08:00

Authorities Investigate Housing Scam

Federal authorities are investigating possible housing fraud over the sale of a choice Washington property to an Illinois senator. After a 20 month bidding war against powerful Washington insiders, the Senator finally won out at a price reported to be in excess of $750 million dollars, but not before ugly threats had been leveled at the family, the first black homeowners in the neighborhood. After signing a four-year lease, the senator discovered a host of unpleasant surprises: due to a lack of maintenance for the past 8 years (even while the seller was spending lavishly abroad) the basic infrastructure of the house is at risk of collapsing and neighbors have been complaining of unpleasant odors. The buyer is soliciting help in repairing the historical property to its former glory.

New Position for Joe Lieberman

2008-11-07T20:09:00.000-08:00

Washington was abuzz today over the planned sit-down between wayward Democrat Joe Lieberman and Senate leader Harry Reid. Lieberman is widely expected to lose his committee chairmanship for having supported John McCain and for having attacked Obama at the Republican convention. But what New Jobs could be offered in return to Joe Lieberman? Leading possibilities:

Ambassador to Kyrgyzstan
Trainer for the new White House puppy
In charge of selling Sarah Palin’s clothes on eBay
“Joe the Plumber’s” media advisor
Pre-marital counselor to Bristol Plain and Levi Johnston
Monitor receding of Antarctic ice sheet at Vostok Station

Republicans Seek to Rebuild Party

2008-11-05T18:04:00.000-08:00

The morning after their most thorough trouncing since 1964, Republicans woke up asking, “Where did we go wrong? I mean, other than the war, torture, the economic implosion, corruption, incompetence, ideological purges…” Republicans now must look to rebuild their party. One strategist saw both a diagnosis and a potential cure in the demographic breakdowns in the exit polls. “Well, we won people over 65 and rural, white evangelical Christians. We did real well among them. And among those who thought Obama might be a secret Al Qaeda mole, " said Ty Malone. "We need to focus on increasing the number of old people, evangelicals living in small towns, and wackos.” The party is faced with some potential contradictions, however, in following this strategy of expanding their base. “Evangelicals can go out and recruit people, so that might work.” said one Republican pollster. "Unfortunately, old people die off -- the baby boomers will help produce more of them but we need to slow the production of younger voters. More handguns maybe. Unfortunately, there is a relatively fixed pool of wackos – the Internet and Palin rallies just make it seem like there are more of them.”

McCain Remains Upbeat At End

2008-11-04T05:18:00.000-08:00

John McCain urge on supporters not to be deterred by the gloomy polls. "We have got 'em right where we want them, " he said, addressing a crowd at a Florida airport. "I have begun to sense something different today. A different feeling, a feeling of change and urgency...Oh, wait, that's just my prostate. Are there any porta-potties near by?"

Stop the Vote Count!

2008-11-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

After 20 months of negative ads, robocalls, and shouting heads, most Americans are approaching today's vote with a mixture of hope and relief – relief that we can go back to the normalcy of when the non-stop ads talked about erectile dysfunction rather than socialism. But before we celebrate the end of this seemingly endless campaign, we should reconsider the many benefits it has provided, benefits we will sorely miss come November 5th:

Stimulating the economy

The presidential race has been estimated to have cost upwards of $2 billion, and the combined election costs including all House/Senate/states races are pegged at a total of $5.4 billion. This infusion of cash has helped prop up a sagging economy, employing a vast array of campaign managers, media consultants, precinct captains, advertising firms, and Web designers, not to mention pizza delivery men, sound techs, bus drivers, sign-printers, plumbers-turned pundits and sales-staff at Neiman Marcus. At a time when bastions of white collar employment like banks and insurance companies are imploding, the campaigns provided the one area of steady growth. This is leaving aside the vast secondary economy that depends largely or entirely on the election: cable news channels, political commentators, bloggers, and late-night-television comedians. Barring a recount, don’t be surprised to see CNN, MSNBC and Comedy Central following GM’s example in announcing major lay-offs come mid-November.

Elevating public discourse

Sure, there has been a lot of gnashing of teeth about the “politics of fear” raised by silly accusations about “palling around with terrorists”. But have we forgotten what we were arguing about before the election – whether Brittany Spears should be committed and whether Scott Peterson killed Lacey? Do we really want to go back to non-stop coverage of the latest co-ed disappearance? When was the last time before 2007 that there was a serious discussion about race, about double standards facing successful, high achieving women, or the merits of the progressive income tax?

Bolstering unemployment figures

The number of people employed by the campaigns goes well beyond those who have some slice of the $5.4 billion spent on ads and campaign infrastructure. For every dollar spent by the campaigns, there are untold dollars of “in-kind” work provided by an army of volunteers. For thousands of recent college grads, the promise of a free couch to sleep on and unlimited pizza (not to mention “campaign sex”) was enough to convince them to devote their last 18 months to working to realize the promise of “Change” (the Kind We Can Believe In or The Kind We Need, depending on your political bent). They were spared having to slink home to live with their parents in a declining economy, plus they didn’t showing up in unemployment statistics. Are we really ready to watch unemployment climb to 9% as they re-enter the labor market just as Starbucks is cutting jobs?

Distracting us from our problems

Face it, just like Seabiscuit during the Depression , the excitement of this election was a welcome distraction from our real problems. Without fivethirtyeight.com to check into every few hours, we might be tempted to check on the status of our retirement fund (depressing) or the war in Afghanistan (scary). It gave us a constant supply of things to talk about with friends or family or to tease our neighbors about (“Hey Bob – how’d you like your gal’s interview with Katie last night?”). With so many more states in play this year, it is as if half the country had a team in the pennant race (think wild card on steroids). Most important, we have largely forgotten that we still have a President in the White House who only a one in four of us supported, and which over half of the country actively loathed.

Paying attention to the whole country

Say what you will about Sarah Palin’s attempts to divide the country into “real America” vs. “fake America”, other than during election season, you would be hard pressed to find ANY attention being paid to small towns in Western Pennsylvania or to farm communities in the prairie states – unless you count the occasional Hallmark classic, the “Deerhunter” (now 30 years old) or Paris Hilton’s old reality show). Is it so bad to remind the two coasts that there are lots of places where people still make a living growing our food? And that Anchorage is not the capital of Alaska? How many people even knew where the 2d congressional district of Nebraska actually is, let alone that there are enough Democrats in Omaha that it might throw a single electoral vote to Obama?

To prevent the sever shock that a sudden loss of all these tangible and intangible benefits would provide, I offer:

A modest proposal

1. Suspend the vote count. Decided voters can vote as planned on November 4th but their votes will be sequestered with the rest of the "early voters”.
2. The remaining 5% of undecided voters (and anyone not able to vote because of long lines/electoral purges/challenges, etc.) will postpone voting until January 9th in return for releasing their identities to the public. McCain and Obama will continue to campaign until then, including holding some town hall meetings made up exclusively of the remaining undecided voters. Candidate ads could be narrowcast at individual voters – “Obama – wrong on taxes. Bad for Bob Smeldenburg. Wrong for America.” Think of it as a combination of “Swing Vote” and Obama’s 30 minute infomercial.
3. Cable news, pundits, campaign workers will analyze daily tracking polls of the ups and downs of these individual undecided voters. Candidates could set up shop in nearby foreclosed houses so they could provide personal outreach to such voters, holding daily coffee klatches about their healthcare proposals and trade policy. (Sort of comes full circle back to the retail politics of the New Hampshire primaries.
4. On January 9th, ten days prior to inauguration, those voters would drive to the polls (the cable channels could track them in helicopters real time like OJ) and cast their ballots. The small number of votes could be tallied quickly and the winner would be announced in prime time EST that evening from the Kodak Center in LA. No more waiting up until midnight on the East coast for the results from Oregon; nor more heading to the polls in California and hearing the election that had already been decided. Both Obama and McCain would have to attend to accept the result, forcing them to maintain a stoically upbeat demeanor when the camera bore in on them as their opponent was announced the winner. The winner would bound up to accept the award to the sounds of Stevie Wonder or Hank Williams Jr., while pretending not to have prepared an acceptance speech in advance. Thirty-five minutes into their thank yous, the band will strike up the campaign theme song and pretty models will escort them offstage.
5. Everyone will disband to post-election parties sponsored by FoxNews, DailyKos, MSNBC and the Club for Growth. David Plouffe will get drunk and fall into a pool to be rescued by Steve Schmidt (or vice versa). Entertainment Tonight will dissect the different dresses worn by Hillary, Sarah, Cindy and Michele. And Michael Moore will punch Bill O’Reilly in the nose, making him cry.

Voters Fear Last Minute Surprises

2008-11-03T16:43:00.000-08:00

Obama campaign mangers are trying hard to push the message that the race isn't over. After a weekend story broke revealing that Obama's aunt was in the U.S. illegally, they continue to bat down rumors and early stories that threaten to become late "game-changers", aided by independent fact-checking sites. Among them:
1. A Drudge Report story that $10,000 in charges to “900 - Sarah is a Hottie” phone sex line was traced to Obama's Chicago residence.
2. An AP report that Obama was injured along with 4 campaign workers when 20-foot-tall pile of money collapsed at campaign headquarters.
3. An internet rumor that DNA analysis revealed him to be the love child of Bobby Seale and Patty Hearst.
4. A forged note from William Ayers' house pledging “Bill – be my BFF, love, Barry”.
5. A Fox ticker claiming he had been discovered partying in hotel room with Marion Barry and Redskins cheerleaders.
6. Republican-initiated robocalls in Scranton claiming to be from Obama and urging voters to “stick it to Whitey on November 4”.
7. A post on Ed Morrisey claiming that Osama bin Laden had been captured in Alaska after being shot by Sarah Palin, who mistook him for a wolf on an aerial hunting trip
8. A tape where Obama purportedly celebrates the endorsement from Colin Powell calling him “my main Niggah”
9. A police report that Obama had suffered a serious groin injury in tussle with Jesse Jackson after speech to NAACP in August about family responsibility.
10. A release by McCain of a broad, coherent plan for dealing with economic crisis, appealing to voters’ better natures by asking for shared sacrifice (this last one’s just a wild joke).

Obama Makes Major New TV Buy

2008-11-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

Following the success of their 30-minute infomercial on Wednesday, the Obama campaign today announced plans to buy up the entire prime time programming of the major networks on election eve. Details of the planned lineup and story themes of these campaign-associated episodes have slowly leaked out:

30 Rock – In the 30 Barack episode, Obama guest stars as a rising young political candidate who guest hosts the show. Will Tracy Jordan follow Barack’s advice to clean up his act and establish a charity for urban youth? And what will happen as Liz and guest star Oprah compete for attention from this dynamic leader?

Desperate Housewives – A beer-distributor heiress moves into Wisteria Lane and buys up 6 houses. Rumors abound about a past history of drug abuse. And where is her husband, a rising political star, who seems to be spending a lot of time with his attractive new running mate?

Sarah Connor Chronicles -- Sarah travels back to Florida in 2000 to redesign the "butterfly ballot". Gore/Lieberman win Florida and the election. In 2008, VP Lieberman is sailing towards the nomination until the Hubble telescope picks up images revealing that that in an alternate universe he is a Republican weenie. Obama jumps in to win the nomination and defeat Jeb Bush after Terri Schiavo sends text messages from heaven saying Bush was "unChristian" for keeping her stuck on earth.

House – A powerful elderly politician is admitted for diagnosis of his increasingly erratic behavior. Initial concerns focus on his past history of melanoma and possible post-traumatic distress syndrome but House recognizes signs of early cognitive troubles that might doom the politician’s career. Sparks fly when the first and second wife fight with the running mate over whether to make him DNR.

The Office – Joe Biden drops in on Dunder Mifflin during a campaign swing in Scranton. He inspires Michael with his advice “Champ, when life knocks you down, get up.” Dwight organizes a “Yes We Can” sing-along for staff.

What Not To Wear – Stacey and Clinton are tasked with remaking an Alaskan mother who favors fleece and outdoor clothes. Despite advice that she go with moderate and understated clothes, she goes overboard at Neiman Marcus and Saks, blowing her budget on pumps and a $2500 Valentino jacket. Suffice it to say she isn’t pleased with their advice to rethink her beehive hairdo!

Democrats Fear "Sanjaya Effect"

2008-11-02T06:17:00.000-08:00

Forget the “Bradley effect.” Democratic strategists are secretly fearing a hidden "Sanjaya effect" may put Barack Obama's election at risk despite his apparent lead in the polls. The “Sanjaya effect” was named after noted 2006 American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar who lasted late in the competition despite an obvious lack of talent. His success was initially attributed to his good looks, his changing hairstyles and his devoted teenage fans. But then word leaked that it was due to a deliberate attempt of a core of Idol fans to confound the judges by voting for the least qualified candidate, aided by a Website named “Vote for the Worst.” "I think it arose because they got a sort of sick thrill each week in waiting to see which song he might butcher," said one Idol watcher. "That, plus their desire to confound the pundits."

Political strategists feels some of this may account for the strong showing in some polls for the Republican ticket, especially VP candidate Sarah Palin. "You have to admit", said one strategist, "a lot of people tune in to watch her because you never know what kind of misstatement or mangled fact might come out of her mouth. Her Katie Couric interview has a lot in common with Sanjaya’s rendering of ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.’ People will miss that if she loses. Plus she IS kind of hot.” Other campaign watchers echoed similar sentiments. “Look, the economy is going to suck whoever gets elected,” said one. “Why not have something entertaining to divert you from the misery?"

New McCain 6 Point Plan For Economic Recovery

2008-11-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

Text of new McCain plan released today:

This is John McCain and I approve this message:
The recent economic downturn is causing regular Americans like yourself significant pain. Although the causes of this disaster are clear – my opponents vote for that $3 million overhead projector for the Chicago planetarium -- now is not the time to point fingers. Now is the time for real solutions like my 6-point plan for economic recovery:

1. Restore incentives for savings. A McCain administration will immediately begin awarding free toasters to anyone opening a new savings account with at least $100 (a blender for $200). To further spur economic activity, I will instruct Ben Bernanke to revive the S&H green stamp program, which, for every purchase, awards stamps that can be redeemed for really cool gifts, such as fondue pots and Lava lamps.
2. Win the war in Iraq. People who complain that Iraq is costing the US taxpayer $5 billion per week are applying the wrong calculation. They are omitting the fact that it has already cost us $500 billion. Therefore, if we win in Iraq, we can immediately move that $500 billion from the minus column into the plus column on our budget books. Result: a net improvement of $1 trillion in our overall budget picture.
3. Barack Obama needs to come clean about his pal Bill Ayers. Alright, I recognize this doesn't have anything to do with the economy but it really steams me up.
4. Stop greed. Under a McCain-Palin administration, greed will no longer be allowed on Wall Street. All CEOs will be required to sign a pledge not to be greedy. Their annual filings will have to attest, on pain of imprisonment, that any profits they made were absolutely necessary and that they did not try to increase profits just because they like money. Anyone found to have been greedy will be publicly flogged.
5. Expand savings opportunities for younger Americans -- Cindy and I save hundreds of dollars a year on the “early bird” discounts available to seniors for eating before 6 pm. We will make this available to Americans of all ages.
6. Promote sensible energy production -- Thousands of Americans are sitting atop valuable oil deposits but are deterred by taxes on oil profits. We will make “drill-your-own” kits available to any willing taxpayer, and suspend any royalty payments for two years on any new oil discoveries. Note: City dwellers should consult with their superintendent or coop board before beginning any drilling.

Remember, in scary times like this we can’t afford to entrust this country to people offering “new ideas” or “hope”. Now is the time for faith in the old familiar ideas that were good enough for your parents and their parents before them.

Stock Market Remains Volatile

2008-11-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

The stock market dived sharply today, reacting to worrisome news that the stock market was open. After a brief rebound in mid-session, the market fell another 500 points at closing on late news that President Bush intended to address the nation to reassure anxious investors. “In all the turmoil of the past few weeks,” noted one trader, “we had kind of forgotten that he was still in office. It was a grim reminder about how much worse things might still get.” The 981 point drop marked the biggest one-day decline since yesterday.

2008-11-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

New McCain Ad Offers Stark Reasons for Candidacy

John McCain's new ad offers American's a stark reason to support his candidacy in the closing days of his campaign. Borrowing from his closing remarks from the last debate, the Republican candidate solemly notes, "My friends, what I do know is how to keep up hope in difficult situations," a reference to his years of harsh treatment as a prisoner of war in Vietnam. "Let's face it, this country is going down the toilet. If you think this is bad, you haven't seen anything yet. At least now you still have jobs, my friends, some of you. We'll all be working in some Chinese sweatshop in 5 years, and the country will be a shit-hole. And I am the only candidate who literally knows how to survive years in a shit hole. My opponent doesn't, " referring to Democratic nominee Barack Obama. "He hasn't endured anything worse than being on food stamps for a while. Only I know how to survive eating bugs and rats, which in a few years will seem like a feast to many of you the way things are going."

McCain Makes Closing Argument

2008-11-01T12:42:00.000-07:00

McCain Makes Closing Argument

John McCain’s campaign is narrowing in on its closing argument as the campaign enters its final days. Advisers close to the campaign revelaled that McCain’s final days will focus on the following arguments as to why he is better qualified than his Democratic opponent:

Do it for an old man who doesn’t have much time left.
Are you forgetting that Obama’s black?
Admit it – aren’t you a little curious to see how this Palin as VP thing would work out?
Only I know how to salvage something from colossal screw ups
Not only did I frequently stand up to Bush, I have never been able to stand the insufferable smug bastard.
Oh, another thing -- Obama is not white.
I promise I’ll forget to run again in 2012.
Snoop Dog vs. Abba – you pick.
You do NOT want to make Sarah Palin mad – she has guns and knows how to use them.
Lots of people have endorsed me – if you give me a minute many of their names will come back to me.
Where will you put all your “Bush anger” if Obama wins?

Obama Makes Closing Argument

2008-11-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

Obama Makes Closing Argument

As the campaign of Barack Obama enters the final few days, they have outlined a few main themes that will form their “closing argument.”

This campaign has never been about me. It’s always been about you. Are you so self-hating that you would vote against yourself?
If you don’t elect me, I may just keep running ads for 3 more months. Believe me, I can afford it.
Don’t you just want to see Dick Cheney’s (Neil Cavuto’s/ William Kristol’s) face on November 5^th when I win this thing?
If you are not comfortable with the black thing, vote with a friend. One of you can vote for my white half and the other can vote against my black half.
Joe the Plumber as the Secretary of Labor. Enough said.
Some poor single mother out there could really use Sarah Palin's $2500 cream Valentino jacket and the $800 Manohlo pumps.
It will completely change Michele's opinions of "whitey".
Has there been a cooler black man since Nat King Cole?
Bruce Springsteen or LeAnn Rimes. You pick.
If I don’t win, all the little animals in the forest will weep quiet tears of disillusionment.